Monday, June 30, 2008

Like The Ocean

We heard it today! The baby has a heartbeat!! A good strong heartbeat according to my wonderful nurse who I wouldn't trade for the world. We got back the blood test results everything is awesome, she did the full physical and it was quick and painless, and we heard the baby's heart beating! Yes I am getting way too invested in this now. It exists, I have proof (we videotaped it) and I've never been so excited. She warned me beforehand that we may not hear it due to positioning and not to panic. But we did, and it was strong, and C commented that it sounds like the ocean.

The other day about 2 hours after I posted, C dropped a piece of his desk on a pile of pictures (in glass frames) and there were 3 pictures in the pile, the one on top shattered, we picked up the bottom two and the middle one was miraculously perfect, not even a scratch. The bottom one was broken into.. and get this I kid you not one single bit, the glass was broken into a perfectly symmetrical shape of an ANGEL. And can you guess what that middle picture was? The completely unscathed middle picture that escaped without a scratch? The picture of Sophie's flowers..

Now I wish I could say that I was making this up or that I'm a whackjob, but I'm 100% serious, and C saw it too and started crying. It was freaky! Anyways I acknowledged that somewhere out there our baby angel must be watching out for this baby. I think she is making sure her family is okay. Sophie my baby girl, wherever you are I know you're watching over us, and I love you, I always will. I'm not going to forget about you. I think you know that though.

Saturday, June 21, 2008


Ok I might be insane. Scratch that, I am most likely probably insane, but I swear I felt the baby move today. Yes I am only 10 weeks. I know. But I felt movement in my uterus, which although it is entirely possible that aliens have taken it over as their sovereign land, I'm fairly certain it was the baby/babies. It wasn't a cramp, but it wasn't like anything I've ever felt before. It felt like something moving inside me. I'm totally freaked out. Am I just out of my mind? Is it even possible to feel them move at this point? Am I having sensory hallucinations?

This baby is really making me crazy. Okay, crazier. I'm so moody and I wake up all night long to pee. C and I can't stop fighting, even when I try to tell myself to just be calm and deal with his behaviour without blowing up and blabbity blah, it lasts like 15 minutes before he finds a new way to piss me off. And I swear he is being just as moody as I am. Here I have been naive, I thought it was his job to be all nice to me and make me feel better when I am yelling then weeping then laughing etc within a 5 minute span. But instead he is yelling at me too, and freaking out over the stupidest things. Hello that's my job right now why don't you get your own. Job stealer.

Don't get me wrong we still love each other soo much, we're just totally emotional now. I want him to stop having sympathy pregnancy symptoms or whatever he's doing and just be the guy who understands and lets me get away with murder. Ehh yeah who am I kidding, that's expecting way too much, especially from a guy. I should be happy for everything that he does do for me. Like wake up way too early every morning to drive me to work because I refuse to take my driver's test again. And he almost always does the laundry, and I never have to ask.. And he knows me better than anyone else and never pushes me into anything I don't want to do..

Okay.. well now I'm not mad at him anymore.. Thanks blogland.. haha, lets see how long this lasts, I'm thinking maybe 10 minutes.

Friday, June 20, 2008

10 Days Now

That's right, ten days from now I'll get to hear the heartbeat, supposedly. After I popped (belly got huge overnight) last week I went to my baby and me class and I'm almost as big as a friend who is 21 weeks along. I'm thinking I've been eating too much unhealthy food, but my mom is convinced I am having twins. While I would be happy with twins, I'm feeling like it'll be a disappointment when everyone finds out that no, I am just fat. I guess I'll know on the 30th when I go for my next prenatal. They'll be discussing the results of the blood tests, doing the internal exam (blahh) and all that lovely stuff.

I got a letter in the mail telling me that my ultrasound is on Aug 29th and to drink 1 cup of water and not empty my bladder. Screw you guys, I can't sleep through an entire night without peeing 5 times, in fact I can't go like 15 minutes without peeing, how about you drink the water and I'll push down on your stomach.

Yesterday C and I were driving and Ordinary Day came on the radio (Sophie's song) I turned it up as loud as it would go, sang as loud as I could and pretty much sobbed my little eyes out. I must say I have been doing a lot of crying lately. Probably the hormones. Pretty much everything is making me cry, I can't read most of your blogs without crying, but I have to read them anyway, they are beautifully written, and remind me of the important things in life.

