Monday, April 7, 2008

Oh Yes I'm The Great Pretender

Oh man, where do I start?

I wish I had the time to blog everyday, but I've been working the most insane hours lately, like 8am to 11pm. So I haven't had much time to do anything really. And despite that, it seems I have found enough time to be a complete b*tch to everyone around me, especially C. I'm not sure why, I think it might be because I want a baby so badly, and it's just not happening. It could be because I'm nervous about things, like C leaving me, I know he won't but there's the whole "damaged goods" thing, and my last relationship was abusive, all I was thinking was when the hell am I going to escape this, and so now that I have something I want to keep I guess I am afraid it will end. I am afraid to lose it..

I've been so frustrated lately, with everyone and everything, but myself the most. Trying to park the car the other day I almost neutral dropped the damn thing and I just sat there and sobbed. Like what the hell. I wish I knew what that was about, I've even been having trouble enjoying the things I normally like. I hadn't been excited about anything in a while until well April 5. The weirdest thing, I dreamt I was pregnant. In the dream I had just found out I was pregnant, except I was living with my ex. And all I kept thinking was I have to find a way to get away and find C again. And I woke up and remembered the dream, and fell back asleep like half an hour later and the dream continued, it was weird.

Later that same day I had spotting.. and I thought oh great I guess I'm not pregnant. Thanks for the stupid misleading dream. Whatever. But there hasn't been any more blood since then, and if I had started it I would have been early.. So I'm wondering what's going on now. The freaky dream and the bleeding. It's bad because when I woke up I thought the dream was like a sign, I was hoping against hopes that I actually was. I have no idea how to feel now.

Yesterday was good, I spent some time with a girl friend, we went dress shopping and tried on a ton of dresses. For the first time I wasn't even upset with my body.. I've gone up like 3 sizes. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, and I keep thinking I got the shitty end of the deal. Last week in McNally Robinson (bookstore) I was looking through the children/baby section, and people with their children kept staring at me like I was out of place so I pushed out my stomach and started rubbing it like I was pregnant.. How sad is that. And the worst part is I thought to myself "at least this baby fat is being useful for a change". You're probably wondering why would I torture myself like that (looking at baby books) well it has to do with my job. I'm a nanny to a 17 month old baby girl. Who I love with all my heart. She is the sweetest baby ever, and everyday I spend with her just reaffirms me that I need to keep trying..


CLC said...

I often worry that my husband will leave me too. He has never blamed me and laughs when I tell him this, but I can't help feeling defective. And who wants to be with defective me?

niobe said...

Just ordinary living becomes almost unbearably difficult when you're making your way through life burdened with grief.