Thursday, December 4, 2008


When I asked the resident how he was doing her response was "fabulous" and she seemed shocked that I didn't realize how fabulous he is doing. She told me he has no health problems he is what they call a "feeder & grower" he needs to learn to feed himself (suckle from nipple or bottle) and he needs to grow, and then he is out the door. That is assuming things stay the way they are (getting better every day) The desats freak me out, but the resident assures me they are completely normal for his gestation and his colour is staying pink when they happen so it's not even a big deal. She says they usually grow out of it around 34 weeks-ish which he will be on Friday.

I'm crossing my fingers he will come home in about 2 weeks. That's what the nurses think anyway. They say of course it is up to him, he has to learn to feed, and if he can do that at 36 or 37 weeks he can come home. I was very glad to have spent the entire morning with him yesterday, and very happy the resident came to talk to me. She sat down with me and answered all my questions and reassured me over and over and told me how well he is doing. And I admit I am over the moon with this optimism.

So why do I still sit around thinking "what if something goes wrong? What if I get so excited about him coming home and then he takes a turn for the worse, just because I'm assuming he'll come home" It feels like I just can't allow myself to get so excited and happy because he is still hooked up to all those monitors. I thought about it and I don't think I would be so paranoid if he were at home. It's all those ringing. beeping, panic inducing monitors. He needs them for now, and that freaks me out.

I must say yesterday when I saw him he looked bigger, more filled out. He cried when he got hungry and it wasn't just a small squeaking noise anymore, it was pretty close to a newborn's cry. I will be very excited when he stops desatting and is able to breathe on his own without the prongs. Soon we should be able to bathe him on our own. I'm slightly nervous about that. They are bundle bathing him so that he won't lose any body heat. I'm worried because they have all these steps to washing him. What if I forget one, I think it goes head, arms, tummy, legs, back, butt? But when does the peepee washing part come in? Probably before the butt, but I just can't remember.

Last night as I laid blissfully snuggled up to C, I briefly thought that maybe in a few weeks there would be a baby in between us. Yes we plan on co-sleeping. Not with him on the matress though, ours is too soft for that. We have this little baby bed thing that goes into our bed. It's got a firm bottom on it, and a sleep positioner so he won't roll onto his back, and it has sides on it (with mesh) to make sure no one rolls over onto him. It even has a night light. I would put him in the crib, but with him being preemie and sometimes forgetting to breathe I think I will feel much more at ease with him right next to me so I can hear his breathing at all times. Of course his crib is right next to the bed and as soon as mommy feels comfortable he will be sleeping there.

Yesterday they tried to pressure me into giving consent for him to get the synagis shot. I know RSV is awful and everything, but the shot has risks too. None of which were discussed with me of course. I had to go to the product's website to find them out. One of the side effects includes anaphylaxis. Which if I'm not mistaken can lead to death in a matter of minutes. I know it's rare, something like 1 in 1000. But most people who have had a stillbirth have heard that it's rare too. I actually don't care how rare it is, I mean what happens if your baby is that 1 out of 1000. Then what? I walk around for the rest of my life knowing I let them inject him with something that killed him. Whereas on the other hand if he doesn't get the shots (they have to give one every month, and each one has the same risks of side effects) and gets RSV, then I have myself to blame as well. It's lose-lose really. I want to do what is best for my baby, and I am sure some people think that means getting the shots, but I just don't know. I'm afraid to inject his fragile little body with something foreign that he could be allergic to and there's no way of finding that out except injecting him..

Alright well please don't send me hate-mail about it cause I have enough to deal with, and then I'll have to post about another controversial subject like circumcision just to make everyone forget about this topic.


Anonymous said...

GREAT NEWS I am so happy he's fabulous!!!

Never Clever said...

I am so happy to hear how great Skyler is doing. Making leaps and bounds, and before you know it, he'll be leaping out the door to go home with you!

Hang in there - just a few more weeks.

She said...

So happy for you! Fabulous sounds, well... Fabulous! :) Don't beat yourself up about the RSV. Every Mom does what they think is the right thing at the time, and that's all you can do.

Ya Chun said...

grow Skyler! And learn to eat!

Can he start getting the shot a bit later?

What I know now, after losing my baby, is that children die; at hospital, at home. It's something we can try to prevent, but that fear must be kept in check and not control us. I am sure you will feel much better when Skyler is at home, and you have YOUR eye on him.

Have you ever seen the side-sleeper, like arms-reach co sleeper. It attaches to bed - so baby has his own space and air flow but is right next to you. Maybe you can find one on craigslist in the next few weeks.

CLC said...

Yay for him! I hope he is home with you in weeks. And I am with Ya Chun, can't they postpone the shots a few weeks since he was a preemie?

Azaera said...

They want to give him the shot now while he is in the NICU. I told them I wanted him to get it when he comes home and I have time to discuss it with the pediatrician and the nurse tried to pressure me into doing it right away.

Becky said...

Personally...I would probably wait until he gets home to get the shot. But I wouldn't not get it. I know there are risks associated with it, but the thing about RSV is that in adults it's just a cold. But to a baby with already immature lungs, it can kill them. The best case scenerio is a 4-6 week hospital stay. The pediatrician told us that if Lily gets sick she'll be back in the hospital with a spinal tap. Plain and simple. So for us, it was better to take the risks of the shot than have her get sick. Besides, I always thought that I was one of 'those people' that was going to space out her vaccines because of the risks. But when she was a preemie, that all went out the window and I wanted her to be protected from anything and everything. I was terrified of her going back to the hospital and not coming home again.

As far as being worried about him coming home and having dsats...ask them now if he'll come home on a monitor. Tell them that you'd be more comfortable with it, and that it would benefit him. It will monitor his heart rate and breathing. If he brady's and it drops below 80, the alarm will sound. If it goes above 200 or something, the alarm will sound. If he has an apnea and he stops breathing for 20 seconds, the alarm will sound. It gave us tremendous peace of mind. You'll get monitor training and be trained in infant CPR. The BEST BEST BEST piece of advice I can give you regarding dsats is to look at your child...know your child...before you look at the monitor. Teach yourself to figure out what he needs before looking to see what the problem is. When you learn to follow his cues, the way his face scrunches up, the way he arches his back or he stiffens up, you will better be able to care for him. Don't worry about those other things, and focus on Skyler. He's doing wonderfully, and I'm so happy for you!

As far as the eating goes...between 34-35 weeks you'll see hourly changes! It's amazing to watch! It's like he'll go from taking one feed from the tube, and the next from a bottle and he'll get it! Like I said before, be prepared : ) I think he'll be home sooner than later!

I'll email you if I get a chance today otherwise tomorrow. I've got a lot to say!