Saturday, March 22, 2008

A Sign of Hope?

Last night I dreamt I gave birth to a daughter, she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. She had C's blue eyes and my brown hair. Odd thing though was I gave birth in a van, while it was moving, and she was born as a 2 year old.. like we had just skipped the entire unsure newborn part.. Maybe I was so afraid of seeing my baby born still born that my mind just skipped past that entire stage. I gave birth to her and I was just holding her there on my lap staring at her, waiting for her to cry.. but instead of crying she started making sounds, like she was learning to talk. It was beautiful. I looked at her and I knew I couldn't name her Cadence (the name I picked out for a girl). I knew right away that her name was Larissa.

It's very strange.. I'm hoping for and dreading another pregnancy. I'm terrified that if it happens again, that it might end the same way or worse.. and yet I want that beautiful baby I saw in my dream. Even if I have a boy, with brown eyes like me.. or whatever genetics decides will be my baby, that's the baby I want. As long as it's alive.

On an unrelatedish note I saw my dad the other night, he hadn't had any alcohol in 2 days.. that's a good start. I hope he can keep it up. If only my parents and my offspring can both survive long enough to meet each other.

1 comment:

chantelle said...

i know exactly how you feel. i lost my baby on the 21 March 2008 i was 9 weeks 5 days pregnant. i never told anyone i was pregnant only hubby. i have not gotten over it yet. i would like to talk to you some more you can e-mail me on crigglesford@yahoo.co.uk