Yesterday when the morning started off with Skyler puking into my mouth I stupidly thought to myself "At least it can't get worse than this." Then I quickly I took it back, but it was too late. I know that just dooms you, when you think it can't get worse it always does.
Which is why I was only mildly surprised when last night ended with Adriel having (what I'm unfortunately sure was) seizures. There is almost zero doubt in my mind about what I saw, it happened 3 times. The first two I thought were just really bad shivers, we were outside and the wind was blowing. Skyler touched his leg and he jerked and stiffened like he got goosebumps or a really bad chill. He did it again when I touched his foot to see if he was cold (he was). So we went inside. About an hour later I was breastfeeding him and he fell asleep. Then he started to wake and his right arm went up by his head like he was startled and he began jerking it rhythmically and fast. I put my hand on his tummy and said his name several times but he kept going for a few more seconds. Afterwards he cried and I held him and then he was fine..
The jerking movement was the same feeling I felt when he was in the womb and I asked my OB. She said he was just stretching and sometimes it feels like that.. I feel foolish for hoping that this was some sort of f*ed up stretch he was doing, but in my gut I think I know that this was not just him stretching. When Chuck got home from work about 5 minutes later I told him what happened. I googled a video of a baby having infantile spasms and the first one I saw was a baby doing the same thing Adriel did outside when I thought he was cold only an hour earlier.
We call Skyler's neurologist tomorrow morning for his MRI results anyway so I suppose the timing is perfect. (Ha. Perfect time to have seizures, is there such a thing?) We'll make sure he checks out Adriel as soon as possible. Unless it gets worse today and we may have to take him to children's. Right now I am eerily calm.
Last night there were tears, but this morning I knew I had to do something to center myself. So I wanted to walk down to the river where I usually go when I need to think, but there were people there. They were smoking and hacking up a lung and it was disgusting so I almost left feeling discouraged but then I decided to find a new path to the river. And when I came out of the woods I had a new perspective so I wrote down what happened.
Today I walked a different path. In some places it was mucky, in others it was completely washed out. Sometimes I felt lost. Sometimes I had to back track and find a different way. Sometimes I had to make my own path. It wasn't easy or straightforward like my old path, but the view was amazing. I think I am ready now, for what's to come.