One Step Foward Two Steps Back

Last night was pretty much hell. All day yesterday I had wanted to go see Skyler. C was at work until 2pm. I would have gone in the morning but I went the day before and the bus only goes so far and then I have to walk the rest of the way, and when I walked there to see him the other day I began bleeding heavily, which is not so good because I had stopped bleeding altogether before that. So as much as I wanted to go in the morning I decided to wait until C was home so that we could go together and maybe make his 4 o clock feeding.

When C got home we were both pretty tired. We had talked about what we were going to do that day, go visit Sky, come home take a nap, maybe if we were lucky watch a movie or do something else to try to relax. You can see where this is going. So of course his parents call and guess what they want to see the baby, but his dad doesn't get off work until 4:30. So our plans just aren't going to work for them. They decide they will take us to dinner and get to see the baby. So C agrees (without asking me I might add) and then when I ask him what's going on because clearly I do possess basic hearing skills, he tells me that I can decide what we are doing that night. I stare at him dumbfounded. "How am I going to decide what we do tonight if you just made plans with your parents?" Yeah no. So we decide that we have to skip his 4 o clock feeding and take a quick nap so we aren't completely dead to the world, and go for the 7 o clock feeding. If his parents want to see him they have to do so before 8:30pm.

Ok so I am unhappy, but alright compromise whatever. So we end up at the slowest restaurant in the world, chosen by his parents. Guess what time we get out of there. 8 o clock. Ok so 7 o clock feeding missed completely, and his parents decide it is almost 8:30 therefore no time to go see the baby. Ok thanks for dinner which I really didn't want, and completely mucking up our plans. So we go to the hospital and have to wait until his 10 o clock feeding now. And I was depressed because I hadn't seen him all day and feeling like a bad mom already for not visiting, and I wanted very badly to nurse him because the sooner he learns to eat the sooner he can come home.

When we got there we found out he had been moved from the nice quiet pod to the busiest pod in the whole place. Every bed had a baby, and there were at least 4 nurses, as opposed to the two in the other pod. They informed us that since they had less babies they shut down pod 4 where he was and lumped the pod 4 babies into pod 2. Lovely, it's a whole lot more crowded and noisy and busy where he is now. When we got there I noticed his oxygen was cranked up to 35 when it is normally at about 23. I ask the nurse, she says she has no idea why. The proceeds to tell me he is the same as before. Ok so again I ask if he is desatting the same, why is his oxygen so high? And I notice his monitor is set to alarm if he strays lower than 88. Before it was set to 85 or something like that. She tells me this is because if it goes too low he will get brain damage, if it goes too high he will go blind. OK.. So why was it set "too low" before then?

So then she tells me that they are now running multiple tests to see why he isn't breathing on his own yet. Including a chest x ray they did earlier that day, which no one told me or C about. They also pricked his heel again to test his blood oxygen levels which are apparently normal. So I ask if they found any reason as to why he might not be breathing on his own yet since they ran all these tests. She says no, it could just be from his prematurity. Ok.. So then she goes on to say that his due date was probably wrong and he is probably more premature than they thought. Um excuse me? No. I tell her this isn't possible, I remember the exact date of implantation. She gives me this look like I'm an idiot. OK whatever lady, but you know what I do recall a specific lack of you and the entire medical staff when I conceived him. And I do remember the date of my exact last period before him, and the TWO days that we could possibly have concieved which were 3 days apart. So he is either 3 days older than you think he is and therefore less premature OR he is the exact gestation that I said he was. BUT what do I know I am only the woman who conceived and gave birth to him.

I didn't say that stuff to her but I thought it. Ok so she says he is likely to be staying in the NICU a lot longer than we thought since he still can't breathe on his own. Fantastic. At this point I am not really able to hold back the tears. She moves on to focus on another baby for a bit, and C and I sit there while I try to hold back the tears. It only takes me a few minutes before I decide I can't handle it anymore and I slink off to the bathroom outside the NICU. Down the hall into the antepartum ward, and I go to the closet of a visitors bathroom and just sob silently for 5-10 minutes. Eventually I try to make myself stop crying by singing the "triangle" song. (James Blunt on sesame street, it's hilarious.) I splash some water on my face and decide to go back in.

We sit there staring at the baby, the wall, the floor, whatever is around. Knowing we both have lots to say but don't feel comfortable saying it with all these people around so we sit there silently until C has to go to the bathroom. While he's gone I decide to talk to Skyler. I sing a bit, very quietly and tell him how much I love him. Then I decide to speak to him in spanish. I did while he was in the womb, and I plan on teaching it to him at home so why not. I tell him he needs to breathe well on his own before he can come home with mommy and daddy. I tell him how much we love him and that he is strong and he can do this.

C comes back, I ask the nurse if he's alright for me to try nursing. She says she isn't sure with his breathing the way it is. She says we can try for 5 minutes before his gavage feeding. We do so, she is amazed that he latches on and sucks etc. His sats are completely fine for the entire 5-10 minutes he spends at the breast, he is alert and awake and doing what he is supposed to do. She gavage feeds him while C holds him. He dsats a bit, then after the feeding he dsats a lot. I think it's mostly because he is always trying to poo while he is being fed, and with his stomach full it presses against his diaphragm affecting how much air he can get.

After she settles him back in his crib and he is dsatting like crazy she tells me it's because he tried to breastfeed. It sucked all the energy out of him and he can't get enough oxygen now. She says they are going to discuss it at rounds tomorrow. I wonder to myself if that is true then why does he dsat after every gavage feeding, especially when I am not here. He had dsatted 3 times during or after feedings that day and I had not even been present for any of them. Instead of asking about this, I attempt to swallow down the lump in my throat, grab the milk cooler and head for the door. Tears stream silently down my face until we exit the hospital where it escalates into full blown chest wracking sobs.

I am the worst mother in the world. I am trying to kill my baby with my breast. Lovely. Next thing they will tell me I am going to take a guess here: "Your milk is poison and your baby gets physically ill every time you are in the building please leave now or you will kill him just by being here."

Oh yeah awesome. I'm feeling a creeping sense of despair. I feel like it is useless for me to visit him in the hospital because I am not supposed to touch him, he dsats with handling and apparently breast feeding soo I guess I can sit and look at him through the plastic box and watch him sleep while the nurses give me dirty looks and say things like "I guess you will be leaving soon" (no lie a nurse actually said that to me once while I was sitting there watching him). Is it wrong for me to want to go to sleep until he is ready to come home? Just wake me up when he is in the car seat and coming home.

This is my december,
this is my time of the year
this is me pretending
this is all so clear

Oh and here, you need something to cheer you up after reading this so go watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2Z6tDSb6c8