Sunday, November 30, 2008

I'm Alright For The Moment

Thanks everyone for the wonderful comments. I'm feeling much better today. I've managed to pump a hell of a lot more. I've scheduled myself so that I'm pumping every 2 hours for half an hour at a time and it seems to be working well so far. I'm now 8 feedings ahead of him which is an entire day. We've had really great nurses the last couple days who are being supportive and awesome.

Today we even got to watch them give him a bath, and next time we'll get to do it ourselves. He is doing great, still desatting after pretty much every feeding, but they have been increasing his oxygen a tiny bit while he eats and putting it back down to room air afterwards to avoid the desats. Daddy got to hold him today while they tube fed him, and I pumped more milk. We found out he has gained more weight and is up past his birth weight which is great I hope he keeps gaining. They're going to weigh him again tonight. When he cries I sing to him and it seems to calm not only him but any other babies crying in the vicinity which is nice.

He is still nice and stable and holding up really well. He's very strong just like his mommy and daddy. I'm hoping the next month passes by so fast that I get whiplash cause I just want him home so bad. They say it could be anywhere from christmas time to his due date that we get to bring him home.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Crying Over Spilled Milk

So there is this one day nurse Skyler has had a few times. She is very business-like, pretty much get it done and that's it. Most of his nurses like to coo at him and call him sweetheart and they are very loving and wonderful, they take the time to explain everything to us and are overall pretty comforting and pleasant to be around. This one nurse not so much. A few days ago we went and brought him his milk late at night, I pumped while I was there as well and then we went home. We came in for his 10 o clock feeding and I had only pumped once that morning. When I handed the nurse the milk she asked "Only one?" and gave me this not so nice look. Then as I usually do after his feeding I asked if I could pump some milk while we were there. C asked her to get the large flanges because the small ones hurt me. So she said something to the effect of pumping is supposed to hurt you aren't going to produce enough milk unless you use the small ones. Basically implying I am not making enough milk and I'm a wuss who cares more about the pain than about making sure my baby is fed. Which I'd like to say is not true at all. In fact I have been keeping ahead of his feedings by at least 4 at a time. And I don't care if it hurts I will do anything for my baby, but I tried the small ones and got less milk, went back to the big ones and got more milk.

Anyway yesterday I sent C in with 3 more containers of milk at about 2pm and told him to ask and make sure he was good for the next few feedings. Well it turned out he had a lot of milk, he had about 4 more feedings than I thought, but that was before the bitchy nurse managed to dump 100mls of breastmilk on the floor. Which is more than 3 feedings worth. Apparently when she mixed the human milk fortifier with it, she shook it too hard and it went flying out of her hand and she spilled the entire thing on the floor. When C called me to tell me this I was pretty much hysterical. I don't think I stopped sobbing until much after we'd hung up the phone. I don't understand how you can be careless enough to not screw the lid on properly, and shake the damn thing so hard that you can't hold onto it.

This just felt like a huge blow after she basically chastised me for not making enough milk for him. It's one thing if it's my fault, but you make me feel like a horrible mother for not providing enough milk when in reality I am providing more than enough, and then you go and dump it on the floor. If it's so precious and you don't have enough don't you think you'd be a little more careful. And apparently her apology was basically like "oh well things happen" well yes they do, I understand mistakes can be made and we're all just human but seriously it took me at least a good 2 hours to pump that, and I was stressing out about it the whole time because she had made me feel like I didn't have enough milk for him which was probably affecting how much I pumped.

Honestly I may sound bitchy for saying this, but if she had been nice to me and my baby then I probably would find it easy to forgive her for it. But the way she's acted towards me and Skyler makes me not so happy about it. Luckily she is off for the weekend, and maybe when she gets back she will be more careful or maybe they will put her with a different baby, I'm hoping she doesn't do it again either way.

After I got off the phone with C I took a nice hot shower put on some relaxing music and pumped every hour for the rest of the night just to replace what she destroyed. Luckily I am keeping up with him so that he doesn't have to have formula. Not that I have anything against formula feeding but apparently they have been finding trace amounts of melamine in Canadian and US formulas including Nestle and all the major distributers so I am trying to avoid that as much as possible. Anyway I am past due to pump again.. so here I go.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Time Is a Commodity I Can't Afford

Number of times I've sat down to write a post in the last few days: 13
Number of times I actually got anything written before I had to sleep/eat/pump/go to nicu: 0

I'm starting to feel like I'm hungover all the time, but without having any fun the night before. I'm headachey, exhausted, I have puffy red eyes 90% of the time, dry mouth etc. I've been assured it only gets better. Anyway enough of my complaining for the moment. Today's post is dedicated to C, because we are having a very tough time getting through this and even though we love each other soo much we've been arguing here and there over stupid things due to lack of sleep and excess of worry. So today I'm writing 15 things I love about C.

