Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Regret

We've had Adriel for 11 days now, and a feeling of regret and some sadness has been settling over me. For the past 11 days I've held him close to me, breastfed him exclusively, soothed him when he cried (which is rarely) and worn him in the baby carrier. He's growing well, he's eating well, he hardly cries because I tend to his needs before he has a chance to cry. He's chubby and cute, he makes hilarious faces, and his big brother loves kissing him on the head and patting his back gently.

Why then am I somewhat sad and regretful? Having a newborn at home with me, to love and hold and care for, has really made me think about the past and how I was never able to do all that for Skyler. He spent the first two months of his life in a plastic box without the love and human touch that new babies need so badly. He lived under bright lights, with beeping and needles and tubes and nurses poking him every two hours, eating his formula & breastmilk through a tube in his nose. When he came home it was hard, he had been on the bottle in the NICU and didn't want to breastfeed. I feel sad because he missed all the love, safety and security of being a newborn in his mommy and daddy's arms. Maybe it's why he's so independent now, I'm not sure. I know he knows he is well loved, and I know he has secure attachments to us. I just can't help but look back and feel bad now that I know what we missed.

3 comments:

jennohara said...

I've been waiting for some sort of update! :) I'm glad your new bundle is doing so good. You shouldn't have any regret, because none of what happened with Sky was under your control. Just enjoy and be thankful that you have this chance to do it all differently. :D

Ya Chun said...

But he's here! And he has a resilient spirit.

BLOOM - Parenting Kids With Disabilities said...

Your feelings sound so natural and understandable. My son with disabilities was my first child, and I remember having feelings of sadness when my daughter was born -- sadness at how hard things had been for my son and us, and how they might have been.

I can't wait to see pics of the boys together. Hugs, Louise