Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Progress? No? Okay..

Skyler is the same as ever, they have decided now that the max amount they want him bottling is 20mls, and only one attempt at bottle per shift. Annoying to me because he can take the whole thing, and I think if they are only doing 20mls they should do it more often than just once a shift. He can handle this. Apparently they don't think so, so he stays on nasal prongs, taking only 20mls of bottle once a shift, the rest is gavaged.

I'm hoping we get to bring him home sometime before he starts crawling or learns to walk. The stupid thing is in Canada or at least where I live he has to be completely off the air, and taking full feed by bottle all on his own. I've heard that in the states they can send you home with medical equipment and teach you how to use it. Here we have to wait until the baby is completely self sufficient. Better in some ways? Maybe. Less chance something will go wrong when he comes home, but it means him staying there for a stupid long amount of time which I don't like. He has horridly bright flourescent lighting in his eyes at all hours of the day and night, he is surrounded by a cacophony of beeping and shrill alarms going off nonstop, and a symphony of high pitched wailing from the other babies. Not to mention loud nurses and other visiting parents. It's no wonder they do a hearing test when babies have been in the NICU for a month or more. It's also no wonder that he is "so tired out" each day when they feed him, I can't imagine he is getting much sleep with all those distractions, would you sleep well under a bright light with nonstop noise?

I'm worried he will be confused at home, it will be quiet here. No beeping, no other babies crying, no bright flourescent lights.. What if he has a hard time adjusting? I have the most irrational fears.. I want badly to say when he comes home, but it feels like an eternity. It is one thing to have a date, a solid date, like January 16th. That is something to grasp onto, something to mark on the calendar, something I can count down to. But with everything up in the air, changing every day it is getting me very frustrated and it's hard to hold onto that hope of him coming home when every time I go see him they say "At least another 2-3 weeks." Well thanks people but that is what you told me last week and the week before that.

I know I have so much to be grateful for, he is alive! And he is getting hefty, he is already a solid 6 pounds 2 ounces. My little big boy! I am so proud. There are many other babies who have it much worse. I just wish progress was being made rather than this irritating stand still.

In much more delightful news I figured out a use for the baby lotion that I cannot use because I am lacking a baby. I put it on my hands last night (to see if it would be safe on a baby's sensitive skin, because mine is pretty sensitive) and amazingly enough it managed to smooth down some of the horrible crocodile skin I've gotten from washing with alcohol soap for the last month and a half. Who would have figured.

Sunday, December 28, 2008


So he is 37 weeks now, and if he were developing normally he would be home. But he is not. He seems to have plateau'd (how the hell do you spell that) he's just desatting every once in a while, still isn't taking full feeds from anything but the tube. He has done it by bottle but only like twice. Still on nasal prongs. Still having trouble laying on his side. He is getting better and better at breastfeeding which is no surprise since he started out doing pretty well. But unfortunately I cannot be at the hospital all day long sitting there waiting to breastfeed him as much as I would like to. So he remains in the hospital, and everyday we watch more people take their babies home.

There was a 20 year old mom in our pod, her baby was across from ours diagonally. We started talking to her a week or two ago. It turned out her baby was the same gestation as mine pretty much, 32 weeks. Turns out she had to be flown in from a very small town that's very far from here. She had been staying in a guest house, all by herself. She spent all of her time at the hospital. Christmas day we took her out for lunch, and then boxing day we had her over for a nice homecooked meal. Just for a change from the hospital. She was a very nice girl, and it felt good to be able to connect with someone, especially someone who is trapped in an unfamiliar place, with her baby in the hospital, and completely alone on Christmas day. Her and her baby were discharged yesterday.

C is now on parental leave, which is great. It means I won't have to take the bus to work anymore. Apparently he can get a longer amount of time off work because the baby is in the hospital.

I've been researching which stroller to buy. We have a Peg Perego car seat that we were given, but I'm not sure I trust it. How am I supposed to know if it's been in a crash or not? I think I want to go with the Graco snug ride, and the Graco Vie4 stroller. My dad is supposed to be buying them for us sometime next month. Anyways I hope you all are doing well, I am going to try to get another hour of sleep before I have to pump again..

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


Skyler actually bottled an entire feed! Yay! He's still on prongs, but they are bottling him once a shift now, and I can breastfeed him whenever I'm there for his feeding time. I nursed him twice this morning and the first time he latched on and sucked fairly well for a good 30 minutes. Very impressive..

Anyway they say he will still be there for a whiele, but I'm proud of him anyway.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Happy Yule

He's doing about the same, but I am doing much better.

Last night was great, we had friends over, celebrated together. Had a nice meal, good conversation. Presents were exchanged. C and I even did some holiday baking yesterday afternoon and spent time together just actually enjoying the day. We saw the baby of course, I finished his sweater and a matching hat which I brought today and took pictures of him wearing.

Yeah went to see him today, C held him for over 2 hours. Which is amazing we often just get to hold him for the 10 mins of tube feeding and then have to return him to his plastic box. But lately we have been spending hours snuggling him after his feeds. His sats were perfect the entire time.

And it's time to talk about the GOOD nurses. Lol yes we do have some of those. It's just the bad ones that get me so riled up that I need to vent. So I forget to mention the ones that make my day. We have this one nurse, S who is usually on nights with him. She is fantastic. She cuts little shapes out of his tape for his face. yesterday he had stars, today he has moons. Which is perfect and completely fitting as we celebrate Yule/Winter Solstice today.

The day nurse he's had for the past few days including today, R, is great as well. She lets us hold him as long as we want. Her words were "If he's happy I'm happy" which means we can hold him as long as we want if his sats are fine. She even said it's good for his knees (he doesn't sat well unless he is on his tummy usually and so his little knees have been getting so red) because daddy holds him on his back sometimes chest to chest, and it gives his little knees a break from the plastic crib (there's like a matress in it of course but it's very firm and not as soft on his little knees as his daddy's tummy. hehe)

There's another new baby across from us in the pod, and today we met his parents, we also talked to the mom of the baby diagonally across from Sky. It was nice, the 5 of us were talking and laughing and joking about our little ones. I felt almost normal.. Like a parent.. I think because they get it, they understand. I can feel like a parent with the other parents in the NICU. Whereas in public in my normal everyday world outside the hospital everyone else is walking around with their babies, looking like parents. Whereas no one would guess I was ever pregnant.
I have been much better since I talked to my daddy. I admit he was drunk and rambled a bit, but he was right. And my entire perception has changed. I no longer say "if he were home we could _____" Now I say "when he comes home we can ______" and it feels so much better. I'm no longer letting myself think of the if's. I have decided that he is coming home eventually and I am going to focus on that.

Last night and this morning we brought in some shortbread I baked, to give to his nurses. Walking in with 2 containers of breastmilk and a plate of cookies I said "Hey we brought milk and cookies." ha ha ha. Attempting humour, see I am feeling much better. Anyway it is only a matter of time now. I am going to go find the camera and upload the pics of him in his new sweater. :D

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Nice While It Lasted

We're sorry but the promotional item you have selected is no longer available.

Anyway he's back on the prongs. And one of his nurses the other night tried to convince me I'm an idiot who can't tell time. When clearly she is the one with the mental retardation. I told his overnight nurse at 5am that I would be back at 6pm. Told his day nurse at noon the same day "I will be back at 6pm to breastfeed him." Both nurses had said they'd pass it along for me.

So I get off work, we get there for 6pm as I had said I would. The evening nurse is there, she says "I just finished his feed & touch time" I stare at her, slightly perturbed. She looks at me and says "His feed is at 6 o clock, did you not know that?" I look at the clock on the wall right behind her head, wondering if I have suddenly lost the ability to tell time. The big hand is on the 12, the little hand is on the 6. Exactly. She says "Do I need to write down his feeding times for you?" I look at her again, completely dumbfounded. She continues asking if I know what time his feeding is at, and tells me again that it is at 6 o clock..

I stand there wondering to myself if his feeding time is 6 o clock then why is she done feeding him? Does she know what time his feeding is at?? I tell her that I told both his nurses earlier today that I would be in at six. She says "Oh well if I knew that I would have waited, no one told me." Okay so I am cranky now, after being told by the doctor earlier today that I'm not keeping up my milk supply enough to keep up with him, and now having a nurse treat me like I'm retarded because she screwed up and fed him early. So I deposit the container of milk on the table by his bed and say alright then I guess we can go since there's nothing else for us to do here but watch him sleep. We leave, and then call them to say we will be back for his 9 o clock feed and to please NOT feed him before we get there.

We go back for 8:30 just in case she is on her own little timezone where everything is half an hour ahead. While we're waiting to pick him up we look over at his chart where it says on the very top in legible writing that "Mom will be in to breastfeed at 18:00" This note was made at 5am when I told the first nurse I'd be back. So Ms. Can't Tell Time either knew I would be back at 6 and didn't care or she wasn't reading his chart. We also read further in the chart where it was noted that she fed him early to take her break. Ok thanks. I totally understand having to feed a baby early because you have two babies that need to be fed at the same time, or having to feed him early because you absolutely cannot take your break at any other time. BUT I don't understand her making ME feel like I am the one at fault. Her people skills leave something to be desired.

Really is it so hard to say "I'm sorry I had to feed him early because -insert excuse here-."? That I could have handled, that would be just fine, it's happened before where I missed feedings and different nurses were on shift and explained what happened and apologized, I always say oh no problem don't worry about it. So it's not like I'm unreasonable or I puff up like a demon and start snorting through my fangs. All I want is a simple explanation as to why you couldn't read his chart to find out I was coming and wait for me to get there. (Which I wasn't even late. Though she almost had me convinced that I was.) Legitimate reason for not waiting that's fine. But don't ask me if I know when my son's feeding times are. I do know when they are which is why I told the nurses I'd be in for that exact time, and also why I was there for that exact time.