Speaking of such things, I got pet tadpoles on the weekend, which I am having the best time with. Watching them grow and develop is amazing, it reminds me that even though I can't see it, my baby is doing the same thing right now inside me.. Oh and don't worry I haven't touched them.. as my mom is sure that if I even breathe near them I will cause something to happen to me or the baby.. And people wonder why I'm paranoid and think I am killing my baby all the time. Thanks mom.

C and I are moving at the end of this month, and we still don't know if we have this apartment yet, which if we find out we don't then we are pretty much up shitcreek without a paddle, because we'll have like a week to find somewhere.. Lovely. I love it when people jerk me around. We've been looking pretty hard, but most places require a dmg deposit up front before they tell you if you have the apartment, and we gave it to this one place, and lets be honest we don't have enough money to throw around to give every place we look at a dmg deposit.

We're in the midsts of packing and it sucks. I'm happy to be going through all of the things I bought for Sophie, and I think of how she was supposed to use them, and if this baby is born am I going to feel weird putting them on her or him. (I think it's a her, if the dreams are any indication) I mean I'm happy because I'm pregnant again, and the stuff might get some use. But I am sad because it was supposed to be hers. I mean it's not like she can feel sibling rivalry or think she is being replaced which I don't think she is. But Nemo's due date is the day Sophie died, and now I am giving Nemo all of Sophies stuff. I'm trying to think of it as handmedowns and maybe Sophie would be happy to know that the blanket I spent months crocheting for her is going to good use.. and her onesies and so on.

On the other hand I'm still in the danger zone so I know I am getting months and months ahead of myself assuming that this baby will even survive to need this stuff.

Ugh why can't I just be naive and enjoy all this heartburn and peeing?

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Happy Father's Day

So today a little old lady made me cry. I don't mean that in the bad way like an old hag who yells at you until you break down.. I mean I took C to breakfast for father's day to celebrate his being a father to an unborn baby again. And now that I am showing I guess I am drawing more attention to myself. Anyway this sweet little old lady was sitting all alone at the table next to us, and she handed me a bottle of ketchup as we sat down, saying she didn't need it. I thought that was kind of odd but really sweet. We finished eating and the waitress handed me the wrong bill. I guess it was fate. I looked at it, and it was about half of what ours was supposed to be.. I was tempted to say yay I'll take it. But C looked at it and said it must be the little old lady's. Not being one to jip a little old lady I turned around and asked if it was hers.

Indeed it was, and she had ours so I gladly exchanged them because there was no way I would want her to have to pay our bill. Anyway she was grateful and began telling me her life story, as elderly people tend to do when they are alone. Long story short she was just the most darling thing, told me how her husband passed away four years ago, but lived long enough to see their grandson and hold him 3 times. And she said it was sad to be alone but that she had lots of good memories. She kept saying how sweet C and I were, and asked us our names. She asked when I was due, and she said she would pray for us and the baby. Now honestly I'm not christian, but I just wanted to hug her, and for some reason it made me feel all warm inside knowing she was thinking about us and the baby. She said she wanted to adopt us. haha. It was so cute.

C and I got to the car after we finished breakfast and I just started bawling. At the same time I was laughing at the absurdity of my crying. I felt so bad that she was so alone and she lost her husband, I told C he better not die before me. I felt so touched that she was a complete stranger, but seemed to care so much about us, and wished us well. I told C I wanted to be her friend. But I don't even know her name. I know how crazy I sounded. C just held me and laughed/cried with me. Damn those pregnancy hormones! And here's to cute little old ladies who just need someone to talk to. I hope you all have a relatively painless father's day.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

One Hour

Ok so I might be getting slightly nervous now. My appt is in less than an hour. And I have whitecoat anxiety.. and I hate physicals, and I end up having a panic attack in the waiting room like everytime. blah. Okay trying to calm down, think happy thoughts, don't want to stress out the fetus if it's still alive in there.. wish me good luck.. I'll post when I get home tonight to say how it went.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Tagged! Yay!

Thank you clc for the tag! My first one ever. My appointment is tomorrow ack! Okay here goes..

1.)What were you doing 10 years ago?

1998, the year my grama died, hmm I was grieving her death, and later that year taking care of my brand new cousin. I was also obsessed with the movie Titanic if I remember correctly.

2.) What 5 things are on your to-do list for today?

Well I was going to call the govt of Canada and tell them I can't pay them the $116 today for the gst return they screwed up like 3 years ago. But I figure I'll just deal with that on pay day..
-I'm planning on eating my noodle soup that C made me.
-Possibly pick up a couple of groceries since we're pretty much out of food.
-We were thinking of going to the cheap seats to see a movie, since it's like 2 dollars a flick as opposed to 20, and it's raining so what else is there to do. plus we haven't had a day off together in what seems like centuries.
-Probably call my mom to check on her since last night was one of those devastating worst night of my life kind of things, (whole family got together late last night because my brother was freaking out again, oh and my dad was drunk.. so not helping dad.)
- Read all my favourite blogs (as I do everyday) and I should really work on the blanket I'm crocheting for the baby..

