Monkey Butt!!

Skyler's latest obsession is his stuffed monkey. He now refuses to sleep without me unless he is cuddling his monkey. It's the cutest thing. I snapped a pic for your viewing pleasure. It was funny too because he dropped it later, and I turned it upright for him and when I looked back he was holding both of it's ears, they were nose to nose and he was babbling on about who knows what. Telling that monkey something or other. ADORABLE!!

Now, since you've waited so patiently, I'd like to present my monkey, and his monkey:

btw: I swear I took off the tag after I took that picture :P

I Heart You

And then there was the cardiologist. We got the letter in the mail today. His appt is May 1st. Wish us luck.

New Beginnings

There is just too much going on right now it's almost overwhelming. I feel great, new beginnings and all that. I'm actually back down to my pre-baby size just about. My tummy is gone, and I'm fitting into my old clothes again. Feels great honestly. Can't wait to start working out again.

My family is going through some rough stuff right now, and they too will be having some new beginnings soon. My parents are going through a messy break up right now. It's having more of an effect on me than I thought it would. It's not what you think. I honestly want them to break up I've been telling them for years that they need to break up, it's the truth everyone in that house is completely miserable. I just thought that since I moved out years ago I was beyond all this stuff. But everything is crazy and they're bringing back memories and it's all just a lot to deal with.

My parents are both trash talking each other to me, and then worrying that the other is trash talking. My brother is depressed and angry (what else is new) way worse than before though. I went over there for easter tonight and I held out my arms for a hug as I usually do (I was like 3 feet away from him, nowhere near his proverbial personal space bubble) and he walked over and slapped my arm down. His greeting to me was an angry grunt. Like what did I do? Apparently something bad.

I can't wait until this whole thing is over and done with, and hopefully it won't get as messy as it looks like it will.. There is talk of my dad trying to fight my mom for the house, and him calling a lawyer to get her charged with tax fraud or some crap. Really I feel like I'm being torn in two. I love them both. It's like I have to take sides. I don't know what to do. I guess the same thing I've been doing a lot lately, meditating.

Worst Mommy Ever

So last night he was crying like all night long, but I was exhausted so I just brought him to bed with me, and it seemed like nothing I did would make him calm down, I knew he was super tired and needed to sleep. I tried feeding him numerous times but it hurt so bad, and he didn't seem to be taking much at all. So finally I woke up enough when the sun started to rise and I sat up and went to feed him because he hadn't been eating all night long. I thought maybe I had thrush again. So I lift up my shirt and look down at my breast to find 3 very large, dark black & blue hickeys. Well that explains that. I was so tired I hadn't been making sure he was getting the nipple in his mouth, and so I was basically starving him for like 5 hours.. /sigh.. poor kid. No wonder he cried all night long. He must have thought his boob was broken.

Oh and after I finally fed him properly I put him back down next to me and he laid there smiling and talking and laughing away like all was finally right with his world.

New Routines

It's been a good weekend. I should be receiving my books for my ECE course soon, I'm extremely excited as my friends can attest. Every day I'm constantly asking C to check the mail in case the mailman came and dropped off my books. The course starts on the 9th. I thought my books would be here by now, but nothing as of yet. If I don't get them by tomorrow I'll be phoning the school.

I've finally started to drop some of the baby weight. I managed to squeeze into my pre-baby jeans today. A size 7. Woohoo. Still I have a bit of a tummy and a lot of fat left on my thighs and this "lovely spring weather" (and by that I mean not one, but two wonderful winter blizzards which dropped about 25cm of snow on us over the last couple weeks) we're having is preventing me from taking the stroller out to do my normal routine of walking until I drop. So I've made the decision to join the YMCA by my place. It's close enough that I can walk if the weather ever gets nice. They have childcare, and they have drop in programs for me to take my baby to. There are two brand new pools (I watched them building them every day as I drove by on my way to work) with slides. A full gym, a rock climbing wall and a bunch of other cool stuff. I used to work out back when I was in University. Mostly cardio and that kind of thing, but it felt good and I had more energy, so I'm pretty stoked about it.

I mean realistically we have appointments most days of the week so I know I can't work out whenever I want exactly, but I'm confident that I will be able to fit this into my schedule somewhere as "me time". Having Skyler has really taught me about making a schedule and sticking to it. I've also learned from my workshops and this funny thing called life that I must take time for myself, even if it's just a couple hours a week at the gym to make me feel good about myself. The workshop leader says it's even more important for parents of high maintenance kids to take breaks and take care of themselves. Which makes sense to me. I need to be on top of my game to make sure I'm making the very best of my time with my son, which coincidentally is all day and night haha.

