Sunday, August 24, 2008

Hard to Believe

I guess it's strange that I haven't blogged about this yet, but it's only 5 days until my first U/S with baby Seamonster/Nemo. I'm excited, I'm confused, I'm scared, I'm anxious. I'm wondering if I will feel anything when I see the baby on the screen. Everytime I look at Ultrasound pics I just see blobs. None of it makes sense to me. What if I can't tell what's my baby and what's just part of my uterus/placenta/whatever? What if baby really does have two heads and a tail?? I guess if that's the case we'll just have to name her/him Charybdis.. or Hydra. But that would ruin my dream of giving birth naturally. I'm pretty sure you can't squeeze two heads out at once without a great amount of difficulty..

So baby has a very strange schedule. I've noticed I always feel baby kicking at the same times each day. I usually settle in to my laptop late at night, around 9-11 ish and I read blogs, check forums, maybe play a video game. This is always when baby starts kicking like crazy. Also I seem to feel baby move/kick only when I'm sitting or lying down. I'm not too sure if that's because I'm only 19 weeks along or what, but I realized it last night as we were watching the fireworks. I was standing up, and wondering why the noise and my increased heartrate wasn't making the baby move. I felt it kick only once last night while I was standing, and when I was sitting down I felt it kick a lot. Very strange.

It's also hard to believe just how far we've come now. I can't believe I'm halfway there. It seems crazy to think about. I still keep thinking that I am barely pregnant, but at the same time there are only 4 more months to go.. I'm still worried about stillbirth and pre-eclampsia which can happen at any point, but I made it past the miscarriage stage..

Aside from the annoying nasal problems and feeling like I have a constant cold, I feel like I'm getting off way too easily with this pregnancy. When I had Sophie I was naseaous, and there were foods I couldn't even look at without wanting to vomit. Eggs, meat of any kind pretty much, etc. I almost felt like a vegetarian, everytime I saw a piece of steak I felt sick to my stomach which is weird for me because I like steak usually. But it happened with chicken too, and every kind of meat I came across I just felt sick looking at it, even when it was fully cooked. This time around however, I haven't had any nausea except that one day that I had the stomach flu. I've had headaches, sleepiness, rhinitus, and some heartburn, but that's pretty much it..

If this baby wasn't a kicker I wouldn't believe that I'm pregnant.

C and I talked a bit the other day about our fears, concerns, etc. I asked him why he was so reluctant to read to my belly. I've asked him several times to read some french books because our Baby & Me nurses have said that they are making the connections in their brain for language already, and since we are teaching baby french and spanish when it's born I want it to get a headstart.. And despite it being our second language I can't speak it to save my life. Spanish I can do, no problema, but french no way. He has only read to the baby once, and I was telling him how disappointed it makes me feel.

He explained to me that he doesn't feel like the baby is real yet. He said that it's different because I can feel it moving inside of me, and he can't feel it yet.. I understand where he's coming from. He's scared about losing another one, and it's hard to believe that it's real and alive in there especially without seeing or feeling it. He's sad because he will never feel the baby the same way I do, and while he is super excited about being a daddy I guess it's just scary to be as worried as I am about losing this one, and at the same time at least I can feel it kicking and I know it's alive, he doesn't even have that small reassurance. I'm hoping he will feel more connected after this Friday when we see baby for the first time. Maybe he will be able to see more than just blobs..

I want to read to this baby while it's in my womb, because I know it can hear me, it kicks when I sing, and even if baby doesn't finish it's journey into this world, I will feel that I have been a good mother to it, and that I showed it all the love I had, and I will always have the memories of reading to my baby and knowing that it knows my voice. That's something.


Ange said...

How exciting only a few days till you see your little Nemo (cute) My goodness I am impressed 1st U/S..jeez I need to go to U/s rehab .. I have had 4 already and am only 14 weeks. I just need a lot of reassurance I guess. Best of luck.

CLC said...

Good luck with the scan. I will be thinking of you!

Ya Chun said...

Can they show you the monitor as the feed is live? I found it easier to see things when in motion.

get your head massaged- esp over sinuses - that might help- also hot compresses. were you checked for a sinus infection (ie is your congestion a terrible green/yellow color)?

Maybe if you start reading to baby, dad will come around.

Anonymous said...

he will be able to feel the kicking within the next 14 to 21 days, it may feel so slight, but he will feel it. the baby gets big and strong VERY quick, I feel like I went from flutters and light kicking to kickboxing and soccer goal scoring in 2 weeks, its nuts. the remote bounces all over when I put it buttons down on my bare belly at night.

I have a question tho too, this is your first ultrasound? at nearly 20 weeks? they didn't do one before it at all? there is a downs test that has an ultrasound at about 12 weeks and a blood draw, maybe the ultrasound is optional or Dr.'s discretion? I would have gone mad waiting that long to see him OMG you're a saint!!