I Just Go On & On & On

I may have mentioned at some point before that I have Panic Disorder. I have had it almost as long as I can remember, in fact I think I was 8 when it developed. I had begun to ponder the meaning of life in my own little way. My grandma had taken me to Sunday school at the chapel by her house and I had recieved a very incomplete and random catholic education, okay well rather it was not an education but more of a few teachings. Someone had bought me a kid's bible as well and I was a huge reader (even at that age, I was reading full novels, my teachers made me go to the resource room at school and read Little House on the Prairie when I was 6 or 7) and I used to read the stories in that bible.

Except, I suppose the problem was that it was the old testament or something. But at the time, I had no idea there were different testaments or what a testament was. Basically I was taught, the bible is the bible, every word is true. Accept it, pray to God every night and beg for his forgiveness for being alive and hope that he decides not to send you to hell. That was the kind of "religious education" I recieved. So I believed that the bible times existed somewhere in some sort of space-time dimension of its own because I couldn't figure out how the dinosaurs fit into the whole equation. I reasoned to myself that if on the first day God made Earth, etc etc and then he made Adam, well when did he make the dinosaurs? Where were they? I couldn't figure it out. So in my mind they all just existed in separate realities/dimensions.

Anyway one of the stories I read was about Isaac (I think that's his name) the one who was told to tie up his son, take him to some big rock and kill him to prove that he loved God. Well at that point in my life it didn't raise the same red flags that it does now. What that story did was confuse the heck out of me. I'm not trying to bash anyone's religion at all. I know now that people believe different things about the bible. But that story (to me) was terrifying. I spent every night praying to God to please please not make my parents kill me or send me to hell. I know in the story he didn't end up killing the kid, but honestly if anyone asked me to tie up my kid and kill him to prove my love, well that's not someone I want to put my faith into. That would make me run the other way.

So at night I would begin to panic, I would lie in bed, staring at the walls too afraid to sleep. Too afraid that what if heaven didn't really exist, what if after life there was nothing. Just blackness. No thought, no love, no feeling, nothing at all. And I would hyperventilate, I would sweat, my stomach would tie itself in knots, my heart would beat so fast, I felt like I was going to die. I diagnosed myself by the time I was 10. My mom had taken a psychology class in university and her textbooks were one of my favourite reading materials. I learned about psychosomatic symptoms, I learned about anxiety disorder, panic attacks, manic depression, so on and so forth. I discovered that what was wrong with me was a panic attack, that I wasn't dying.

They would come to be frequently at school, I was shy and nervous, I hated talking in front of people. It didn't matter who, teachers, classmates, anybody. If I had to stand up and talk in front of anyone I would have a panic attack. If I hadn't finished my homework and I was worried the teacher would ask me something about it I would have a panic attack. Sometimes I had them randomly for seemingly no reason at all. The only good thing about it was that at least I realized that I wasn't dying and that it would eventually pass. One of the worst parts about having a panic attack is when you freak out that you are having a panic attack, or when you don't know it's a panic attack and you freak out because you think you are going to die.Hypochondriasis was another condition I struggled with for a while. My chest would sometimes hurt from the panic attacks, which I thought was an indicator of a heart attack, which it can be. But probably in my case the chest pain was due to the palpitations and all the epinephrine rushing through my veins. You have to understand I was still a child when all of this happened. I suppose you could say I matured a bit quickly. These were the things I worried about as a kid. Death, the afterlife, heart attacks, brain tumors, etc. I was aware I wasn't normal. The teachers wanted me to skip a grade because I was at a higher reading, higher comprehension level, and everything else than the grade I was in. My parents let me decide and I said no, because the older kids picked on me.

When I was about 14 I learned that I could somewhat control the attacks, I had the power to on occasion calm myself down. By university I decided to step out of my shell of shyness. I walked up to people, I introduced myself. Of course my blood pressure and heart rate were through the roof, but I managed to do it nonetheless. And I found I got a huge rush from meeting new people, from being outgoing. It was something I had never done before. Normally I was the one in the corner, hardly making eye contact, afraid someone would look at me. Slowly I've come out of my shell. I no longer panic when I have to talk to people, (except sometimes on the phone if I know I have to deliver some bad news, or if it's something scary like health problem related) I can stand in front of my entire daycare with 75 kids and talk to them without hyperventilating.

But over the last few days I've been having them again. And it's been bad. My worst trigger of all has always been the hospital. It's sometimes called white coat anxiety. Just seeing a doctor would make my blood pressure rise, for the longest time none of my doctors could ever get an accurate reading of my blood pressure or heart rate. One time I was admitted to the hospital and the nurse who was taking my blood pressure and heartrate was speechless. He said to me "I am not even going to write this number down, this is insane." I was basically in tachychardia almost. Though I had told them I had panic attacks so they knew what it was from.

