Fabulous

When I asked the resident how he was doing her response was "fabulous" and she seemed shocked that I didn't realize how fabulous he is doing. She told me he has no health problems he is what they call a "feeder & grower" he needs to learn to feed himself (suckle from nipple or bottle) and he needs to grow, and then he is out the door. That is assuming things stay the way they are (getting better every day) The desats freak me out, but the resident assures me they are completely normal for his gestation and his colour is staying pink when they happen so it's not even a big deal. She says they usually grow out of it around 34 weeks-ish which he will be on Friday.

I'm crossing my fingers he will come home in about 2 weeks. That's what the nurses think anyway. They say of course it is up to him, he has to learn to feed, and if he can do that at 36 or 37 weeks he can come home. I was very glad to have spent the entire morning with him yesterday, and very happy the resident came to talk to me. She sat down with me and answered all my questions and reassured me over and over and told me how well he is doing. And I admit I am over the moon with this optimism.

So why do I still sit around thinking "what if something goes wrong? What if I get so excited about him coming home and then he takes a turn for the worse, just because I'm assuming he'll come home" It feels like I just can't allow myself to get so excited and happy because he is still hooked up to all those monitors. I thought about it and I don't think I would be so paranoid if he were at home. It's all those ringing. beeping, panic inducing monitors. He needs them for now, and that freaks me out.

I must say yesterday when I saw him he looked bigger, more filled out. He cried when he got hungry and it wasn't just a small squeaking noise anymore, it was pretty close to a newborn's cry. I will be very excited when he stops desatting and is able to breathe on his own without the prongs. Soon we should be able to bathe him on our own. I'm slightly nervous about that. They are bundle bathing him so that he won't lose any body heat. I'm worried because they have all these steps to washing him. What if I forget one, I think it goes head, arms, tummy, legs, back, butt? But when does the peepee washing part come in? Probably before the butt, but I just can't remember.

Last night as I laid blissfully snuggled up to C, I briefly thought that maybe in a few weeks there would be a baby in between us. Yes we plan on co-sleeping. Not with him on the matress though, ours is too soft for that. We have this little baby bed thing that goes into our bed. It's got a firm bottom on it, and a sleep positioner so he won't roll onto his back, and it has sides on it (with mesh) to make sure no one rolls over onto him. It even has a night light. I would put him in the crib, but with him being preemie and sometimes forgetting to breathe I think I will feel much more at ease with him right next to me so I can hear his breathing at all times. Of course his crib is right next to the bed and as soon as mommy feels comfortable he will be sleeping there.

Yesterday they tried to pressure me into giving consent for him to get the synagis shot. I know RSV is awful and everything, but the shot has risks too. None of which were discussed with me of course. I had to go to the product's website to find them out. One of the side effects includes anaphylaxis. Which if I'm not mistaken can lead to death in a matter of minutes. I know it's rare, something like 1 in 1000. But most people who have had a stillbirth have heard that it's rare too. I actually don't care how rare it is, I mean what happens if your baby is that 1 out of 1000. Then what? I walk around for the rest of my life knowing I let them inject him with something that killed him. Whereas on the other hand if he doesn't get the shots (they have to give one every month, and each one has the same risks of side effects) and gets RSV, then I have myself to blame as well. It's lose-lose really. I want to do what is best for my baby, and I am sure some people think that means getting the shots, but I just don't know. I'm afraid to inject his fragile little body with something foreign that he could be allergic to and there's no way of finding that out except injecting him..

Alright well please don't send me hate-mail about it cause I have enough to deal with, and then I'll have to post about another controversial subject like circumcision just to make everyone forget about this topic.