1. The way your eyes light up every time you see our baby.

2. That you constantly sterilize all the bottles and pumping stuff right after/before I pump. I know it's tedious and you keep burning yourself but you do it for me anyway so that I can rest a little in between pumping.

3. How you still say I am sexy even though I look and feel like I've been dead to the world for 9 days.

4. You got peed on by our baby last night and laughed and thought it was cute even though I wouldn't stop teasing you. I'm sure he'll get me soon.

5. How you rub my back when it gets really sore.

6. The way you stood up to your parents for us and told them to take a break and let us catch our breath, even though it was hard because they were trying to be nice which doesn't happen often.

7. How you read our baby's chart every time we go to the NICU and check for updates on everything and ask the nurses for all his stats.

8. The fact that you cook us lunch and dinner everyday to make sure I'm eating enough even though you are just as tired as I am, and there's no time for much of anything. You make it a priority and I'm grateful for that.

9. When you hold me and kiss me and I can smell your cologne and even if only for a few seconds everything feels right again.

10. The fact that you haven't shaved since the day our son was born because it just isn't important enough when we only have enough time in a day to pump, bring him milk, sleep a couple hours and maybe eat a couple of meals.

11. That I asked you if you could do the laundry while I did the dishes and you don't complain, even though you're cooking lunch at the same time.

12. You overcook the french fries so they're exactly how I like them. ;)

13. You keep encouraging me even when I feel useless and want to give up.

14. Even while we're fighting you still take care of me.

15. How gentle, caring and loving you are with our tiny little boy and just how amazing you are as a daddy.

And if you're stuck for blog ideas I invite you to write a list of things that you love about someone special.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Today He Sucked

They moved him to Pod 4, which is awesome. His iv and oxygen and everything have been removed for now, and he only has censors left on his body. He is taking full feeds of breast milk with human milk fortifier to gain some calories. And tonight I got to breast feed him for the very first time. It was amazing, my little boy has a good suckling reflex that's for sure. They say babies don't usually figure out the latch + swallow + breathe thing until week 34, but they let me try because he is sucking really well on the soother. The nurse said we might as well let him get familiar with the breast even though he probably won't do anything with it. But he did, he got out quite a few drops of milk and suckled really well. I mean that kid has better latch than my breast pump. If we had let him suckle for like 10 mins or more I bet he would have gotten quite a bit of milk.

It was amazing to hold him up close to my chest and watch him latch on and when I'd pull the nipple away so he could get more air, he'd shove his face in closer and open and close his mouth. He actually managed to get my nipple back in his mouth when I pulled away.

I'm not getting my hopes up, he may be back on the oxygen tomorrow, he may need an isolette to keep his temperature up.. Things can change overnight I know.. But right now he's doing pretty well and for that I am so thankful. I might even get a few hours of sleep tonight.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Wish You Were Here

Thanks for the advice everyone. C has talked to them and they say they understand, so far they have let us have the day alone which has been nice. Also my breastpump actually is a hospital grade one, it's a Medela Pump in Style and it's actually a fantastic pump, we figured out the problem today. The 'standard' size breastshields are too small for my nipples. We managed to stop at a baby store on the way back from the hospital and pick up some larger one and you would not believe the difference. Here I thought the problems (pain and it taking forever) were just normal. Anyway pumping is much easier now.

We went to N's birthday party today. She turns 2 tomorrow I can't believe it. Time flies by so fast. There were lots of little ones there, it was kind of hard to see them all running around and playing and wearing tupperwear on their heads when I know I can't hold mine or show him off yet.

He had a number of apnea episodes over the last day.. He's on a bit of oxygen now. But the nurses say it's normal for his age and they are giving him caffeine to help him remember to breathe. His body temperature seems to be regulating itself, and by tomorrow he will be on full feeds hopefully. Which means that they can get rid of his IV. He's tolerating the breastmilk wonderfully, and he just needs to start gaining some weight. He's done a bit of treatment for jaundice, and they are checking him again tomorrow to see if he needs more. I want them to do whatever they need to do in order to keep him healthy and growing until he's ready to come home.