So he will be there until sometime in January, he is being slow according to his nurses and doctors. He is not developing at the rate he should be. I had one nurse tell me that they try to clear out the pods before christmas and send home as many babies as possible, but mine won't be one of them. He will be staying much longer. I was like gee thanks for that one. I've watched 5 babies go home in the last couple of days. People who have been in the NICU for a few days or a week, maybe two at the most. It feels crappy being jealous of them and knowing they get to go home before we do, they get to have christmas with their babies, while I spend it running back and forth to the hospital to make sure he has enough milk.

Honestly though today I feel much better than I have in a while. My dad talked to me last night and told me I have to stop stressing about it so much, even though it is taking forever, it's inevitable that he will come home, even if it takes forever I will have my baby. They can't keep him until he's 18. He told me that when I get upset I just have to start thinking about what I plan to do with him when he comes home. How I'm going to put him in his sling and walk around the house and sing to him and breastfeed him whenever he gets hungry not every 3 hours (or two and a half.. if the nurse can't figure out what time is what).

I started to realize today that if I just remember that he will come home eventually then I can stop focusing entirely on that goal of getting him home as soon as possible. I think I can just try to relax and let it happen when it happens. I'm still frustrated and I still want this whole NICU thing to be over with, but at least I can try to remember that it will eventually end and in the meantime I just have to deal with it a little better because he needs me.

I'm crocheting him a tiny little sweater for yule which is tomorrow. It's the first sweater I've ever made, so far it looks pretty cute. I hope it will fit over his big head. I'm going to give it to him tomorrow (we celebrate yule and christmas, yule is the winter solstice). Hopefully I can get a few pictures of him wearing it. Maybe if I have time tonight I will make a matching hat or something.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

All New Wireless Handheld Baby!

Coming soon (hopefully).
They finally took away the oxygen. :D
I can't believe it, four weeks ago today I gave birth to this perfect little being.. If he can start bottling soon he will be home sometime around new years.
Oh and how cool is my blog that I have spammers in my comments section trying to get me to click on a link that will probably give me a virus.

Monday, December 15, 2008


I swear it's not a made up word. And yesterday I woke up with one on my left boob. What is a bleb you ask? It is a milk filled blister on the areola (which is the brown bit that surrounds the nipple..). Yes my life gets better everyday. Especially since today I am taking the bus to work at 7am. And I have to wait 15 mins in between buses, why is that a problem you ask? Mainly because it is currently -41 degrees outside. Celcius. Though I am assured that -40 is about the same in farenheit, probably because the rough translation is "weather that will kill you within less than a minute". Gotta love Manitoban winters.. ugh. If I suddenly stop posting over the next week or so feel free to assume I died of exposure in a snowbank somewhere.

Friday, December 12, 2008

7 Days

In 7 days he'll be a month old.. And to think he's spent the entire first month in the hospital. /Sigh.

So things have been about the same. He is too "immature" (their word not mine) to come home any time soon. In other words he needs to start breathing on his own without the oxygen tube and without the desats, and then he also needs to be taking full feeds by mouth (not the tube that is currently down his nose to his stomach) before they will even consider discharge.

The nurse tonight said the earliest would be Jan 1st, if he smartens up and starts breathing on his own etc. Last time they weighed him it turned out he had lost weight so they added protein to his breastmilk on top of the human milk fortifier. Hopefully that will cause him to start gaining again..

The nurse tonight was great, she went through the list of stuff we need to know before baby comes home. Even though it won't be for a while yet, she said she wanted to get most of it done so that when he is ready to come home we won't have to wait days just for them to go over the list. (It's like a take your baby home instruction thing..) She told us a whole bunch of crap I already know, which was fine because I explained that I take care of a baby for a living and she was totally understanding and said that I must have lots of experience with all this stuff.

She also (when going over the breastfeeding/milk expression thing) said that I clearly have no problem with my milk production (as she gestured towards the 5 filled containers of milk I pumped this morning). So yay +100 points for the nurse whose name I have already forgotten. Anyway she also let me nurse Skyler! I hadn't held him in like 5 days up until yesterday when I got to hold him for a tube feed. This time, even though he is intubated she let me put him to breast while she poured the feed down the tube, just so he could suck and get full at the same time. She said it was good because I had just pumped while there before his feeding. So he wasn't going to get extra milk or choke on it or anything, and this way he could at least learn to associate the full feeling in his tummy with mommy's boob. (I'm sure she said nursing or something and not "mommy's boob" but whatever)

Yep so we're in it for the long haul. Oh and another baby went home today. I haven't talked about that yet, but it makes me hopeful and sad all at the same time. We've been in Pod 4 the longest and you have no idea how many babies I have seen come and go in the last 3 weeks. Damn happy people taking home their baby after a few days... ugh. I wish I was them so bad. As I watched a couple tonight buckle their little one into a carseat and happily cart him off home I stared back at my baby and wondered desperately if that would ever be us. It doesn't feel like it. January is so far away.. Screw christmas and screw presents I just want my baby. That's it.

Oh I know, I know "It will all pass so quickly. He'll be home before you know it.." etc etc blah blah blah. I know people are trying to help but it gets tedious hearing that from my parents and whoever and then the nurses saying yeah he's going to be here at least another 4-6 weeks. It's like how is time passing quickly? I've been doing this for 3 weeks already and it feels like it's been 3 years. I swear there's some sort of time flux in the NICU that makes it seem like it's even longer than it really is. (There's also this one broken clock in his pod that changes time but is never the correct time, it's batteries are half dead or something and it ticks on ever so slowly. This only adds to my time flux theory) So if someone would like to tell me that time is passing by quickly I will have to say sorry but I don't believe you. When you come home to an empty crib every night and spend every other hour pumping milk for a baby that isn't anywhere in sight time doesn't go by so fast.

Oh and to make things exciting, baby and I apparently have thrush! Yay nipple pain for mommy and horrible diaper rash for baby. It's from the antibiotics they gave me in labour and him when he was born. Ugh. I'm now taking probiotics to try and combat that lovely holiday present. They're using nystatin and zinc on his bum. Hopefully it will clear up soon..

I know when all is said and done I will come home with a living squirming baby. And that makes this eternally long soul sucking torture all worth it.

Monday, December 8, 2008

This Post is for You

I want to take the time to thank all of you who come and read my whining and leave me all these wonderful encouraging comments and give me the strength to keep going, even though I know most of you have been through far worse than I have and yet you still find the time to "lend an ear" so to speak. Thank you so much. It means so much to me to have all these arms around me even if it's just through the internet.

I know things will get better. I believe in him, he is strong like his mommy and daddy and he will come home. Even if it seems to take forever. In the meantime I am getting by as best I can, but I couldn't do it without all the support.

Thank you.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Forget the Step Forward

Apparently we are proceeding straight to the two steps back. This is like when you land on Go To Jail in monopoly except much less fun.

They still have no clue why he isn't breathing on his own yet, it may be reflux or something. He is desatting (drifting in and out of low O2 levels) for about an hour after every feeding. Soo they are going to intubate him or however you spell that. Basically they have decided to stick a tube down his nose and into his tummy and leave it there and pour some food down it once every 2 hours. Apparently this will aggrevate him less because the tube going up and down his throat makes him spit up (it's called a gag reflex people, I know he is a baby but he is a person too, if you stick a tube down his throat yeah he might not like it. duh). So yeah they are going to be handling him less. Once every 4 hours they will change his diaper and take his temperature. They will feed him less food, every 2 hours through the tube.

This may help or it may make things worse. If he still desats after every time they put food in his tube, and continues to desat for an hour like he has been then he will be desatting for an entire hour every second hour. Which will be much more stressful. On the other hand if he's been desatting because his tummy is too full after each feeding then having a smaller feeding every 2 hours will likely solve the problem. Either way he now has yet another tube coming out of his tiny little body. I don't know what to think of it. Hopefully this will help him and not make things worse because I don't want them to have done this to him for nothing, or to make it worse.

As a result of this, obviously I won't be breast/bottle feeding him any time soon. They said he's too young for that and it will come in time. Insert sigh here. He is growing well. I guess there is that. But he likely won't be home for quite a while. Today we brought in his lullaby cd. The one I used to fall asleep to while I was pregnant. It was nice to have them play it for him, it kind of distracts you from all the beeping for a little while.

Oh today I didn't cry. There's a plus. Or at least I haven't cried yet I should say, the day is nowhere near over, I'll probably find a way to fit it in later. We had a nice nurse today, we kind of unloaded on her yesterday, told her all about the mean one the other night, and this nurse was very reassuring about it. She told me not to feel like he wasn't my baby etc. Tried to make me feel better about everything. Offered to let me try breastfeeding him (last night before they decided to intubate him) I wanted to, but I declined because I was afraid to touch him and I told her this. She told me not to be afraid and that I needed the cuddles. I let C hold him for the gavage feeding instead. Anyway she was there today and she was nice. I let C hold him again. I just don't feel up to it. I want to really badly, but I can't stand it, sitting there watching his sats go down to the 70s and thinking I must be doing something wrong because he can't get enough oxygen in his blood.

I really truly am hating this. Waking up each day is like returning to a nightmare that I can't escape from. I keep wondering does it ever get better? Does he ever come home?

