Replacement Parts

Ok, so it's been a few days since we found out little Nemo is most likely of the male variety. And I am ashamed to admit that I'm having trouble with this. On one hand I am ecstatic, a little baby boy! That's so wonderful, I love him so much already, he is part of me, and he is so lively and amazing..

But on the other hand, I spent pretty much the entire evening tonight packing away all the girl clothes we have for the baby. And it's somehow sad, like I realize I finally have to say goodbye to all those dreams, all those hopes I had for her. It's like I'm saying goodbye to Sophie all over again. It feels like maybe I wanted another girl because I didn't end up with the living baby the first time. Tonight I had to accept the fact that my baby is not going to wear that gorgeous little pink tutu or the pretty dress daddy picked out..

That he probably won't want Dora the explorer toys, or barbies or purple butterfly wallpaper or any of that. He will likely want to do something scary like play football, or set things on fire. Not that girls can't do those things.. but they usually aren't all that interested in them.. I don't know. I'm not trying to gendertype. I'm probably still going to use some of the pink onesies while we're around the house lazing about just because clothes are clothes who cares what colour it is. But I know that if anyone saw me putting him in girl's clothes they'd give me hell because he's a boy, and I'm gonna turn him gay or whatever... /sigh

I think I am just struggling with letting go of the final idea that I'd somehow have a baby girl.. Maybe another baby after this one.. Who knows.. But I think it's more about letting go of the idea of Sophie. Somehow if this baby were a girl I would feel more connected to the one I've lost. It makes no sense. I feel like a bad mommy just for thinking all this. I just needed to get it off my chest I guess..

I'm also trying to distract myself while I wait for C to get off work because I have to take him to the hospital.. He's in a lot of pain and the nurse on the phone told me to force him to go get checked out tonight.. I just don't want to think about it. I'd tell you what's wrong, but it's his issue and he doesn't even want to think about it, let alone talk about it soo.. Have to keep level headed, I'm sure he's going to be fine. I wish he could leave work early.. ugh..

Anyone?

K so try to ignore my hand there, but uhm anyone think that this would be worth a couple bucks? Apparently baby seamonster won't be needing a lovely purple hat that mommy crocheted the day before the ultrasound.. You can hardly tell from the pictures but it's really pretty, handmade, and in those little holes all the way around the brim I'm going to add a nice purple ribbon and tie a bow at the back, so yeah. Just wondering if you think it's worth anything since I'm hoping to sell it and use the money to buy some err blue yarn to make a less girly hat.. lol.

In other news we found the perfect meditation music for baby. It's celtic it's dreamy, relaxing, soothing, I'm in love with it. We bought a little cd player for the bedroom so we can listen to it at night when we go to sleep. I'm hoping to use it during labour too..

Anyway I still have like half a ball of purple yarn so I might make another one of those lil hats if I find that there's some interest in that one.

Eep

Okay so today is the big day. Or the first big day during this pregnancy. My first ultrasound. I've got about an hour before my appt. I'm drinking my cup of water as it says on the instructions, and I'm trying to think of something to eat besides vanilla oreos..

Also I think I've got my first taste of ligament pain. Not exactly my idea of a good time, but at least I know what it is and what purpose it serves. I will update this after the ultrasound. :)

Hmm so I have decided that I don't particularly care for ultrasounds. Don't get me wrong, I saw the baby kicking! It was awesome, his little head, and his eyes and his arms and legs, and his spine, and everything.. But damn did he have to jab that ultrasound wand into my stomach that hard and for that long? And also, hello my appointment was for 10:30 not 11:15. My bladder was full just like they wanted, so thanks for making me wait forever people and then jabbing me in the gut like that for 30 minutes. In fact I'd say my pap smear at 11 weeks was much quicker and less uncomfortable than that.