This whole business with the seizures is killing me. I talked to the nurse on the phone today, his appointment is for next Friday at 10:45. It's perfect timing. But she asked me how often he has these spasms or whatever they are. I told her on Saturday I did a running count for the day and it was 20. She said that was too high. She said if he did that again to take him straight to the ER and tell the doctors about what's been going on, and the neurology appointment. She said that from what I've described she isn't 100% it's a seizure, but if it is that it needs to be taken care of right away. Luckily today he has only had THREE, and they were very small. It was half a second and he barely moved his head. Nothing like the video I posted. So we're in the clear for today..

Anyway I started out attempting to tell you about my recent panic attacks, but ended up giving you my life story. Oops. So to make up for that, have some adorableness.

Flash Skyler

It's take your husband to work day! Also known as my centre is short staffed. Chuck's mom used to run a daycare in her home for basically all of his childhood, and he has his classification as a childcare worker, and he used to work one on one with special needs kids (ones who had behavioural problems) plus he wasn't doing anything so I recruited him to come to work with me. My supervisor was awesome about it as she is with most things and said she'd bring him an employment package tomorrow to make sure he gets paid. She ended up calling me into work at 1, (I normally start my afternoon shift at 3, and chuck was going to start at 3) so I went in, Chuck brought me and he had the baby of course because bestfriend/babysitter doesn't get off her work until 3. So he got a Y shirt and talked to supervisor for a bit. Supervisor had been called to a meeting and needed me to take her place for the afternoon. Turned out she wasn't able to get back to the centre so I ended up taking her place in the kinders room all afternoon while Chuck took my place in the big room with the 1-3s.

It's funny because he used to work with one of the girls who I work with now, so I imagine he was able to acclimate quickly with the staff. And he tells me the older boys actually behaved for him. Apparently all he had to do was give them "the look" and they stopped what they were doing. Haha, I think it's funny because there hasn't been a guy working in the daycare like ever. He also had one of the girls hanging off him the entire time. I laughed, I have several of the girls hanging off me at any one point in time. Sometimes the boys too. All in all I think it went well. He's great with kids too, so that is always awesome.

As for my little monster OMG is all I have to say. This morning we were settling in, about to put him down for a nap, I was in my PJs snacking on the brownies I made last night, when the phone rang. Except it wasn't a call. It was the buzzer. The appointment with his CNIB OT that Chuck told me was scheduled for tomorrow was actually today. UH OH! Haha, so I quickly tidied up and changed my clothes before she got to the apartment door. We had a good visit, Skyler is doing so much more than last time she saw him. I showed her how he takes steps now. Except I have been helping him by lifting one arm a little to prompt him to take a step. Anyway she was impressed and wrote up a good report for him (she always does).

Now for the OMG part. I got home from work and picked up my baby, I had him on my lap facing me, hugging him, and he started climbing me! I put him down on the floor and held his hands and he was gone, like walking away from me. Walking all over the place, walking fast! Walking without me prompting him in the slightest. It's scary!! On the one hand I am like omgomgomg walk walk walk baby! Go baby go! On the other hand, no no no no you are my tiny little baby! No walking! Stay here with mommy! Ahh. I am so delighted with his mobility. It's mindblowing. I put him down in his crib half an hour ago, he had his head up in the left half of the crib, bum in the right half, he was on his back. I can hear him babbling and then eventually crying on the monitor. So I go in and he is up in the very right hand corner of the crib on his stomach, head on the right, bum on the left. Like what happened to my little baby who doesn't go anywhere?? I'm so excited and freaked out. It's just awesome/scary.

Oh and along the lines of scary. I called the Neuro's office today, and spoke to the nurse, I described to her what he does and she asked me if I could take a video of it. I said I already had. She said it didn't sound like Infantile Spasms, she said she wasn't sure what it was and she would have to talk to the neurologist and call me back. I waited for her to call me back, but hours passed by and nothing, so I went to work and my phone was on silent. When I got out of work I checked my voice mail. She had left me a message saying they were going to schedule him for an appointment next week and she wanted me to call back and schedule it right away. She also went on to say that if it becomes more frequent or intense to take him to the ER immediately.. She didn't say why, and I called back but the office was closed. I left a message saying I needed to book his appointment and to call me back tomorrow.. But now I am stressing about this. I want to, no I need to know why I should take him to the ER. Clearly they are worried that this is serious. So now I am too.

Faeries Get Their Wings

Okay apparently I am having the urge to post every day now or something. But seriously, my baby is too cute to keep him all to myself, and he has been so much fun the last couple days. Aside from the whole bedtime & non sleeping thing of course. He has been having too much fun walking holding my hands. We walked all around the apartment this morning and he played with his crib from the other side for the first time, and then we walked into the kitchen and he sat down because "Oh wow! What is this feeling on my feet?" he had never been on the kitchen tile before! I forget how new he is to the world sometimes. The kitchen floor is extremely unexciting to me, but when we stepped onto it, I saw his face I could just tell he was intrigued by the new feeling. So he slowly lowered himself to the ground so he could sit on it and feel it with his hands. I decided to step over him, so I walked over him over and over and he thought it was hysterical. He was just laughing his little baby butt off. And he does this thing where when he laughs he laughs so loud and so long that he stops making sound, and then he growls. It's so funny to watch and listen to!!