Today I almost told C to hand Sky baby to "mommy" to put him in the crib. I almost said it without thinking. Can you guess who I was referring to? It wasn't me, it was the nurse. Why do I feel this way? I don't know. I'm a visitor to my own baby, I'm not the one who gets to reposition him in his crib and decide what time he is going to feed or go back down to bed. The nurse does all this. So yes I guess I don't feel very much like he belongs to me. I almost bit my tongue off as I was about to say it outloud. Yes I understand how important it is that he get all the care he needs right now. And I guess I am not the person to do any of this for him. I just have to accept that, and I am trying so hard but I just can't. If I didn't want to be the one to take care of him I never would have had him. I'm ready to be his mom. I want to be his mom.

Ok there we go. Cried today? Check. Lovely.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

One Step Foward Two Steps Back

Last night was pretty much hell. All day yesterday I had wanted to go see Skyler. C was at work until 2pm. I would have gone in the morning but I went the day before and the bus only goes so far and then I have to walk the rest of the way, and when I walked there to see him the other day I began bleeding heavily, which is not so good because I had stopped bleeding altogether before that. So as much as I wanted to go in the morning I decided to wait until C was home so that we could go together and maybe make his 4 o clock feeding.

When C got home we were both pretty tired. We had talked about what we were going to do that day, go visit Sky, come home take a nap, maybe if we were lucky watch a movie or do something else to try to relax. You can see where this is going. So of course his parents call and guess what they want to see the baby, but his dad doesn't get off work until 4:30. So our plans just aren't going to work for them. They decide they will take us to dinner and get to see the baby. So C agrees (without asking me I might add) and then when I ask him what's going on because clearly I do possess basic hearing skills, he tells me that I can decide what we are doing that night. I stare at him dumbfounded. "How am I going to decide what we do tonight if you just made plans with your parents?" Yeah no. So we decide that we have to skip his 4 o clock feeding and take a quick nap so we aren't completely dead to the world, and go for the 7 o clock feeding. If his parents want to see him they have to do so before 8:30pm.

Ok so I am unhappy, but alright compromise whatever. So we end up at the slowest restaurant in the world, chosen by his parents. Guess what time we get out of there. 8 o clock. Ok so 7 o clock feeding missed completely, and his parents decide it is almost 8:30 therefore no time to go see the baby. Ok thanks for dinner which I really didn't want, and completely mucking up our plans. So we go to the hospital and have to wait until his 10 o clock feeding now. And I was depressed because I hadn't seen him all day and feeling like a bad mom already for not visiting, and I wanted very badly to nurse him because the sooner he learns to eat the sooner he can come home.

When we got there we found out he had been moved from the nice quiet pod to the busiest pod in the whole place. Every bed had a baby, and there were at least 4 nurses, as opposed to the two in the other pod. They informed us that since they had less babies they shut down pod 4 where he was and lumped the pod 4 babies into pod 2. Lovely, it's a whole lot more crowded and noisy and busy where he is now. When we got there I noticed his oxygen was cranked up to 35 when it is normally at about 23. I ask the nurse, she says she has no idea why. The proceeds to tell me he is the same as before. Ok so again I ask if he is desatting the same, why is his oxygen so high? And I notice his monitor is set to alarm if he strays lower than 88. Before it was set to 85 or something like that. She tells me this is because if it goes too low he will get brain damage, if it goes too high he will go blind. OK.. So why was it set "too low" before then?

So then she tells me that they are now running multiple tests to see why he isn't breathing on his own yet. Including a chest x ray they did earlier that day, which no one told me or C about. They also pricked his heel again to test his blood oxygen levels which are apparently normal. So I ask if they found any reason as to why he might not be breathing on his own yet since they ran all these tests. She says no, it could just be from his prematurity. Ok.. So then she goes on to say that his due date was probably wrong and he is probably more premature than they thought. Um excuse me? No. I tell her this isn't possible, I remember the exact date of implantation. She gives me this look like I'm an idiot. OK whatever lady, but you know what I do recall a specific lack of you and the entire medical staff when I conceived him. And I do remember the date of my exact last period before him, and the TWO days that we could possibly have concieved which were 3 days apart. So he is either 3 days older than you think he is and therefore less premature OR he is the exact gestation that I said he was. BUT what do I know I am only the woman who conceived and gave birth to him.

I didn't say that stuff to her but I thought it. Ok so she says he is likely to be staying in the NICU a lot longer than we thought since he still can't breathe on his own. Fantastic. At this point I am not really able to hold back the tears. She moves on to focus on another baby for a bit, and C and I sit there while I try to hold back the tears. It only takes me a few minutes before I decide I can't handle it anymore and I slink off to the bathroom outside the NICU. Down the hall into the antepartum ward, and I go to the closet of a visitors bathroom and just sob silently for 5-10 minutes. Eventually I try to make myself stop crying by singing the "triangle" song. (James Blunt on sesame street, it's hilarious.) I splash some water on my face and decide to go back in.

We sit there staring at the baby, the wall, the floor, whatever is around. Knowing we both have lots to say but don't feel comfortable saying it with all these people around so we sit there silently until C has to go to the bathroom. While he's gone I decide to talk to Skyler. I sing a bit, very quietly and tell him how much I love him. Then I decide to speak to him in spanish. I did while he was in the womb, and I plan on teaching it to him at home so why not. I tell him he needs to breathe well on his own before he can come home with mommy and daddy. I tell him how much we love him and that he is strong and he can do this.

C comes back, I ask the nurse if he's alright for me to try nursing. She says she isn't sure with his breathing the way it is. She says we can try for 5 minutes before his gavage feeding. We do so, she is amazed that he latches on and sucks etc. His sats are completely fine for the entire 5-10 minutes he spends at the breast, he is alert and awake and doing what he is supposed to do. She gavage feeds him while C holds him. He dsats a bit, then after the feeding he dsats a lot. I think it's mostly because he is always trying to poo while he is being fed, and with his stomach full it presses against his diaphragm affecting how much air he can get.

After she settles him back in his crib and he is dsatting like crazy she tells me it's because he tried to breastfeed. It sucked all the energy out of him and he can't get enough oxygen now. She says they are going to discuss it at rounds tomorrow. I wonder to myself if that is true then why does he dsat after every gavage feeding, especially when I am not here. He had dsatted 3 times during or after feedings that day and I had not even been present for any of them. Instead of asking about this, I attempt to swallow down the lump in my throat, grab the milk cooler and head for the door. Tears stream silently down my face until we exit the hospital where it escalates into full blown chest wracking sobs.

I am the worst mother in the world. I am trying to kill my baby with my breast. Lovely. Next thing they will tell me I am going to take a guess here: "Your milk is poison and your baby gets physically ill every time you are in the building please leave now or you will kill him just by being here."

Oh yeah awesome. I'm feeling a creeping sense of despair. I feel like it is useless for me to visit him in the hospital because I am not supposed to touch him, he dsats with handling and apparently breast feeding soo I guess I can sit and look at him through the plastic box and watch him sleep while the nurses give me dirty looks and say things like "I guess you will be leaving soon" (no lie a nurse actually said that to me once while I was sitting there watching him). Is it wrong for me to want to go to sleep until he is ready to come home? Just wake me up when he is in the car seat and coming home.

This is my december,
this is my time of the year
this is me pretending
this is all so clear

Oh and here, you need something to cheer you up after reading this so go watch this:

Friday, December 5, 2008

Skyler and Sophie

This is a post that I have been meaning to write for a while now but everything tends to go sideways on me lately.

It seems I have been so caught up in the whole new/alive/preemie baby thing that I have forgotten about my not-so-alive baby. This is not true. She has been on my mind constantly as well. His due date was her death date, and I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. He came two months early, was there a reason for this? Also in other news of deaths and my family's superstition there's a death followed by a birth. Our best friend's grandfather died a few days before Sky was born, in fact his funeral was Wednesday afternoon, I was in labour & gave birth while they were burying him. Freaky no?

What I'm getting at is the whole life death cycle thing. If Sophie had made it Skyler wouldn't be here. He never would have been conceived. I like to think she is watching over her little brother. We even put the angel doll in his crib (at home) for now while he is at the NICU. We like to think it represents her watching over him and making sure he is alright especially since we can't be there with him every second of every day as much as we both would like to.

There is the ever important issue of gender here as well. Something that CLC discussed in one of her posts. Something I empathized with. When I found out Skyler was a boy I was (and I ashamedly admit this) not so thrilled. I mean yes I was happy yay baby! But part of me was sad too. Part of me had to give up having a girl all over again. Something I gave up when I lost Sophie. It was a different kind of loss, but it hurt somewhat all the same. I hate to feel like I wanted a replacement, like if I didn't get my girl the first time around then I would get my girl the second time. In my heart I know this could not be true anyway because it would never be Sophie, each child is different no matter what.

And yes I realize some people think I am referring to a blob of cells as my dead unborn baby, but she is. When people tell me a miscarriage is nothing and I should just get over it I think about how Skyler was once a blob of cells and now he is this beautiful 4 pound 6 and a half ounce baby. Every single person starts out as that little blob. I know very well that it's not the same as a stillborn, but believe me this baby was a baby even if she was just beginning to become one.

Back to the issue of gender. As I mentioned on CLC's blog I had a hard time accepting that he was a he. I kept saying to people that the ultrasound said boy but they can be wrong. I feel guilty about that, I invalidated his sex. I kept dismissing that he was a boy, I wanted a girl so badly that I didn't want to accept him for who he was. I still feel horrible about that, but it is what it is. It just took me a while to get over the fact that this was different. He is not his sister, nor would he be had he been a girl.