Speaking of which, my little guy and I have begun to perfect our daily routine. He basically wakes up for his day around 9:30 or 10am and starts off with a feed and a diaper change, after eating we do his stretches and his sitting and standing and tummy time stuff. The OT gave us a bunch of stretches to work on with him because he tends to like to keep his head to the left and we don't want him to end up with a flat head or a stiff neck. He is doing amazing at sitting up, and his head and neck control are fantastic. After all of his stretches and tummy time he will start fussing to let me know he has had enough, then it's time for another feed and back down for a nap. We continue our routine throughout the day including toys and tv time. Yes I said tv time, I know they don't recommend tv for babies, but as we've found out when it comes to legally blind babies it's all good. If he will focus on the tv then by all means we are to let him watch it.

So I got him a Little Einsteins dvd today. Honestly if anyone watches enough baby cartoons in a day to know what's good and what isn't it's me. Now I'm talking Little Einsteins not Baby Einstein which I don't care for. Little Einsteins is a cartoon that usually revolves around classical music and art. They go on adventures in their rocket and teach kids about music and other cool things. I think it works well for him because even if he isn't focusing on the screen the whole time he is at least getting the musical aspect out of it. I put it on for him today and sat him in his bouncy chair. I wish I had taken a video. He was delighted, I saw him focusing on the screen, he was laughing and cooing and throwing up his arms with glee. It was so adorable. He just got so excited. We're working a lot on his vision as well, and I'll be excited to see how he does as he gets older.

As for my post yesterday about abuse, please keep leaving comments I will check them and let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like me to write more about it or about a different aspect of it. I unfortunately have a good deal of experience with the subject matter and there were many other types of abuse I didn't get into in that post that I could write about. And Karen please do let your children read it if you think it will help them. It would make me very very happy to know I have helped someone in some small way to learn how to recognize the signs that they are being abused. Thank you for your comments about it. It's not the easiest thing for me to share with the world, but I want to help others and that's worth sharing my experiences for.

Abuse

For today's post I've decided to tackle a very serious subject that has affected many many people I love including myself. (so we'll take a break from my son's blindness for a little bit.)

I want to address a very important subject. There are a lot of people out there with some common misconceptions about abuse. Most people would assume that it happens only to women, that these women are in long term physically abusive relationships and that they are obviously stupid because most of them stay with their abuser. While these may be common situations when it comes to abusive relationships there are many different forms of abuse. And the people who are being abused are not necessarily stupid, they have reasons for staying with their abuser, even though people outside of the relationship know that the best thing is for the victim to leave as soon as possible.

Firstly women are not the only victims of abuse. There is a higher percentage of abused men than one would believe. The reason we don't hear about it more often is we are culturally and societally programmed to believe that women are the weaker sex. Men are supposed to be bigger, stronger, smarter etc (even though we know it isn't true, we're taught to believe it). Most male victims of abuse are unwilling to admit that they have been abused for fear of how their friends and families and society at large will see them. Especially when the abuser is female, or if the abuser was male and the victim is a closeted gay person.

Next, there are many people who don't even realize they are being abused because they believe it must fit certain stereotypical conditions. They think abuse only happens between couples. Or that it's only abuse if there is physical violence. Or they believe that if they fight back then it is not considered abuse because they contributed to the violent situation. There are many different categories of abuse. If you are in a relationship where someone is controlling you, whether it be them telling you when and how you may run your life or them preventing you from leaving the house, earning money, holding a job, speaking to your friends.

I spent 5 years in a relationship like that, because I refused to believe that it was abuse. He had not hit me (maybe only a handful of times throughout the whole relationship) so I figured it couldn't be abusive. He did however control my every move. I was not allowed to see or speak to friends or family without his permission and not unless he was present and had approved the interaction. For instance if I was on the phone with someone he wanted to know immediately who it was and what they wanted, and if he disapproved of the conversation he would find a way to get me off the phone. This included my own parents, I was hardly ever allowed to visit with them, it was up to him when we went there and how long we stayed.

He used a lot of guilt and manipulation to force me to bend to his will. If I wanted to do something without him he would first tell me he didn't want to go, and that he wanted me to stay, and if I persisted he would move into the whole "ohh but I'll be here all alone and I'll be depressed without you" bit. And if that didn't work for him he would move onto "Fine. Do whatever the F you want." Usually I would cave at some point and we would spend yet another night sitting in the tiny living room while he played video games and I did nothing, because that was exactly what I was allowed to do. I was supposed to watch him play video games for hours on end.