3.) List some snacks you enjoy

-chocolate bars
-pretty much anything bad for me!

4.) What would you do with a billion dollars?

Take care of my family, fund a charity to research stillbirth and child cancers, and well all kinds of cancer... Keep my job as long as I can because I love the baby I take care of. Buy a huge house for me and my family, and my parents, and my brother. Maybe get my dad into some sort of alcohol program.. I don't know lots of stuff.

5.) List the places you have lived

-Houston, TX (for not even a whole year when I was 14)
-Winnipeg, MB

6.) List the jobs you have had

-room attendant (fancy term for hotel maid.. I did that for 1 week..)
-and other volunteer jobs

7.) List the names of the people you want to know more about

I think I'm going to go with Chrystina, Becky, and Amy since I don't if they've done this yet.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Premonitary Dreams?

I just woke up from an interesting dream, in which I somehow knew that I was having twin girls, but one of them was somewhat weaker than the other.. I also knew that I was going to deliver on a Friday at 4pm. I wonder if any of this is true, maybe I'm carrying twins.. Maybe not. I guess I'll find out in 2 days, if they even do the ultrasound on Tuesday. I would have thought I would have horrible morning sickness if I was having twins, or at least I have read as much, but here I am still without any queasiness at all.

Friday hmm.. Jan 16 is a Friday in 2009, it's not too crazy to think that it would be born a day early. Or maybe it will be born on Friday January 23rd the next week.. 3 days before my birthday. Or maybe Friday at 4pm is when I'm going to go into labour, or maybe it will be a more recent date and it will be when I lose the baby/babies.. I think I'm overanalyzing things.

Anyway I have to go to work, which should be interesting since I'm working a booth with my boss at the kids festival.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

OMG It's a Fetus!

Wow.. let's chalk this up to hormones.. but when I read today on that my baby is now a fetus I almost burst into tears! Oh my little embryo how quickly you've grown, already a fetus.. before long I'll be crying at your graduation!

There's No Need To Rush

So I've decided it's time to slow down a moment, and write a well thought out post, and possibly make it coherent for a change. Honestly you'd never know it, but I am quite a good writer. The problem is that I write stories, novels and poems, all sorts of things filled with emotion and tantalizing descriptions. So I tend to get lazy with things like blog posts, just randomly ambling through them, not holding myself to the same standards as I do with my creative writing. Although I suppose blogging could be a form of creative writing.

There have been numerous times that I have wanted to post some of my works here, but due to people like anonymous (untrustworthy people lurking around who aren't here for any of the right reasons) I just can't bring myself to do it for fear of it being stolen and me finding out later that it's been published somewhere under another person's name. I know I am probably being paranoid, but it's happened to me before.

I'm starting to re-evaluate my life again. Wondering what's going to happen next. I mean a baby, that's a big life change, it not only changes my life, but it entirely changes who I am as a person. So far I've only been focusing on what happens when it dies, but now it occurs to me, what happens when it lives? I mean I have so many plans for how we're going to raise this baby, and I know how much I already love this baby.. but it's still a huge change. I'll no longer be a myself, just a woman, I will be a mother first. My priorities will change, baby first, then my needs. I knew all these things going into it, it is just starting to seem more real. Though I know I'm nowhere near being in the clear, and things can still go horribly wrong, it seems like maybe it's time to think about these things.

I wish I could share this beautiful poem I wrote for Sophie with you all. I'm torn because it's very personal and in this respect I understand even more why clc took down Hannah, because it's the same way I feel about this poem for my baby girl. It's something so personal and intimate that if someone like that (anon) were to read it and leave comments taunting me, well it would be like me leaving my bleeding heart lying in the dirt for someone to kick around and pour sand on.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

6 Days

Counting down to this appointment, still totally freaked out, thinking that every little thing is a sign that the baby is going to disappear in there or something. Or that maybe it's like the episode of CSI where I wanted to be pregnant so badly that my body is completely mimicking every sign of being pregnant. Though I'm not sure if you produce hCG if you aren't really prego. Is that possible? Cause my pg tests are coming up so dark now.. Maybe I am pregnant.. but how long is this going to last.. I'm hoping until this baby comes sliding out of me while I am swearing profusely and it's crying..