There is absolutely nothing like the moment when they place that tiny little person on your chest (or stomach in my case). I remember saying to him in my crazy post pushing exhaustion "wow I made you." in complete awe, and then repeating over and over again "hi.. hi.." I think I must have said hi at least 12 times. Then they had to whisk him off to the NICU. Now that he is here I would not trade him for another baby in the whole world, not even a girl. I love my son so much it fills my heart and spills over.

Could I ever choose between the two? No, I couldn't. I have to live with what was dealt to me and be happy that he is here, even if she isn't.

I must say I am missing being pregnant, there is this emptiness inside me where there used to be a baby now there is nothing but a shrinking-back-to-it's-former-size uterus. Sometimes I will listen to the songs that used to make him kick and I wait for it, to feel him expressing how much he likes Norah Jones and Elmo singing "Don't know why Y didn't come" but he isn't there anymore. It feels weird when I go to rub my belly and my belly is gone. It feels weird when Chuck starts poking my stomach or shaking me and I have to bite my tongue before I say "Stop shaking our baby" or "Don't poke at him you'll wake him up" and I know it's the hormones but I want to cry everytime I think that he isn't with me anymore. I can't feel him in my belly and I can't hold him in my arms. I mean I can, but only at his specified feeding times and only if I am in the hospital at those times and only if he is not dsatting. It's not the same as losing him forever, but it still hurts. I know I should just suck it up, really I know that, but I can't. It must be a billion times worse to not get to hold him at all ever again. I can hardly imagine the pain of it, and I find this situation to be quite painful. I don't take it for granted that he is alive. It's just tough not being with him..

Yesterday we had a really pushy condescending nurse. I felt so bad for C because he was trying so hard, and she kept putting him down. Basically every single thing he did was wrong. He wasn't gentle enough changing his diaper, he put the censor on wrong, he held his head at too high an angle for gavage feeding, then he held his head at too low an angle (she told him to lower it, and he did, then she bitched it was too low. etc etc.) I was suprised she didn't take out a protractor to find the exact perfect angle because really it wasn't like he was holding him much different each time she made him adjust and yet it was always wrong. And he also put the camera down in the wrong spot, and he didn't wrap him properly in the blanket, and he didn't wash his hands fast enough and he didn't hold the feeding tube in his mouth in just the right spot, and he basically did every single thing wrong. She made C feel like the worst dad in the entire world. Basically if he even looked at our baby he was doing something wrong. I felt sick to my stomach watching her berate him for everything. I seriously hope she is gone today..

Anyway enough of my ranting.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


When I asked the resident how he was doing her response was "fabulous" and she seemed shocked that I didn't realize how fabulous he is doing. She told me he has no health problems he is what they call a "feeder & grower" he needs to learn to feed himself (suckle from nipple or bottle) and he needs to grow, and then he is out the door. That is assuming things stay the way they are (getting better every day) The desats freak me out, but the resident assures me they are completely normal for his gestation and his colour is staying pink when they happen so it's not even a big deal. She says they usually grow out of it around 34 weeks-ish which he will be on Friday.

I'm crossing my fingers he will come home in about 2 weeks. That's what the nurses think anyway. They say of course it is up to him, he has to learn to feed, and if he can do that at 36 or 37 weeks he can come home. I was very glad to have spent the entire morning with him yesterday, and very happy the resident came to talk to me. She sat down with me and answered all my questions and reassured me over and over and told me how well he is doing. And I admit I am over the moon with this optimism.

So why do I still sit around thinking "what if something goes wrong? What if I get so excited about him coming home and then he takes a turn for the worse, just because I'm assuming he'll come home" It feels like I just can't allow myself to get so excited and happy because he is still hooked up to all those monitors. I thought about it and I don't think I would be so paranoid if he were at home. It's all those ringing. beeping, panic inducing monitors. He needs them for now, and that freaks me out.

I must say yesterday when I saw him he looked bigger, more filled out. He cried when he got hungry and it wasn't just a small squeaking noise anymore, it was pretty close to a newborn's cry. I will be very excited when he stops desatting and is able to breathe on his own without the prongs. Soon we should be able to bathe him on our own. I'm slightly nervous about that. They are bundle bathing him so that he won't lose any body heat. I'm worried because they have all these steps to washing him. What if I forget one, I think it goes head, arms, tummy, legs, back, butt? But when does the peepee washing part come in? Probably before the butt, but I just can't remember.

Last night as I laid blissfully snuggled up to C, I briefly thought that maybe in a few weeks there would be a baby in between us. Yes we plan on co-sleeping. Not with him on the matress though, ours is too soft for that. We have this little baby bed thing that goes into our bed. It's got a firm bottom on it, and a sleep positioner so he won't roll onto his back, and it has sides on it (with mesh) to make sure no one rolls over onto him. It even has a night light. I would put him in the crib, but with him being preemie and sometimes forgetting to breathe I think I will feel much more at ease with him right next to me so I can hear his breathing at all times. Of course his crib is right next to the bed and as soon as mommy feels comfortable he will be sleeping there.

Yesterday they tried to pressure me into giving consent for him to get the synagis shot. I know RSV is awful and everything, but the shot has risks too. None of which were discussed with me of course. I had to go to the product's website to find them out. One of the side effects includes anaphylaxis. Which if I'm not mistaken can lead to death in a matter of minutes. I know it's rare, something like 1 in 1000. But most people who have had a stillbirth have heard that it's rare too. I actually don't care how rare it is, I mean what happens if your baby is that 1 out of 1000. Then what? I walk around for the rest of my life knowing I let them inject him with something that killed him. Whereas on the other hand if he doesn't get the shots (they have to give one every month, and each one has the same risks of side effects) and gets RSV, then I have myself to blame as well. It's lose-lose really. I want to do what is best for my baby, and I am sure some people think that means getting the shots, but I just don't know. I'm afraid to inject his fragile little body with something foreign that he could be allergic to and there's no way of finding that out except injecting him..

Alright well please don't send me hate-mail about it cause I have enough to deal with, and then I'll have to post about another controversial subject like circumcision just to make everyone forget about this topic.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Up and Down

I think this whole NICU thing is all about ups and downs. One minute he is going great, the next he is desatting like crazy. He went the lowest I've ever seen him go yesterday and it was before his feeding which is not something he usually does. I must say it looks like we're taking a step backwards here and I don't like it. It scares me. I want him to just keep taking the steps forward, you know towards the door, and our car.. I didn't nurse him yesterday and only saw him once. We were so tired as always, and I had been called into work yesterday for the whole day (I've only been doing afternoons but they really needed me for the morning too yesterday) and C was working from 5:45am to 2pm so by the time I got off work at almost 6 we had time to go do his 7 o clock feeding and then go home to eat and sleep..

I've been pumping massive amounts of milk or at least what seems like a lot to me. Which is fantastic, I'm keeping ahead of him by a day at a time. In fact I've run out of sterile containers for the milk, again. C is at work right now until 1:45 and I start at 2:30 his work is like half way across the city and he has the car so I am contemplating taking the bus to work because I don't want to be late if he doesn't make it here in time. Yesterday he ended up working until just after 2 because his sister (who he works with.. probably not the best idea) screwed something up and he had to fix it for her. He assures me he won't be staying late today but I don't know. I am thinking of taking the bus to go see the baby and then bus to work from there..

We got to watch the nurse give him a bath on sunday, that was fun. He was actually pretty calm for most of it but he didn't particularly enjoy the crotch cleaning part. Perhaps he was embarrassed that his mom was watching. Wouldn't surprise me since he gives me the strangest look when I try to stick my boob in his mouth. I call it his "WTF" face. You can google what that means if you don't already know it. Seriously he looks like he's really disturbed by the fact that there is something soft and squishy and dripping milk in his mouth. One time he even yanked his head back and grabbed my nipple with his hand as if to say what the hell is this thing and why does she keep putting it in my mouth??

Last night I actually slept a fair bit. Went to bed around 10:30 or 11pm. Woke up to pump at 5am went back to sleep from 6 until 9 then pumped again. Now I am just sitting here waiting for the bottles to sterilize. Sleeping is good, makes me feel a little less crazy. We went to C's staff christmas party the other night, and I wore my sexy prepregnancy clothes and my boots! Heels for the first time in 7 months. I felt pretty, I even did my hair. Oh and I managed to get C to sit still long enough to get a hair cut because it was looking honestly quite clinically insane.

Yesterday I stopped in at a small local baby store. My boss is friends with the owner and she told me that for christmas she wants to get me a sling all I have to do is go pick it out and put it on hold. Luckily the Baby Bin Boutique is right down the street from my work so I went there on my lunch and picked out a black and white print pouch sling. I can't wait until I get to have my baby home and I can put him in the sling and keep him near me all the time. I swear when I get him home I am never ever going to put him down unless I have to. At least that is how I feel right now. I'm sure C feels the same way. We're probably going to fight over who gets to hold him and feed him etc.

I joked to the nurses that when we get home we'll be fighting over who gets to change his diaper. The nurses laughed and said why argue just let daddy do it. Eh they got me there. Skyler likes to pee on C and it's hilarious. When we had to undress him to weigh him C made the mistake of holding a naked baby to his chest and got baby pee all over his shirt. Hilarious I assure you. I took a picture of it but he was facing slightly away so it didn't show up as well as I would have liked.

Anyway I guess I should go attempt to nourish myself before I head off to the hospital.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

I'm Alright For The Moment

Thanks everyone for the wonderful comments. I'm feeling much better today. I've managed to pump a hell of a lot more. I've scheduled myself so that I'm pumping every 2 hours for half an hour at a time and it seems to be working well so far. I'm now 8 feedings ahead of him which is an entire day. We've had really great nurses the last couple days who are being supportive and awesome.