He also abused me sexually. Not something I like to talk about, but I think it's important to get it out, and to let other women out there know that they are not alone and that they are being abused and it is not okay. I thought that because we had been together for years and were in a relationship that it could not be considered rape. He controlled all the finances and prevented me from getting a job so if I wanted anything for myself I was reduced to begging for it from him, and he would usually buy me things if I would do as he wanted.. It was degrading and made me feel like a pros.titute. But that wasn't the only time he would make me have sex. He also would force it on me when I told him I didn't want it. He would often tell me to stop crying because I was ruining the mood. I want to tell you that I know now that that is rape. Whether we were together forever or had just met, if one partner is unwilling it is rape. And that I should not have felt obligated to do anything just because he paid the bills. If I had felt that I could leave the relationship at all I would have done it.. I felt trapped, and I felt like I had absolutely no other choice.

I think the worst part was that from the outside he seemed like the perfect guy, he had a stable job, was responsible and seemed caring. He made it very easy for people to like him, and it actually took about a year before he revealed his true nature to me. He had everyone fooled, all of my friends and family thought that it was a bit odd that I didn't go anywhere without him and if I did I had to answer to him and have my phone on at all times because I couldn't miss a call from him, but thought that all was well regardless because he just seemed like a good guy. It wasn't all him though, I deceived everyone as well. I did not want to believe that he was abusive, and as things got worse I did not want to believe that I was stupid enough to stay with someone who was controlling and abusing me so I thought it would just be easier to keep up the cherade and pretend he was the best partner in the world.

I thought that if I told people how he really was with me that they wouldn't believe me or if they did believe me they would know just how much of an idiot I was for staying with him, and I just couldn't do it. C eventually helped me get out of that relationship, by sharing with me all the things that had happened to him.

Needless to say, I had to realize it for myself that he was abusing me, and there are probably a lot of women out there who feel guilty and bad and who don't realize they are being abused. I want you to take a good look at your relationship if you think something like this may be happening to you.

On to the next point, it is not always your significant other who abuses you. It could be a mother, father, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend, sister, brother, anyone. it's possible to be in an abusive relationship with anyone. If you are being controlled by someone that is abuse. It doesn't have to be physical. If your brother is forcing you to do every errand or chore for him by threatening suicide that is abuse and he badly needs help. If you feel guilty about leaving the house because he is depressed and needs you to stay and entertain him or buy things for him to make him happy that is abuse. He is holding control over you. And while it may make you feel like crap because you believe you have to be the one to hold him together, it is not your job to take care of him 24/7 and you should be allowed to have your own life. (I'm not saying don't help the kid if he's suicidal, but don't think that you are the only one who can take responsibility for his life, he needs to do that for himself not force others to take care of his every need).

I used that example because of the situation with my own brother, but it applies to pretty much any relationship. If someone is holding something over you and using it to get what they want from you, no matter what that may be. It's abuse.

On to the last point, it is not always easy to leave. There are numerous reasons people stay in abusive relationships. In some cases it's all the person has ever known. It's hard to leave and go out into the scary unknown when you are used to being abused, you feel terrified to leave. You may question what will happen if there is nowhere to go, no one to help you? It's easier to stay where you have a roof over your head and a predictable pattern to your life than it is to go out and change everything and be on your own and possibly living on the streets. Then there is always the fear that your abuser will come after you and the result of him finding you will be the most violence you have ever faced. In some cases the victim ends up beaten to death after trying to leave an abusive relationship. I want you to know that if you are in an abusive relationship there are places to go, people who can help you. You should seek out a shelter. Most places have shelters for abuse victims to go where they can hide from their abusers while they sort things out.

A lot of people who are being abused will act out, displaying destructive beahviours as a way to deal with the loss of control in their lives. Usually it's against themselves. An example would be cutting, or taking drugs. Depression is also a sign that you or someone might be being abused. Follow the link below to learn more about abuse and how to recognize the signs and what to do if you or someone you love is being abused.

http://www.cyberparent.com/abuse/

Can't Take That Away

Things have been good lately. Aside from the stupid fight C and I had the other night, which I think we're mainly over it now.. Just some stuff that needs to be talked about. Communication is key and whatever. Anyways, for the past few days C's baby sister has been staying with us, she's 16 (17 next month) so it's spring break and I guess she wanted to visit with her nephew. Can I just honestly say "aaaaaaaawkward". It was awkward for more than one reason. She's like 17 and a teenager, and I'm a rather private person when it comes to C's family. Yeah I know I post all my thoughts on the internet where everyone can see them, but when it comes to his family eh...

