Wednesday, June 4, 2008

6 Days

Counting down to this appointment, still totally freaked out, thinking that every little thing is a sign that the baby is going to disappear in there or something. Or that maybe it's like the episode of CSI where I wanted to be pregnant so badly that my body is completely mimicking every sign of being pregnant. Though I'm not sure if you produce hCG if you aren't really prego. Is that possible? Cause my pg tests are coming up so dark now.. Maybe I am pregnant.. but how long is this going to last.. I'm hoping until this baby comes sliding out of me while I am swearing profusely and it's crying..

Hmm graphic imagery here. Kind of gross. Seriously though who knew being pregnant after a loss would make one insane with paranoia about the stupidest things like wearing pants that are too tight? Is it possible to squish the baby? Because people (my friends who've never been pregnant) keep telling me that no I won't squish it, but what do they know they never miscarried. And then my freaking out about the tiny tiny must-have-been-thimble-sized cappucino I had.. And the 5 seconds I spent walking past people who were painting a building, what if the fumes harmed the baby?? Gaaaah. What if this what if that. I'm feeling more and more insane by the minute.

Yesterday was C's birthday, we had fun. Kind of mad at the friend I talked about earlier, the one who said I should just tell my parents and who tried to reassure me that I wouldn't miscarry that it's like impossible or something. Anyway she grew up with C, and they were even room mates for a while. And yet she didn't remember yesterday that it was his birthday. We even gave her like 20 hints and she didn't catch on until I said the exact date. It was like wow clueless much. I know she is completely wrapped up in her wedding crap (which C and I are both in her wedding party) but to forget one of your best friend's birthdays. Oh and then to refuse to see us at all or come have coffee because she had to clean and organize.. Hmm lets us know where we rank in the scheme of things. You won't come see your friend on his birthday because you have cleaning to do? Okay. Whatever.

I can't wait for June 10th, I have decided that I will tell my parents then, after I know that it's alive and doesn't have two heads or whatever (unless there are two babies in there, then I hope there are 2 heads). I'm going to tell my bosses too. I just want some sort of assurance before I get their hopes up. C's mom thinks I am so tired all the time because of a lack of iron.. Actually I'm taking my prenatals everyday which have iron in them. And I have been eating a lot of cream of wheat which also has iron in it. Maybe I am tired because my body is growing a baby?? Anyone ever consider that possibility? From what I've read it's perfectly normal to be tired all the time in the first trimester.. Eh whatever..

Time seems to be going so so slowly. I just want to see this thing already. And sad part is I don't know if they are even going to do a sonogram/ultrasound on Tuesday because they just said they'd give me a physical. If I have to wait and make another appointment for a sonogram/ultrasound/whatever I will go insane. I want to see/hear this damn baby now!!! Wow I am insane already I guess. Poor kid. Your mom is cuckoo-bananas.


CLC said...

For what it's worth, I was EXHAUSTED the first trimester. I was fatigued in a way that I didn't know existed. I literally went to work, and then came home and went to bed. And as soon as I hit the second trimester, all my energy came back.

And you are not cuckoo...anxiety is normal in this world!

Mrs. Spit said...

Hooray. I totally get the anxiety. You'd like to wrap yourself up in bubble wrap.

I was exhausted. I slept and vomited for the first three and a bit months. After that, I just vomited. .. .

niobe said...

I so know the time is s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g out endlessly feeling.