Today we even got to watch them give him a bath, and next time we'll get to do it ourselves. He is doing great, still desatting after pretty much every feeding, but they have been increasing his oxygen a tiny bit while he eats and putting it back down to room air afterwards to avoid the desats. Daddy got to hold him today while they tube fed him, and I pumped more milk. We found out he has gained more weight and is up past his birth weight which is great I hope he keeps gaining. They're going to weigh him again tonight. When he cries I sing to him and it seems to calm not only him but any other babies crying in the vicinity which is nice.

He is still nice and stable and holding up really well. He's very strong just like his mommy and daddy. I'm hoping the next month passes by so fast that I get whiplash cause I just want him home so bad. They say it could be anywhere from christmas time to his due date that we get to bring him home.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Crying Over Spilled Milk

So there is this one day nurse Skyler has had a few times. She is very business-like, pretty much get it done and that's it. Most of his nurses like to coo at him and call him sweetheart and they are very loving and wonderful, they take the time to explain everything to us and are overall pretty comforting and pleasant to be around. This one nurse not so much. A few days ago we went and brought him his milk late at night, I pumped while I was there as well and then we went home. We came in for his 10 o clock feeding and I had only pumped once that morning. When I handed the nurse the milk she asked "Only one?" and gave me this not so nice look. Then as I usually do after his feeding I asked if I could pump some milk while we were there. C asked her to get the large flanges because the small ones hurt me. So she said something to the effect of pumping is supposed to hurt you aren't going to produce enough milk unless you use the small ones. Basically implying I am not making enough milk and I'm a wuss who cares more about the pain than about making sure my baby is fed. Which I'd like to say is not true at all. In fact I have been keeping ahead of his feedings by at least 4 at a time. And I don't care if it hurts I will do anything for my baby, but I tried the small ones and got less milk, went back to the big ones and got more milk.

Anyway yesterday I sent C in with 3 more containers of milk at about 2pm and told him to ask and make sure he was good for the next few feedings. Well it turned out he had a lot of milk, he had about 4 more feedings than I thought, but that was before the bitchy nurse managed to dump 100mls of breastmilk on the floor. Which is more than 3 feedings worth. Apparently when she mixed the human milk fortifier with it, she shook it too hard and it went flying out of her hand and she spilled the entire thing on the floor. When C called me to tell me this I was pretty much hysterical. I don't think I stopped sobbing until much after we'd hung up the phone. I don't understand how you can be careless enough to not screw the lid on properly, and shake the damn thing so hard that you can't hold onto it.

This just felt like a huge blow after she basically chastised me for not making enough milk for him. It's one thing if it's my fault, but you make me feel like a horrible mother for not providing enough milk when in reality I am providing more than enough, and then you go and dump it on the floor. If it's so precious and you don't have enough don't you think you'd be a little more careful. And apparently her apology was basically like "oh well things happen" well yes they do, I understand mistakes can be made and we're all just human but seriously it took me at least a good 2 hours to pump that, and I was stressing out about it the whole time because she had made me feel like I didn't have enough milk for him which was probably affecting how much I pumped.

Honestly I may sound bitchy for saying this, but if she had been nice to me and my baby then I probably would find it easy to forgive her for it. But the way she's acted towards me and Skyler makes me not so happy about it. Luckily she is off for the weekend, and maybe when she gets back she will be more careful or maybe they will put her with a different baby, I'm hoping she doesn't do it again either way.

After I got off the phone with C I took a nice hot shower put on some relaxing music and pumped every hour for the rest of the night just to replace what she destroyed. Luckily I am keeping up with him so that he doesn't have to have formula. Not that I have anything against formula feeding but apparently they have been finding trace amounts of melamine in Canadian and US formulas including Nestle and all the major distributers so I am trying to avoid that as much as possible. Anyway I am past due to pump again.. so here I go.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Time Is a Commodity I Can't Afford

Number of times I've sat down to write a post in the last few days: 13
Number of times I actually got anything written before I had to sleep/eat/pump/go to nicu: 0

I'm starting to feel like I'm hungover all the time, but without having any fun the night before. I'm headachey, exhausted, I have puffy red eyes 90% of the time, dry mouth etc. I've been assured it only gets better. Anyway enough of my complaining for the moment. Today's post is dedicated to C, because we are having a very tough time getting through this and even though we love each other soo much we've been arguing here and there over stupid things due to lack of sleep and excess of worry. So today I'm writing 15 things I love about C.

1. The way your eyes light up every time you see our baby.

2. That you constantly sterilize all the bottles and pumping stuff right after/before I pump. I know it's tedious and you keep burning yourself but you do it for me anyway so that I can rest a little in between pumping.

3. How you still say I am sexy even though I look and feel like I've been dead to the world for 9 days.

4. You got peed on by our baby last night and laughed and thought it was cute even though I wouldn't stop teasing you. I'm sure he'll get me soon.

5. How you rub my back when it gets really sore.

6. The way you stood up to your parents for us and told them to take a break and let us catch our breath, even though it was hard because they were trying to be nice which doesn't happen often.

7. How you read our baby's chart every time we go to the NICU and check for updates on everything and ask the nurses for all his stats.

8. The fact that you cook us lunch and dinner everyday to make sure I'm eating enough even though you are just as tired as I am, and there's no time for much of anything. You make it a priority and I'm grateful for that.

9. When you hold me and kiss me and I can smell your cologne and even if only for a few seconds everything feels right again.

10. The fact that you haven't shaved since the day our son was born because it just isn't important enough when we only have enough time in a day to pump, bring him milk, sleep a couple hours and maybe eat a couple of meals.

11. That I asked you if you could do the laundry while I did the dishes and you don't complain, even though you're cooking lunch at the same time.

12. You overcook the french fries so they're exactly how I like them. ;)

13. You keep encouraging me even when I feel useless and want to give up.

14. Even while we're fighting you still take care of me.

15. How gentle, caring and loving you are with our tiny little boy and just how amazing you are as a daddy.

And if you're stuck for blog ideas I invite you to write a list of things that you love about someone special.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Today He Sucked

They moved him to Pod 4, which is awesome. His iv and oxygen and everything have been removed for now, and he only has censors left on his body. He is taking full feeds of breast milk with human milk fortifier to gain some calories. And tonight I got to breast feed him for the very first time. It was amazing, my little boy has a good suckling reflex that's for sure. They say babies don't usually figure out the latch + swallow + breathe thing until week 34, but they let me try because he is sucking really well on the soother. The nurse said we might as well let him get familiar with the breast even though he probably won't do anything with it. But he did, he got out quite a few drops of milk and suckled really well. I mean that kid has better latch than my breast pump. If we had let him suckle for like 10 mins or more I bet he would have gotten quite a bit of milk.

It was amazing to hold him up close to my chest and watch him latch on and when I'd pull the nipple away so he could get more air, he'd shove his face in closer and open and close his mouth. He actually managed to get my nipple back in his mouth when I pulled away.

I'm not getting my hopes up, he may be back on the oxygen tomorrow, he may need an isolette to keep his temperature up.. Things can change overnight I know.. But right now he's doing pretty well and for that I am so thankful. I might even get a few hours of sleep tonight.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Wish You Were Here

Thanks for the advice everyone. C has talked to them and they say they understand, so far they have let us have the day alone which has been nice. Also my breastpump actually is a hospital grade one, it's a Medela Pump in Style and it's actually a fantastic pump, we figured out the problem today. The 'standard' size breastshields are too small for my nipples. We managed to stop at a baby store on the way back from the hospital and pick up some larger one and you would not believe the difference. Here I thought the problems (pain and it taking forever) were just normal. Anyway pumping is much easier now.

We went to N's birthday party today. She turns 2 tomorrow I can't believe it. Time flies by so fast. There were lots of little ones there, it was kind of hard to see them all running around and playing and wearing tupperwear on their heads when I know I can't hold mine or show him off yet.

He had a number of apnea episodes over the last day.. He's on a bit of oxygen now. But the nurses say it's normal for his age and they are giving him caffeine to help him remember to breathe. His body temperature seems to be regulating itself, and by tomorrow he will be on full feeds hopefully. Which means that they can get rid of his IV. He's tolerating the breastmilk wonderfully, and he just needs to start gaining some weight. He's done a bit of treatment for jaundice, and they are checking him again tomorrow to see if he needs more. I want them to do whatever they need to do in order to keep him healthy and growing until he's ready to come home.

It is tough though, today we went and I pumped in the room with him, that was nice. We got to hold him for his feeding and change his diaper and everything, we've been doing it whenever we can. Last night we barely slept. Everything is catching up to us, we're both exhausted but worked up and worried about everything. We ended up calling the NICU at 2am to see how he was doing. After we fought for like an hour and a half over something so stupid as a dining room table. His parents brought over furniture last night to replace mine because apparently my dining room table will kill the kid when he is old enough to walk. Riiight whatever. Anyway I was really pissed off that his parents have decided that MY stuff isn't good enough for my child and they had to replace it. So we fought for a while about that. Not to mention he agreed to clutter up my living room and kitchen with all the crap from his parents and I have like no say in it. There's barely room to move or breathe in here now. I feel claustrophobic, like I am being pushed out of my own apartment and they are taking over.

Good thing they stayed away today I might have blown up at them. Even the nurses at the NICU said to tell them to leave because Sky needs his milk and I need my rest.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Lo Hicimos!

