Saturday, November 14, 2009

Ghost Child

You know that feeling when you aren't quite awake yet and you feel something or you think something that you later on realize is quite crazy? Well every morning for the longest time, in that moment before I actually wake up and reality sets in, I keep thinking I have two children. Every time Skyler wakes me up by crying I think "Uh oh I hope he doesn't wake up the other one." And sometimes as I'm falling asleep I think that they're both sound asleep in the bedroom. Not realizing that I only have one child sleeping in the bedroom. I know it sounds crazy, or like I'm making it up, but I swear I'm not. For as long as it's been happening I've been brushing it off, but I'm starting to think more about it. Logically and while I am actually lucid I know for a fact that I only have one living child, but in those moments between waking and sleeping I know that I have two. Or at least my subconscious feels that I have two. It's actually getting to be kind of disturbing because as I'm falling asleep or waking up I find myself worrying about a child who is not even with us. Though I suppose if I am thinking of her this much, she must be with us in some form or another.

Sorry for the ramblingness of this post, it's 2am and I've just woken up and not been able to fall back asleep yet.

3 comments:

Karen said...

That makes perfect sense to me. You DO have two children. The fact that you miscarried Sofie doesn't change your feelings of love and concern.

Stacie said...

I don't think it sounds crazy at all. Sophie was very much a part of you.

Trish said...

as disturbing as it is, it seems as thought it could be comforting, too.
We lost 2 babies before Robbie. I always say I have one child, but speak openly about the two we lost.