Things I Love

So tomorrow is my baby shower. My mom is very excited about being an abuela for the first time, and has put together this whole thing. It's going to be at my apartment because I have more space.. Turns out we underestimated how many people would want to come. I'm not quite sure where I am going to put everyone, but they will have a ton of cookies.. C baked like a million cookies. He's been more stressed about cleaning and baking and making everything perfect than I am. But I guess that is always true of our relationship. There is a reason I call him my little housewife. I'm so lucky to have him. I'm excited about tomorrow, and I know I am being so optimistic about everything. And at this point with all the kicking and everything, I have realized something.

I want to make it clear I miscarried my first, and I miss her immensely. But I do understand now how stillbirth is different, being at 28 weeks now.. I think if I lose this one, I will lose my mind. How can you go on after feeling those movements inside your body, knowing there is someone in there you created, gave life to, and then not knowing them once they are born.. It would be heartbreaking. No I don't believe in the "my pain is worse than yours game" but every pain is different, and it is easier for me now, to understand why some women would say that to me, as hurtful as it is to hear that your pain means nothing compared to someone who lost a full term baby. Which I don't think is true. It is a different pain. It is a pain that comes from feeling the little person moving around. Becoming attached to that little person over 8 or 9 months. Knowing they are fully formed and responding to light and sound, it's just something different altogether.

Having said that, I miss you Sophie, and I don't love you any less than your sibling. You were just as important to me. I'm sad I never got to know you as well as this little one, but I know you will always be my baby.


Anyway, enough of my rambling, onto what this post is about. The things I love right now.

1. C is always there for me, keeps me from losing my mind. Bakes about 150 chocolate chip cookies so I can eat a bunch before the shower. Basically everything he does for me.

2. My mom is just wonderful, so supportive and so excited to be a grandma.

3. My dad, surprising me with his reaction. While it took him a while to warm up to it, he now says "Don't break your neck but kiss my grandson goodnight for me" before we hang up the phone. He rubs my tummy, talks and sings to his grandbaby.

4. The way the 2 year old I take care of thinks she has to pull my shirt up everytime she wants to talk to the baby. Haha and I will never tire of her waving at my tummy and saying "Hi baby"

5. My bosses. They are the kindest people in the world. They're giving me a crib. An entire whole actual crib for the baby, this is insane to me. And my christmas present is a baby sling. She wants me to go pick one out..

6. The way my cheques each week have hearts and smiley faces on them that say "We love you and appreciate you sooo much!!" in the notes part..

7. Freddie Mercury. Yes my first true love. I will always love you. No matter what's happening, when I am down, when I am happy, when I am feeling anything at all there is always Queen. You have been with me my whole life, all my ups and downs.

8. How beautiful I feel being pregnant. I have never felt so empowered as a woman. I feel a sense of something wonderful. Whether baby makes it or not I have created life, I have felt this little person moving around in me. That is something amazing.

9. The amazing fact that everyone loves to shop for babies. There are people I have never met (who have worked with C at some point, etc) who are buying stuff for the baby..

10. This community. Although I wish there was no reason for it to exist, it does and it's important. I have no idea what I would have done without everyone here. To read your blogs, and know that I wasn't alone in losing a pregnancy. And though I seriously hope that this one makes it out unscathed, I'm invested now in each and every one of your lives. I worry about you guys, I talk about you, I "pray" for your babies.. (I use the term pray loosely here since I'm not christian.. but you know what I mean..)

And now.. I should go clean or C will faint when he gets home..