Feeling much better today. Sleeping in my own bed, being able to shower and feel like a person again probably helped a great deal. Even better seeing my little guy this morning, breathing on his own with no tubes! He is amazing. He is my world, and he is a strong little man. I can't believe he was inside me only a few days ago. This perfectly formed little person.. Amazing.. He's doing very well for a preemie. Today we might even get to do kangaroo care. I can't wait.

I'm already starting to feel a bit like a dairy cow, but I love every second of it because I'm making food for my baby. He's digesting the breastmilk really well, even though I can't breastfeed him just yet, he's drinking it through a tube and doing great with it.

Labour was about 20 hours long, for most of it I had no idea I was in labour, yeah it hurt and everything, but I thought it must be braxton hicks. I went to work and did all my normal stuff. We even went to our first (and probably last) prenatal class. Haha all the while I was in labour. After 20 hours of drug-free labour and giving birth all I can think of is that song from Dora the Explorer at the end of each show "We did it!" (which coincidentally is the title of this post in spanish ;)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

November 19th, 2008

Things just got a whole lot more real.

Skyler Liam was born at 5:53pm on Wednesday November 19th, weighing 4 pounds 0 ounces and measuring 16 inches. At the gestational age of 31 weeks, 5 days.

He's in the NICU and at the moment doing pretty well.. probably better than I am right now. Physically I am great, perfect shape. Released from the hospital after one night.. But everything else? Not so sure.

Monday, November 10, 2008

10 Weeks..

Can you believe it? I can't. 10 weeks left to go.. It's insane. Other girls in my baby & me class are giving birth, and I can't believe that the jumping kicking bumping mass that was in their stomach just last week is now out and about in the world, looking around with wonder and wow.. It's just surreal. And thinking that if everything goes the way it should that will be my little one in 10 short weeks..

I met my OB, and by some freak scheduling problems I ended up having to take the two year old I take care of with me. And it was the day after the first snowfall or should I say dreadful snowstorm of ice, sleet, hail and loads of wet snow which by the next day had solidified into pure ice. Luckily for us the tire on the car had blown up completely 2 days prior and C had to spend 5 hours on his day off waiting at the automotive place for them to replace the two front tires. Apparently it's winter tire season.. Anyway the drive to the OB was pretty good considering we had to go super slow and such, it helped having new tires.

The OB was as great as everyone on webMD promised she would be. N (two year old) even behaved very well. She played with some plastic fish in the office, and listened intently when we heard the heartbeat. The doctor listened for the heartbeat and smiled. She said "Your baby has hiccups, do you feel that?" I nodded and she went on, "That's a very good sign, babies don't get hiccups the way we do, it means the lungs are getting prepared to breathe real air. They only get hiccups when they are happy and have all the nutrients (etc) that they need." Needless to say that was a nice reassurance. Now when I feel those hiccups I feel good, it's a reminder my baby is thriving so far. She said I'm measuring perfectly for my gestation, blood pressure is perfect, everything looks good so far. My next appointment is Friday the 21st.

The cute thing was when I got N back home, and her mom came home from work at the end of the day she asked N how the trip to the doctor was. N said "baby, hiccups!" It was so cute, I hadn't even talked to her about the baby having hiccups she just heard it when the doctor said it. It just amazes me how much they pick up and how well they listen even when you don't realize they are listening. Which is also kind of scary. Trying my best to watch my language when she is around because she could end up repeating anything I say..

Anyway I should get back to my whatever I was doing..

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Things I Love

So tomorrow is my baby shower. My mom is very excited about being an abuela for the first time, and has put together this whole thing. It's going to be at my apartment because I have more space.. Turns out we underestimated how many people would want to come. I'm not quite sure where I am going to put everyone, but they will have a ton of cookies.. C baked like a million cookies. He's been more stressed about cleaning and baking and making everything perfect than I am. But I guess that is always true of our relationship. There is a reason I call him my little housewife. I'm so lucky to have him. I'm excited about tomorrow, and I know I am being so optimistic about everything. And at this point with all the kicking and everything, I have realized something.

I want to make it clear I miscarried my first, and I miss her immensely. But I do understand now how stillbirth is different, being at 28 weeks now.. I think if I lose this one, I will lose my mind. How can you go on after feeling those movements inside your body, knowing there is someone in there you created, gave life to, and then not knowing them once they are born.. It would be heartbreaking. No I don't believe in the "my pain is worse than yours game" but every pain is different, and it is easier for me now, to understand why some women would say that to me, as hurtful as it is to hear that your pain means nothing compared to someone who lost a full term baby. Which I don't think is true. It is a different pain. It is a pain that comes from feeling the little person moving around. Becoming attached to that little person over 8 or 9 months. Knowing they are fully formed and responding to light and sound, it's just something different altogether.

Having said that, I miss you Sophie, and I don't love you any less than your sibling. You were just as important to me. I'm sad I never got to know you as well as this little one, but I know you will always be my baby.

Anyway, enough of my rambling, onto what this post is about. The things I love right now.

1. C is always there for me, keeps me from losing my mind. Bakes about 150 chocolate chip cookies so I can eat a bunch before the shower. Basically everything he does for me.

2. My mom is just wonderful, so supportive and so excited to be a grandma.

3. My dad, surprising me with his reaction. While it took him a while to warm up to it, he now says "Don't break your neck but kiss my grandson goodnight for me" before we hang up the phone. He rubs my tummy, talks and sings to his grandbaby.

4. The way the 2 year old I take care of thinks she has to pull my shirt up everytime she wants to talk to the baby. Haha and I will never tire of her waving at my tummy and saying "Hi baby"

5. My bosses. They are the kindest people in the world. They're giving me a crib. An entire whole actual crib for the baby, this is insane to me. And my christmas present is a baby sling. She wants me to go pick one out..

6. The way my cheques each week have hearts and smiley faces on them that say "We love you and appreciate you sooo much!!" in the notes part..

7. Freddie Mercury. Yes my first true love. I will always love you. No matter what's happening, when I am down, when I am happy, when I am feeling anything at all there is always Queen. You have been with me my whole life, all my ups and downs.

8. How beautiful I feel being pregnant. I have never felt so empowered as a woman. I feel a sense of something wonderful. Whether baby makes it or not I have created life, I have felt this little person moving around in me. That is something amazing.

9. The amazing fact that everyone loves to shop for babies. There are people I have never met (who have worked with C at some point, etc) who are buying stuff for the baby..

10. This community. Although I wish there was no reason for it to exist, it does and it's important. I have no idea what I would have done without everyone here. To read your blogs, and know that I wasn't alone in losing a pregnancy. And though I seriously hope that this one makes it out unscathed, I'm invested now in each and every one of your lives. I worry about you guys, I talk about you, I "pray" for your babies.. (I use the term pray loosely here since I'm not christian.. but you know what I mean..)

And now.. I should go clean or C will faint when he gets home..

Baby Bump

I guess it's pretty undeniable now. .

Friday, October 17, 2008

Great Googly Moogly

So the other day, as I'm making my oh so healthy snack for the day of a peanut butter sandwich, I suddenly have gut crippling lower abdominal cramping. I keel over basically into C's arms as he fortunately heard my whimpers and came to my rescue. He walks me carefully to the couch and I sit for a while. The pain is horrible, the tangible sense of panic and fear we both feel is worse. I spent the rest of that day worrying about why he wasn't kicking and when he did finally kick I worried it wasn't as strong a movement as it should have been. So on and so forth. It never ends does it? The worry? I was ready to call the nurse the second the pain returned, but it didn't fortunately. As the day progressed I realized that the day before, I had consumed unhealthy amounts of real whipped cream which as a lactose intolerant person may not have been such a good idea. Lately dairy hasn't been treating me so harshly which is why I hadn't thought of it earlier, but I'm now certain it was just my body rejecting the lactose. It hasn't happened again, and the baby is kicking stronger than ever.

So this morning I get a call from my clinic saying that my appointment for this coming monday, the 20th needs to be rescheduled.. Uhm ok? Can I come in today instead? No (of course not.) I have no idea what's happened but the earliest I can get in is Oct 30th.. ten days after the appointment I had.. Which sucks because a.) it's not like I had been looking forward to it all month and had a list of questions written down in my purse to ask her.. of course not.. and b.) after I got off the phone I realized that Oct 30th is a thursday, all my appointments have been on mondays, and there's a reason for it. I work thursdays. Monday is my day off. So there is no way I will be able to make it to the appointment and I have to call and reschedule and it will probably be even further off than before..

I seriously wonder what is going on that my nurse is gone for that long.. Perhaps a loved one died.. I hate to think it, something really bad must have happened. Anyway she is a really nice person and I hope she is okay.. In the meantime I am just going to have to suck it up. My appointment with the obgyn is Nov 7th. bleh. I don't think I'm looking forward to it, I hope she turns out to be as wonderful as everyone says.

And to everyone who participated in the stillbirth awareness, I think you did a wonderful thing, and I would like to thank antigone for bringing it to our attention. Even though I'm in Canada it's absolutely worth talking about.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.Action Steps:
Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.
GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word
Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.
Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."

Monday, October 6, 2008

and you take me the way I am

So I'm officially huge. People who I assumed knew I was pregnant before have come up to me within the last week and said "Oh congratulations, I didn't even notice when I saw you last week" and people from my Baby & Me class have asked "How far along are you now? You're finally really starting to show" And all Friday my daddy called me "fatty", but it was in a cute loving kind of way. He'd rub my tummy and chuckle and say fatty. Eh guess you had to be there.. In spanish "gordita" (meaning little fatty) is actually a term of endearment. So I'm not insulted by it. Had it been someone else, and in a different tone yeah I'd be mad.