Hmm graphic imagery here. Kind of gross. Seriously though who knew being pregnant after a loss would make one insane with paranoia about the stupidest things like wearing pants that are too tight? Is it possible to squish the baby? Because people (my friends who've never been pregnant) keep telling me that no I won't squish it, but what do they know they never miscarried. And then my freaking out about the tiny tiny must-have-been-thimble-sized cappucino I had.. And the 5 seconds I spent walking past people who were painting a building, what if the fumes harmed the baby?? Gaaaah. What if this what if that. I'm feeling more and more insane by the minute.

Yesterday was C's birthday, we had fun. Kind of mad at the friend I talked about earlier, the one who said I should just tell my parents and who tried to reassure me that I wouldn't miscarry that it's like impossible or something. Anyway she grew up with C, and they were even room mates for a while. And yet she didn't remember yesterday that it was his birthday. We even gave her like 20 hints and she didn't catch on until I said the exact date. It was like wow clueless much. I know she is completely wrapped up in her wedding crap (which C and I are both in her wedding party) but to forget one of your best friend's birthdays. Oh and then to refuse to see us at all or come have coffee because she had to clean and organize.. Hmm lets us know where we rank in the scheme of things. You won't come see your friend on his birthday because you have cleaning to do? Okay. Whatever.

I can't wait for June 10th, I have decided that I will tell my parents then, after I know that it's alive and doesn't have two heads or whatever (unless there are two babies in there, then I hope there are 2 heads). I'm going to tell my bosses too. I just want some sort of assurance before I get their hopes up. C's mom thinks I am so tired all the time because of a lack of iron.. Actually I'm taking my prenatals everyday which have iron in them. And I have been eating a lot of cream of wheat which also has iron in it. Maybe I am tired because my body is growing a baby?? Anyone ever consider that possibility? From what I've read it's perfectly normal to be tired all the time in the first trimester.. Eh whatever..

Time seems to be going so so slowly. I just want to see this thing already. And sad part is I don't know if they are even going to do a sonogram/ultrasound on Tuesday because they just said they'd give me a physical. If I have to wait and make another appointment for a sonogram/ultrasound/whatever I will go insane. I want to see/hear this damn baby now!!! Wow I am insane already I guess. Poor kid. Your mom is cuckoo-bananas.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming

If you've seen Finding Nemo you'll understand the title of this post. No idea why but I can't get that song out of my head. It's so cute, and I guess it kind of encompasses everything. In a way we all have to just keep swimming. Try to keep your head above water, and keep moving on with life. Anyway enough of me waxing philosophical. Whatever that means. Thanks to everyone for your hugs and concerns, I'm feeling much better and am confident I will never enter that mall again, and as one of my rl friends suggested maybe I will simply pee on their steps next time I really have to go. (I'm kidding, my urine is much too important to be on their dirty concrete).

I'm glad clc isn't going to let anon torment her anymore, but I think it's sad she had to take Hannah down, she is a beautiful little girl and I am going to miss her. Of course I understand why she had to take her down, but still it's such a shame there are people like that lurking around here laughing at people in pain and causing them more hurt. I hope anon gets whats coming to him/her. I know they will. I believe in karma, good and bad. And that person will get it back hopefully they will learn their lesson.

I should probably go to sleep I am so tired, but I'm talking to my brother online and he is actually talking to me, and not just swearing and whatever which is new. So I'm going to try to relate to him for a bit see if I can get somewhere with this. My dad is pretty much back to drinking I guess, which I kind of figured would happen, and what with his mom lying around waiting to die I suppose that just gives him one more reason to turn to the bottle.

Like I said though, just keep swimming just keep swimming.. Trying to go with the flow of things. I know by now that nothing I say or do will stop him from drinking so I am just going to accept that some things I can't control and be grateful for the time we have together before his liver explodes or whatever. Heh and here I thought I was going to do a post with a positive energy. Lets see positive things.. Uhm I have icecream in the freezer, that's pretty awesome.

The blankie I'm crocheting for Nemo is coming along, slowly but surely. It's not that I crochet slowly, it's that my metal arm gets tired and I have to take breaks and then I put it down and fall asleep and forget about it for a day or two. If my arm didn't get so sore I could keep going until it's complete because I do crochet pretty quickly. I think it's time for C to give me some more arm massage. I mean the bone is completely healed it's just the muscle that get sore easily. Especially with repetitive motion. (heheh get your mind out of the gutter!)

Anyhoo I am going to end this before I really fly off on a tangent and confuse everyone even more.