It is tough though, today we went and I pumped in the room with him, that was nice. We got to hold him for his feeding and change his diaper and everything, we've been doing it whenever we can. Last night we barely slept. Everything is catching up to us, we're both exhausted but worked up and worried about everything. We ended up calling the NICU at 2am to see how he was doing. After we fought for like an hour and a half over something so stupid as a dining room table. His parents brought over furniture last night to replace mine because apparently my dining room table will kill the kid when he is old enough to walk. Riiight whatever. Anyway I was really pissed off that his parents have decided that MY stuff isn't good enough for my child and they had to replace it. So we fought for a while about that. Not to mention he agreed to clutter up my living room and kitchen with all the crap from his parents and I have like no say in it. There's barely room to move or breathe in here now. I feel claustrophobic, like I am being pushed out of my own apartment and they are taking over.

Good thing they stayed away today I might have blown up at them. Even the nurses at the NICU said to tell them to leave because Sky needs his milk and I need my rest.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Lo Hicimos!

Feeling much better today. Sleeping in my own bed, being able to shower and feel like a person again probably helped a great deal. Even better seeing my little guy this morning, breathing on his own with no tubes! He is amazing. He is my world, and he is a strong little man. I can't believe he was inside me only a few days ago. This perfectly formed little person.. Amazing.. He's doing very well for a preemie. Today we might even get to do kangaroo care. I can't wait.

I'm already starting to feel a bit like a dairy cow, but I love every second of it because I'm making food for my baby. He's digesting the breastmilk really well, even though I can't breastfeed him just yet, he's drinking it through a tube and doing great with it.

Labour was about 20 hours long, for most of it I had no idea I was in labour, yeah it hurt and everything, but I thought it must be braxton hicks. I went to work and did all my normal stuff. We even went to our first (and probably last) prenatal class. Haha all the while I was in labour. After 20 hours of drug-free labour and giving birth all I can think of is that song from Dora the Explorer at the end of each show "We did it!" (which coincidentally is the title of this post in spanish ;)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

November 19th, 2008

Things just got a whole lot more real.

Skyler Liam was born at 5:53pm on Wednesday November 19th, weighing 4 pounds 0 ounces and measuring 16 inches. At the gestational age of 31 weeks, 5 days.

He's in the NICU and at the moment doing pretty well.. probably better than I am right now. Physically I am great, perfect shape. Released from the hospital after one night.. But everything else? Not so sure.

Monday, November 10, 2008

10 Weeks..

Can you believe it? I can't. 10 weeks left to go.. It's insane. Other girls in my baby & me class are giving birth, and I can't believe that the jumping kicking bumping mass that was in their stomach just last week is now out and about in the world, looking around with wonder and wow.. It's just surreal. And thinking that if everything goes the way it should that will be my little one in 10 short weeks..

I met my OB, and by some freak scheduling problems I ended up having to take the two year old I take care of with me. And it was the day after the first snowfall or should I say dreadful snowstorm of ice, sleet, hail and loads of wet snow which by the next day had solidified into pure ice. Luckily for us the tire on the car had blown up completely 2 days prior and C had to spend 5 hours on his day off waiting at the automotive place for them to replace the two front tires. Apparently it's winter tire season.. Anyway the drive to the OB was pretty good considering we had to go super slow and such, it helped having new tires.

The OB was as great as everyone on webMD promised she would be. N (two year old) even behaved very well. She played with some plastic fish in the office, and listened intently when we heard the heartbeat. The doctor listened for the heartbeat and smiled. She said "Your baby has hiccups, do you feel that?" I nodded and she went on, "That's a very good sign, babies don't get hiccups the way we do, it means the lungs are getting prepared to breathe real air. They only get hiccups when they are happy and have all the nutrients (etc) that they need." Needless to say that was a nice reassurance. Now when I feel those hiccups I feel good, it's a reminder my baby is thriving so far. She said I'm measuring perfectly for my gestation, blood pressure is perfect, everything looks good so far. My next appointment is Friday the 21st.

The cute thing was when I got N back home, and her mom came home from work at the end of the day she asked N how the trip to the doctor was. N said "baby, hiccups!" It was so cute, I hadn't even talked to her about the baby having hiccups she just heard it when the doctor said it. It just amazes me how much they pick up and how well they listen even when you don't realize they are listening. Which is also kind of scary. Trying my best to watch my language when she is around because she could end up repeating anything I say..

Anyway I should get back to my whatever I was doing..