Today was a busy busy day. Although I didn't wake up until 11:30 which is the latest I've slept in in a long long time. Technically though I did wake up at 5am to pee and have a little romp under the covers.. Anyway I finally got back the very last of my stuff from my ex, including my dining room table and chairs, my tv stand and a set of dishes. Which means never having to speak to him again. Yay. I wonder if he noticed I was pregnant... I did put on a huge sweater, but at this point it's kind of showing no matter what I wear.

After getting back all my junk, we came home and I quickly finished hemming C's little sister's pants. Then we headed out of the city to his parents place to do laundry. Which believe me going out there like once a week once every two weeks is annoying it's necessary. Not because we can't do laundry here (it's kind of costly.. but we can do it) but because C wants to visit his parents every once in a while. Which is fine by me. They might be annoying, and abusive and whatnot, but they usually behave when I am around, and I can't just tell C that he isn't allowed to see his family anymore. He loves them despite everything.

Anyway their neighbour's kid just had a baby, and they had an extra carseat so they gave it to us. Yay for free car seats. It's brand new, and it's Peg Perego. Which I hear is some sort of fancy brand. We also found out that his dad is planning on buying us the crib if we don't get it for the shower. His dad is so excited about becoming a grandfather I don't know what to think. I'm feeling very wary, hopeful that he won't try to make the same mistakes with our kid that he made with C. He has the potential to be a half decent person. I hope he decides to use that potential so I can allow him to be around the baby.

Anyhow poor C is putting away all the clothes while I sit here, and I just told him to be quiet so I could finish typing my blog.. So I better go give him some kissies..

Sunday, September 28, 2008

So Much

So much has happened in the last few weeks. I kept wanting to write in here, I'd open up the window, have no idea where to start, and close it again just as fast. I have been keeping up on everyone's blog though. I check every day pretty much for updates..

I still have no idea where to start. I've been working so much lately. And it's making me crazy. I normally have quite a few days off. Sat, sunday, monday and wednesday. Wednesday has been my day for my baby classes, where I get free milk coupons, and they feed me and I learn stuff.. But now apparently I will be working on wednesday evenings and I am more than a little pissed off.. I also on this last cheque had to pay for C's adjustments.. (I work for a chiropractor and he's been adjusting C.. ugh) so that was 100 dollars off my cheque which I actually needed to pay rent. Lovely. So that also made me quite angry. Not to mention I am nearing the third trimester and am noticing that absolutely everything it seems makes me very very very cranky.

Anyway I have been working everyday of the week now except Sunday. Today is my one day off. I'm just feeling tired, and like I need the money yeah, grateful for that sure, but I work these stupid split shifts and I have like 4 hours in between the two shifts some days and it's just ridiculous. I work all the way across the city so sometimes C will come and get me for lunch, but he always has to work at 1:30pm and sometimes I'm not back to work until 4. So he drops me off near my work and I sit around in a field or whatever until I have to go back. It kind of sucks. I mean it wasn't so bad in the summer when it was nice and warm out, but the days are getting colder. And I don't think hanging out in a field for 2 and a half hours will be such a good idea during a Manitoba winter.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was a normal 6-8 hour day with a short lunch break in between or hell I don't even need a lunch break, I'll bring a sandwich and eat when she takes a nap or while she's having her lunch. I don't care. At least then I could to work, and then go home at the end of the day and just be at home and not have to go back in 2-4 hours for another 3 hours and then go home again. Also I was getting my bus tickets for free on Wednesdays from my baby & me program and now that I have to work wednesdays I don't get to go get bus tickets.. UGH. Pain in the ass really.

Oh and did I mention I have been super paranoid this whole time and it is driving me up the wall. I've broken down I don't know how many times now, because the baby hasn't moved enough in one hour, or because I am cranky and I get so worried that the baby is going to know I am pissed off and he is going to be pissed off and whatnot because the epinephrine travel through my blood stream to him. Absolutely crazy.

I went to my last prenatal appointment, funny story actually.. not.. It was Monday morning, usually around the end of the month I have my prenatal. So I couldn't find the paper that says what time/date my appt is. So I call the clinic. And she says "actually it's today, in fact right now.. 10 o clock" well fack, it's 9:55. So we drive down there, the 20 mins it takes to get there, and they say have a seat Donna will be out to see you in a minute..

Wait a second who the hell is Donna?? My nurse is Jane thank you very much. So I see this Donna chick and she is like "uhh you've been seeing Jane your file says.. Was she too busy to see you today?"

"No.. who are you again? I have no idea why they scheduled me with you.."

"Yeah you really should be seeing Jane, she's been following your whole pregnancy.."

"Yes I'm aware of that. I'm sure I booked the appointment with Jane, the receptionist must have misclicked a button or something."

UGH. So while Donna was nice and all she totally had no clue about my pregnancy, and just my luck we got back my ultrasound for this appointment, and she completely skimmed over it and didn't bother reading it. (Luckily though I was sitting right next to her and read it for myself.)
She looks at it and says "Looks like you have abnormally high amniotic fluid" And I am reading over her shoulder, and it actually says "Amniotic fluid is in the higher range of normal" So she's having trouble reading it or something, and reads it over again a few minutes later and corrects herself and says oh it's normal, but higher end of normal. Well duh. Read the damn page correctly or better yet give it to me to read.

Also she wasn't as comforting as my normal nurse. The one I usually see is awesome, she answers all my questions, takes me seriously, reminds me that my body is healthy, baby is doing awesome, etc etc. But since I didn't see her this month I am falling apart. The heartrate was much lower than normal (only 120) and this nurse said like nothing about it. Didn't reassure me that that was okay or whatever.. I'm sorry but yes I do need the reassurance.. I'm actually pretty pissed about it. And now I have to wait until the end of October to see my normal nurse again. I kind of elongated the word Jane this time when I booked the appointment, like hello want to schedule it properly this time? With the right person??

There is so much more to right but I am just not going to get into it, I need to get some sleep for tomorrow. bah.

Monday, September 8, 2008


If sleep is for the weak well I must be quite strong. It's fair to say I never got much sleep growing up. And still don't for the most part. Lately though I am tired, drop dead tired. Normally a good 5 hours will get me through the day no problem. I know that isn't healthy. Right now though, I climb into bed, and inexplicitly wake up a few hours later.. to pee, to blow my nose, whatever it is, something always wakes me up. I stumble back to bed trying to keep my eyes closed as much as possible hoping this will facilitate my re-entry into dreamland. Alas I lie there in bed, tired but unable to fall back asleep. Eventually I succumb to the fact that I am not going to fall back asleep until much later in the day when I have once again exhausted my body to the point where I cannot stay awake any longer. My guess is this will happen around noon.

C seems to be doing much better now, though last night he was wound up like a jack-in-the-box. Some real life friends of ours had their baby at 10:30pm, and when we got the text message he was practically through the roof. I doubt he fell asleep until sometime in the wee hours of this morning, because when I walked into the kitchen it appeared we had been ransacked by raccoons. I was of course freaking out because it looked like someone had eaten all my cookies, until I realized he had reorganized everything in the cupboards and for some reason thrown the empty cookie box on the floor.. (The garbage is literally 2 feet away I know your legs aren't broken..)

I think he is just so excited to hear that our friend is now a daddy, and that if all goes well, he too will soon have a little baby. We won't be able to see their baby for another two weeks, he's still in the ICU to get his blood sugars up, and he was born in a small town outside the city or else we'd go to see them right now.

Anyway I need some breakfast cookies.. I'm gonna go do that.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Replacement Parts

Ok, so it's been a few days since we found out little Nemo is most likely of the male variety. And I am ashamed to admit that I'm having trouble with this. On one hand I am ecstatic, a little baby boy! That's so wonderful, I love him so much already, he is part of me, and he is so lively and amazing..

But on the other hand, I spent pretty much the entire evening tonight packing away all the girl clothes we have for the baby. And it's somehow sad, like I realize I finally have to say goodbye to all those dreams, all those hopes I had for her. It's like I'm saying goodbye to Sophie all over again. It feels like maybe I wanted another girl because I didn't end up with the living baby the first time. Tonight I had to accept the fact that my baby is not going to wear that gorgeous little pink tutu or the pretty dress daddy picked out..

That he probably won't want Dora the explorer toys, or barbies or purple butterfly wallpaper or any of that. He will likely want to do something scary like play football, or set things on fire. Not that girls can't do those things.. but they usually aren't all that interested in them.. I don't know. I'm not trying to gendertype. I'm probably still going to use some of the pink onesies while we're around the house lazing about just because clothes are clothes who cares what colour it is. But I know that if anyone saw me putting him in girl's clothes they'd give me hell because he's a boy, and I'm gonna turn him gay or whatever... /sigh

I think I am just struggling with letting go of the final idea that I'd somehow have a baby girl.. Maybe another baby after this one.. Who knows.. But I think it's more about letting go of the idea of Sophie. Somehow if this baby were a girl I would feel more connected to the one I've lost. It makes no sense. I feel like a bad mommy just for thinking all this. I just needed to get it off my chest I guess..

I'm also trying to distract myself while I wait for C to get off work because I have to take him to the hospital.. He's in a lot of pain and the nurse on the phone told me to force him to go get checked out tonight.. I just don't want to think about it. I'd tell you what's wrong, but it's his issue and he doesn't even want to think about it, let alone talk about it soo.. Have to keep level headed, I'm sure he's going to be fine. I wish he could leave work early.. ugh..


