Thursday, April 24, 2008

Pantless Babies??

So C and I are now the proud owners of about 14 onesies, and 9 sleepers and 2 dresses and 2 baby shirts.. Remember how I said I almost bought baby clothes? Yeah well apparently as of yesterday I can't even go into a store with a baby section now without buying something. It all started with a 3 pack of onesies on sale for 5 dollars.. uh how can I pass something like that up? And it just escalated from there. I also managed to acquire a glass bottle and 4 pacifiers..

Oh and tonight as we were packing it all into a big colourful plastic tote which we had to buy to store the baby's new loot in, I suggested to C that we wash the baby clothes, and then realized that we couldn't wash everything yet because we don't have any booties or hats or PANTS, my poor unconceived children are going to be running around pantsless while all the other pants-wearing babies make fun of them. How deplorable I say. Downright deplorable. (I'm relatively sure that deplorable is a word, and that I used it correctly, but there's a chance I could be wrong, and there's an even higher chance that I am far to lazy to open another tab and check..)

Saturday, April 19, 2008

11 Months

Yes 11 months, that's how long C's dad is giving us to have a baby, apparently. No I'm not kidding, we went over there for dinner last week and his dad says "so when am I getting grandkids? In about 10 - 11 months, that gives C a couple months to get it right" I was like uh yeah.. sure one baby coming right up. Seriously I'm working on it. And anyways (and this I didn't say to him, but trust me I wanted to) he won't be taking care of our kids anyway. The most contact he's going to have with them is when I am in the room. Sorry bud but you don't have the best track record with kids. At least not your own. So don't think for a second I'm leaving you alone with mine.

On the baby front things seem to be getting worse for me, how ridiculous I realize I have become. When I said last post that I was looking for books for the baby I take care of, I lied. How sad is that? Yes I take care of a 17 month old baby, and yes I bought baby books, but they weren't for her. They were for my unborn, in fact as of yet unconceived children. And today I went to the closet for some sick reason to find Sophie's onesie, and discovered to my despair that I have no clue where it went. Imagine if you will a 5'3 woman searching her closet frantically, pulling out boxes and hangers and all sorts of random crap, desperately trying to find baby clothes for a baby that was never even born. This may have been the low point of the week needless to say.

And why, why oh why am I still buying book after book about raising babies and parenting, and I have diapers and wipes in my purse which, is actually a diaper bag. I practically broke down in a fricken department store with C yesterday and almost bought a bunch of teething rings and baby clothes. I saw the cutest shirt, with I love nature and stuff on it, but it was pink and I was going to buy it and then I turned to C and was like but.. what if I get pregnant again and it's a boy? It would have been fine for Sophie.. but.. yeah..

Oh yes, and let's not forget last week when I saw that C had left the baby blanket that I crocheted, in the basement on our old bed. And how I freaked out. Didn't he understand how much time and effort I had put into making that? And how it was made of super soft baby wool so as not to scratch Sophie.. And how there were icky yucky bugs in the basement!? After his profuse apologies, we took it back upstairs where it remains in our bedroom closet, underneath a pile of clothes, thrown there in my haste to find baby clothes that I can't even put to use.

I think I should maybe actually have a baby first before I start buying it clothes and toys.. but ugh. baby where are you? come out come out wherever you are. how hard is it for sperm to find my damn eggs. I'm going to start drawing up maps and sticking them up there before we have sex if something doesn't happen soon.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Oh Yes I'm The Great Pretender

Oh man, where do I start?

I wish I had the time to blog everyday, but I've been working the most insane hours lately, like 8am to 11pm. So I haven't had much time to do anything really. And despite that, it seems I have found enough time to be a complete b*tch to everyone around me, especially C. I'm not sure why, I think it might be because I want a baby so badly, and it's just not happening. It could be because I'm nervous about things, like C leaving me, I know he won't but there's the whole "damaged goods" thing, and my last relationship was abusive, all I was thinking was when the hell am I going to escape this, and so now that I have something I want to keep I guess I am afraid it will end. I am afraid to lose it..

I've been so frustrated lately, with everyone and everything, but myself the most. Trying to park the car the other day I almost neutral dropped the damn thing and I just sat there and sobbed. Like what the hell. I wish I knew what that was about, I've even been having trouble enjoying the things I normally like. I hadn't been excited about anything in a while until well April 5. The weirdest thing, I dreamt I was pregnant. In the dream I had just found out I was pregnant, except I was living with my ex. And all I kept thinking was I have to find a way to get away and find C again. And I woke up and remembered the dream, and fell back asleep like half an hour later and the dream continued, it was weird.

Later that same day I had spotting.. and I thought oh great I guess I'm not pregnant. Thanks for the stupid misleading dream. Whatever. But there hasn't been any more blood since then, and if I had started it I would have been early.. So I'm wondering what's going on now. The freaky dream and the bleeding. It's bad because when I woke up I thought the dream was like a sign, I was hoping against hopes that I actually was. I have no idea how to feel now.

Yesterday was good, I spent some time with a girl friend, we went dress shopping and tried on a ton of dresses. For the first time I wasn't even upset with my body.. I've gone up like 3 sizes. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, and I keep thinking I got the shitty end of the deal. Last week in McNally Robinson (bookstore) I was looking through the children/baby section, and people with their children kept staring at me like I was out of place so I pushed out my stomach and started rubbing it like I was pregnant.. How sad is that. And the worst part is I thought to myself "at least this baby fat is being useful for a change". You're probably wondering why would I torture myself like that (looking at baby books) well it has to do with my job. I'm a nanny to a 17 month old baby girl. Who I love with all my heart. She is the sweetest baby ever, and everyday I spend with her just reaffirms me that I need to keep trying..