So that was weird, feeling like I had to bite my tongue at every comment because I know that if she casually mentions anything to her parents about anything that C's grandmother will be on the phone with him within a few days to discuss whatever I said or did. One time his aunt saw pictures he has posted on facebook, and called his grandma and she called him to tell him to remove his pictures and yeah, it's just a total annoyance. The point here is that they all gossip and it's a pain in the ass, so I was walking around pretending to be like completely normal never ever fights or raises her voice to her husband lady. It was like stepford wives over here. Now I have never seen that movie but I'm pretty sure it's about robots or something, and not the cool kind that shoot lasers out their eyes.

On to the other reason why it was awkward. Skyler was diagnosed on Monday as having hypoplasia and sent a referral to the institute for the blind. While I went and told my parents, C apparently decided to keep this info to himself, so for the whole time she was here she kept making comments about the baby looking at people and things.. I took C aside and I was like "Uhh did you not tell her he can't see?" and he pretty much just shrugged. I wasn't going to tel her because that's his family, I wasn't about to break the news to them. So on Thursday morning (his sister had been with us two days and was going home that night) we had his families first visitor over. So I had to explain to her what the doctor had said because she helps us with his development and I want her to know what's going on. So as I'm explaining it to her C's sister interjects with "So he's like colour blind then?" I turn and I'm like "No, more like legally blind.." and then "Oh." and that was that, but I found it kind of amusing.

Then at his parents house for dinner that night his dad was playing with Skyler and talking to him and all that stuff grandparents do, and he says "You don't look at the person holding you." then he's playing some more and turning him around and then he says "What are you blind?" and C and I both say "Yes." in unison without any hesitation, in a completely matter-of-fact voice. He seemed to accept that, and was actually pretty good with it. I was surprised there weren't any follow up questions. He just kept playing with the baby and made some jokes about him not seeing his "ugly auntie's face" or you know whatever insulting thing he said about his daughter. I kid you not.

OK on to the good stuff! Today I had to take care of N at her grandma's house because they're selling their house and there are showings there. So as C drove me to work I noticed that the CNIB was basically a block away from N's grandma's place. So after work C and I drove over there and managed to catch the Early Intervention Occupational Therapist. She said that there used to be two of them doing the program but the other lady left and now it's just her, and her caseload is huge and there is a giant waiting list. But she was very receptive and took us to the "kids korner". (a room down the hall with a whole bunch of baby/developmental toys) She spent an entire hour talking to us, and she even evaluated Skyler. He put on the baby charm and she decided to take him on immediately.

She answered so many questions and was just awesome. She told us we were doing all the right things so far with him. She is going to help us stimulate whatever vision he does have, and she will be able to evaluate his development in conjunction with his vision problems. It was a good thing we went in too because she said that just this week they implemented a new system where every new person who is referred to them gets their file sent off to Edmonton and then gets a call from Edmonton to answer a few questions and then the file gets sent back to Manitoba and then they get in touch with you. So she was saying that with as many people as there are coming in that it's likely they're getting lost in the pile and not even getting called back.

Our letter just arrived at the CNIB and at our place today. (The opthomologist sent a letter to us and the CNIB and the endocrinologist and his NP) So we got lucky, she managed to dig it out and made us an appointment for the end of the month. I'm so excited. She told us that most of the other kids in the Early Intervention program have hypoplasia as well and that only one of them is totally blind. The others all have varying degrees of vision, some of them even manage to ride their bikes to school, and play video games and do all sorts of stuff. She was very supportive and enthusiatic. She (like every other doctor/specialist/therapist we've seen) said that Skyler is very lucky to have parents who are so involved and want to help him in every way we can.

Anyway I came out there feeling pretty good, and very happy that I had decided to make an impromptu visit to the CNIB. It was lucky that we caught her, and managed to get an appointment, she seems very excited about working with Skyler. She couldn't get over how cute he was either. Eh but who can?

Okay, so yeah it may seem kind of insane, for someone who just found out for sure that her baby is legally blind, I'm pretty happy. I have a good clear concise idea of how to help his development, I know he has certain limitations, and I am ready and able to work with them. It's all going to be great.

I love my baby, and I am so happy he is here and alive and such a happy baby. No matter how many people are "so sorry he's blind." They can't take that happiness away from me.