K so try to ignore my hand there, but uhm anyone think that this would be worth a couple bucks? Apparently baby seamonster won't be needing a lovely purple hat that mommy crocheted the day before the ultrasound.. You can hardly tell from the pictures but it's really pretty, handmade, and in those little holes all the way around the brim I'm going to add a nice purple ribbon and tie a bow at the back, so yeah. Just wondering if you think it's worth anything since I'm hoping to sell it and use the money to buy some err blue yarn to make a less girly hat.. lol.
In other news we found the perfect meditation music for baby. It's celtic it's dreamy, relaxing, soothing, I'm in love with it. We bought a little cd player for the bedroom so we can listen to it at night when we go to sleep. I'm hoping to use it during labour too..
Anyway I still have like half a ball of purple yarn so I might make another one of those lil hats if I find that there's some interest in that one.

Friday, August 29, 2008


Okay so today is the big day. Or the first big day during this pregnancy. My first ultrasound. I've got about an hour before my appt. I'm drinking my cup of water as it says on the instructions, and I'm trying to think of something to eat besides vanilla oreos..

Also I think I've got my first taste of ligament pain. Not exactly my idea of a good time, but at least I know what it is and what purpose it serves. I will update this after the ultrasound. :)

Hmm so I have decided that I don't particularly care for ultrasounds. Don't get me wrong, I saw the baby kicking! It was awesome, his little head, and his eyes and his arms and legs, and his spine, and everything.. But damn did he have to jab that ultrasound wand into my stomach that hard and for that long? And also, hello my appointment was for 10:30 not 11:15. My bladder was full just like they wanted, so thanks for making me wait forever people and then jabbing me in the gut like that for 30 minutes. In fact I'd say my pap smear at 11 weeks was much quicker and less uncomfortable than that.

Anyway I am going to let you guess what the outcome was... ;D

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Hard to Believe

I guess it's strange that I haven't blogged about this yet, but it's only 5 days until my first U/S with baby Seamonster/Nemo. I'm excited, I'm confused, I'm scared, I'm anxious. I'm wondering if I will feel anything when I see the baby on the screen. Everytime I look at Ultrasound pics I just see blobs. None of it makes sense to me. What if I can't tell what's my baby and what's just part of my uterus/placenta/whatever? What if baby really does have two heads and a tail?? I guess if that's the case we'll just have to name her/him Charybdis.. or Hydra. But that would ruin my dream of giving birth naturally. I'm pretty sure you can't squeeze two heads out at once without a great amount of difficulty..

So baby has a very strange schedule. I've noticed I always feel baby kicking at the same times each day. I usually settle in to my laptop late at night, around 9-11 ish and I read blogs, check forums, maybe play a video game. This is always when baby starts kicking like crazy. Also I seem to feel baby move/kick only when I'm sitting or lying down. I'm not too sure if that's because I'm only 19 weeks along or what, but I realized it last night as we were watching the fireworks. I was standing up, and wondering why the noise and my increased heartrate wasn't making the baby move. I felt it kick only once last night while I was standing, and when I was sitting down I felt it kick a lot. Very strange.

It's also hard to believe just how far we've come now. I can't believe I'm halfway there. It seems crazy to think about. I still keep thinking that I am barely pregnant, but at the same time there are only 4 more months to go.. I'm still worried about stillbirth and pre-eclampsia which can happen at any point, but I made it past the miscarriage stage..

Aside from the annoying nasal problems and feeling like I have a constant cold, I feel like I'm getting off way too easily with this pregnancy. When I had Sophie I was naseaous, and there were foods I couldn't even look at without wanting to vomit. Eggs, meat of any kind pretty much, etc. I almost felt like a vegetarian, everytime I saw a piece of steak I felt sick to my stomach which is weird for me because I like steak usually. But it happened with chicken too, and every kind of meat I came across I just felt sick looking at it, even when it was fully cooked. This time around however, I haven't had any nausea except that one day that I had the stomach flu. I've had headaches, sleepiness, rhinitus, and some heartburn, but that's pretty much it..

If this baby wasn't a kicker I wouldn't believe that I'm pregnant.

C and I talked a bit the other day about our fears, concerns, etc. I asked him why he was so reluctant to read to my belly. I've asked him several times to read some french books because our Baby & Me nurses have said that they are making the connections in their brain for language already, and since we are teaching baby french and spanish when it's born I want it to get a headstart.. And despite it being our second language I can't speak it to save my life. Spanish I can do, no problema, but french no way. He has only read to the baby once, and I was telling him how disappointed it makes me feel.

He explained to me that he doesn't feel like the baby is real yet. He said that it's different because I can feel it moving inside of me, and he can't feel it yet.. I understand where he's coming from. He's scared about losing another one, and it's hard to believe that it's real and alive in there especially without seeing or feeling it. He's sad because he will never feel the baby the same way I do, and while he is super excited about being a daddy I guess it's just scary to be as worried as I am about losing this one, and at the same time at least I can feel it kicking and I know it's alive, he doesn't even have that small reassurance. I'm hoping he will feel more connected after this Friday when we see baby for the first time. Maybe he will be able to see more than just blobs..

I want to read to this baby while it's in my womb, because I know it can hear me, it kicks when I sing, and even if baby doesn't finish it's journey into this world, I will feel that I have been a good mother to it, and that I showed it all the love I had, and I will always have the memories of reading to my baby and knowing that it knows my voice. That's something.

Friday, August 22, 2008

What's In a Name?

There have a been a few posts lately in this side of the blogosphere by mamas who have lost and are now pregnant again. And the subject of names has come up. And since I almost went and did something so foolish as to make a long convulted post about how I felt on the subject manner on someone's blog comments I am here to make the post on my own blog.

I feel the need to get it out. There was a comment on one of them from someone saying that they knew their first child's name would be *such and such* not using the actual name. And when they lost their first babies, they just waited until one lived and gave it that name. I guess the idea of reincarnation comes up here, and I think that's a beautiful thing, perhaps that is what happened. Maybe the baby was trying to be born over and over again and finally it was.

But personally as much as I wish that was how I felt, it's just not. I think for some reason I want to see my babies as individual souls. That Sophie is Sophie, and my second baby will certainly not get her name because it would somehow "devalue" her in my mind. As though I am saying you are not important enough to keep this name because you didn't live. So your sibling now gets it. And I do think of them as siblings. Had Sophie lived I wouldn't have named her little sister Sophie right? Or at least most people wouldn't name their children the same thing. I think for me it's about regarding them as individuals. I worry that I would feel guilt about reusing a name, that it is hers alone to keep.

I want to stress that I have nothing against reusing the same name, and if the same baby is being reincarnated over and over well that's pretty cool, it gives you a sense of a really strong bond with the baby, because it's trying to be born so many times. But for me, I just can't see her as anything other than individual.

Then again on the other hand now that I think of it, people name their children after dead relatives all the time. So I suppose in that light, it might be an honour to give your living child their dead sister/brother's name. I think maybe I'd do it as a middle name or something if I went with that. I also love what Becky did with her boys names to give Lily a middle name.

In the end I think everyone should do what feels right for them. If you know that your baby is meant to be named something then that's the name they should have. As long as it feels right, there's no reason not to do it. And just to clear things up, I was only getting out my feelings about my babies. Not judging anyone. I can't say that I wish this baby was Sophie, because I already know it's not, but I can say that I love them both equally and that they are siblings. Who I know already love each other.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Snakes Don't Bite

I had the strangest dream just now. I dreamt there was a baby girl underwater, in the ocean. Don't ask me how she could breathe, but she seemed fine. She was playing with all these sea snakes under the water, and none of them were hurting her in the slightest. She could twist them, sit on them, poke them, anything. And they just kept on with their business as though they didn't mind.

I woke up with such a sense of peacefulness. I feel like something is trying to tell me that this baby is going to be okay. Whatever scary things there are that might cause problems are not going to affect her. Maybe this dream is right. Maybe the snakes won't bite this baby.

Everyone keeps telling me she's a boy. I don't believe them. I guess we'll see in 9 days..

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Don't Cry

"Things will get better. Don't cry." He said softly, as he brushed the strands of hair from her face.

"Why do you say that? I want to know, have you seen the future?" She spewed out between sobs. A crumpled kleenex in her hand, clutched close to her face bore the evidence of the night's crying bout.

"No, but when I look into your eyes I can see my future. We will get through this together, whatever it takes." He grasps her hands gently, and gazes lovingly into her eyes.

The tears fall heavier than before, and her body heaves with each gasp for air. In this moment he is all she can see, he is everything, and he is nothing. She wishes he would just die already, with his optimism and his placating, and at the same time she feels he is more than she deserves. She longs to feel those feelings, she yearns to believe that everything will be as wonderful as he seems to believe. She drops the soiled kleenex to the floor and pushes him away.

"How can you sit there and pretend like you understand?" She asks through clenched teeth. "You have not felt loss, you have not suffered like I have suffered." She feels like a martyr, and comes close to biting her tongue but the words roll like water through a floodgate and she finds she cannot hold them back. "You can sit there and you can pretend like the worst is over, and happiness and rainbows await us on the other side of this damned bridge but I know what comes next. Hardship, pain, grief, loneliness, darkness. I will walk alone into the night. For you cannot take this journey with me."

He recoils as if he'd been slapped. Seeing the pained look in his eyes makes her wish she could take it all back, but even if she could it wouldn't feel right.

No idea where this came from.. I sat down to write something "happy" and this flowed out onto the screen. I guess sometimes certain stories want to be written.
As an aside this is not a true story. It's based on a feeling. That feeling you get when someone just doesn't understand, and all good intentions aside you can't help but get frustrated with them.