Oh and as I mentioned yesterday for those of you who missed it. My friend just started her own blog and is starting down the road to becoming a mommy. So if you have the time to stop by her blog I'm sure she'll appreciate it. :D

Without further ado, the reason I wake up every morning with a smile on my face:How cute are my boys? Seriously.

Life's a Gas

Ever have those days when everyone wants money that you just don't have, and your baby absolutely refuses to sleep more than oh an hour at a time, and you can't pay the car insurance because you're the only one bringing in an income and you're only working part time, and your already-has-enough-issues-baby is having what are likely seizures about 25 times a day, oh and has also caught the same cold as you? No? Okay maybe that's just me.

But really I shouldn't complain, look at everything I do have:

-a wonderful online network of support. (That's you!)
-fantastic friends who are willing to bail me out and help in whatever way they can even without me asking.
-a beautiful amazing baby who only needs smile or laugh to bring the light back into my life.
-a loving, caring husband who stays up with the baby when he won't sleep all night, and cooks me dinner, and does the housework (mostly) without complaining.
-a job that I really do enjoy.
-free membership to the gym which I swear I will eventually use..
-not to mention all the creature comforts, and necessities of life that I have.

Some people have it much worse I know. So while I complain about some things, I am also most grateful for other things.

Anyway in other news, my best friend is embarking upon a exhilerating and terrifying journey of her own right now, as she tries to become a mother on her own! If you have the time, please stop by her blog and give her some words of encouragement. She can use it!

Now, as a reward for listening to me whine, I give you the cutest baby ever (who has two of those stacking ring toys).

First Steps

He did it! He took his first steps while holding my hands. He's been standing quite well (as long as he has something to hold onto for balance) for 2 months now, but he normally just stands, any effort to get him to move anywhere is met with much resistance. Until today that is. We were playing on the floor, and I did some tummy time with him (he's still trying to figure out the whole crawling thing. He sort of flails every limb randomly) and he started to get annoyed with that so I rolled him onto his back and held out my thumbs for him. He pulled himself up to sitting, then standing, and then !!! he took 3 steps towards me! I freaked out and started praising him frantically in a falsetto voice. He did it again several times, probably feeding off the positive feedback from mommy. To which I responded by picking him up and snuggling him and covering him in kisses. Then I laid him down to change his diaper, which normally is something he just lays there for, but not today. He rolled over three times during the course of his diaper change. Stationary baby no more.

So it begins..

Head Shaking

Okay, so if you read the post beneath this, I finally managed to take a video of what he does, I intend to show this to his neuro to help the diagnosing process. But I thought I might as well get everyone else's take on it. Especially anyone who's seen a seizure that looks like this before.

Seizures

There's always something isn't there? You think you're okay, and then something pops up. I'm sick, I have this stupid cold and I feel like hell because of it, but really I can deal. That's not that bad. Then Chuck says to me this morning that he thinks our son may be having seizures. It's not out of the realm of possibility. If his ACTH levels are low that's what happens. But he's been on stress pred for a long time, so it isn't like he's been low on his cortisol replacement therapy. Of course we're not certain that what we're seeing is an infantile spasm (baby form of seizure). For the past month he's been randomly shaking his head like he is saying "no" which we thought was cute. And he does it when he doesn't want his soother, like if he's lying down on his back and you put the soother in his mouth and he's crying and upset and doesn't want his soother he will shake his head (in the same way we shake our heads no) to get the soother out.

But he also does this head shaking thing randomly, like while he is drinking milk and while he is just sitting there. I know head shaking is also a sign of an ear infection in babies, but he doesn't have any of the other symptoms and last time we had the ped check his ears they were fine (and he had been doing the head shaking thing before). So now I'm concerned. We're setting up another appointment with the NP, and the neurologist to check it out. Seizures are a known symptom of Septo Optic Dysplasia, but I had really hoped we wouldn't have to deal with them.

I'm feeling somewhat overwhelmed, if it is seizures what am I going to do?? I mean yes I know logically what I will do. I will research every possible thing I need to know about them, choose the best treatment option out of what's presented to us by his team of specialists (the treatment is actually prednisone, so I'm guessing they will up the dosage) and monitor the situation blah blah blah etc. But I am wondering when will he get a break? When will we get a break? We had gotten so used to all his current issues and taking care of everything and being comfortable with it. I'm just not ready to add seizures to that list. Plus seizures generally mean a lower intellectual capacity. Not that I am saying I will love him any less if he is mentally/developmentally disabled. I will always love him just the same, he is perfect, he is my baby, but what about when he goes to school? What about when kids start calling him a "retard"?? I don't want that for my baby. I don't want that for anyone's baby. I wish people would stop using that word.

All I can do is hope it's just him being him and not a sign of a bigger problem, and know that even if it is, we'll deal.

This just sucks.