Sunday, August 31, 2008

Replacement Parts

Ok, so it's been a few days since we found out little Nemo is most likely of the male variety. And I am ashamed to admit that I'm having trouble with this. On one hand I am ecstatic, a little baby boy! That's so wonderful, I love him so much already, he is part of me, and he is so lively and amazing..

But on the other hand, I spent pretty much the entire evening tonight packing away all the girl clothes we have for the baby. And it's somehow sad, like I realize I finally have to say goodbye to all those dreams, all those hopes I had for her. It's like I'm saying goodbye to Sophie all over again. It feels like maybe I wanted another girl because I didn't end up with the living baby the first time. Tonight I had to accept the fact that my baby is not going to wear that gorgeous little pink tutu or the pretty dress daddy picked out..

That he probably won't want Dora the explorer toys, or barbies or purple butterfly wallpaper or any of that. He will likely want to do something scary like play football, or set things on fire. Not that girls can't do those things.. but they usually aren't all that interested in them.. I don't know. I'm not trying to gendertype. I'm probably still going to use some of the pink onesies while we're around the house lazing about just because clothes are clothes who cares what colour it is. But I know that if anyone saw me putting him in girl's clothes they'd give me hell because he's a boy, and I'm gonna turn him gay or whatever... /sigh

I think I am just struggling with letting go of the final idea that I'd somehow have a baby girl.. Maybe another baby after this one.. Who knows.. But I think it's more about letting go of the idea of Sophie. Somehow if this baby were a girl I would feel more connected to the one I've lost. It makes no sense. I feel like a bad mommy just for thinking all this. I just needed to get it off my chest I guess..

I'm also trying to distract myself while I wait for C to get off work because I have to take him to the hospital.. He's in a lot of pain and the nurse on the phone told me to force him to go get checked out tonight.. I just don't want to think about it. I'd tell you what's wrong, but it's his issue and he doesn't even want to think about it, let alone talk about it soo.. Have to keep level headed, I'm sure he's going to be fine. I wish he could leave work early.. ugh..


Amy said...

I'm thinking of you and C...please let us know how things turn out. I hope he's ok.

I think it's easy to feel guilty for all sorts of things when we're pregnant with a living baby but still mourning the one who didn't make it. (((hugs)))

CLC said...

I hope C feels better.

And I think it's normal to feel the way you are. I think I'd feel the same way.

Ya Chun said...

k about this, bit I think another girl would be hard to: to similar, mistakenly call her Serenity, all the clothes I had pictured Serenity in. Bit if macadamia turns out to be a boy, I'll be sad too, because I was mentally ready for a girl, and I will have to sort out all the girly stuff (which we didn't have too much of because I dislike pink)
I think you can leave some butterflies around the nursery...
Hope C gets his health taken care of