Anyway I am going to let you guess what the outcome was... ;D

Hard to Believe

I guess it's strange that I haven't blogged about this yet, but it's only 5 days until my first U/S with baby Seamonster/Nemo. I'm excited, I'm confused, I'm scared, I'm anxious. I'm wondering if I will feel anything when I see the baby on the screen. Everytime I look at Ultrasound pics I just see blobs. None of it makes sense to me. What if I can't tell what's my baby and what's just part of my uterus/placenta/whatever? What if baby really does have two heads and a tail?? I guess if that's the case we'll just have to name her/him Charybdis.. or Hydra. But that would ruin my dream of giving birth naturally. I'm pretty sure you can't squeeze two heads out at once without a great amount of difficulty..

So baby has a very strange schedule. I've noticed I always feel baby kicking at the same times each day. I usually settle in to my laptop late at night, around 9-11 ish and I read blogs, check forums, maybe play a video game. This is always when baby starts kicking like crazy. Also I seem to feel baby move/kick only when I'm sitting or lying down. I'm not too sure if that's because I'm only 19 weeks along or what, but I realized it last night as we were watching the fireworks. I was standing up, and wondering why the noise and my increased heartrate wasn't making the baby move. I felt it kick only once last night while I was standing, and when I was sitting down I felt it kick a lot. Very strange.

It's also hard to believe just how far we've come now. I can't believe I'm halfway there. It seems crazy to think about. I still keep thinking that I am barely pregnant, but at the same time there are only 4 more months to go.. I'm still worried about stillbirth and pre-eclampsia which can happen at any point, but I made it past the miscarriage stage..


Aside from the annoying nasal problems and feeling like I have a constant cold, I feel like I'm getting off way too easily with this pregnancy. When I had Sophie I was naseaous, and there were foods I couldn't even look at without wanting to vomit. Eggs, meat of any kind pretty much, etc. I almost felt like a vegetarian, everytime I saw a piece of steak I felt sick to my stomach which is weird for me because I like steak usually. But it happened with chicken too, and every kind of meat I came across I just felt sick looking at it, even when it was fully cooked. This time around however, I haven't had any nausea except that one day that I had the stomach flu. I've had headaches, sleepiness, rhinitus, and some heartburn, but that's pretty much it..

If this baby wasn't a kicker I wouldn't believe that I'm pregnant.

C and I talked a bit the other day about our fears, concerns, etc. I asked him why he was so reluctant to read to my belly. I've asked him several times to read some french books because our Baby & Me nurses have said that they are making the connections in their brain for language already, and since we are teaching baby french and spanish when it's born I want it to get a headstart.. And despite it being our second language I can't speak it to save my life. Spanish I can do, no problema, but french no way. He has only read to the baby once, and I was telling him how disappointed it makes me feel.

He explained to me that he doesn't feel like the baby is real yet. He said that it's different because I can feel it moving inside of me, and he can't feel it yet.. I understand where he's coming from. He's scared about losing another one, and it's hard to believe that it's real and alive in there especially without seeing or feeling it. He's sad because he will never feel the baby the same way I do, and while he is super excited about being a daddy I guess it's just scary to be as worried as I am about losing this one, and at the same time at least I can feel it kicking and I know it's alive, he doesn't even have that small reassurance. I'm hoping he will feel more connected after this Friday when we see baby for the first time. Maybe he will be able to see more than just blobs..

I want to read to this baby while it's in my womb, because I know it can hear me, it kicks when I sing, and even if baby doesn't finish it's journey into this world, I will feel that I have been a good mother to it, and that I showed it all the love I had, and I will always have the memories of reading to my baby and knowing that it knows my voice. That's something.

What's In a Name?

There have a been a few posts lately in this side of the blogosphere by mamas who have lost and are now pregnant again. And the subject of names has come up. And since I almost went and did something so foolish as to make a long convulted post about how I felt on the subject manner on someone's blog comments I am here to make the post on my own blog.

I feel the need to get it out. There was a comment on one of them from someone saying that they knew their first child's name would be *such and such* not using the actual name. And when they lost their first babies, they just waited until one lived and gave it that name. I guess the idea of reincarnation comes up here, and I think that's a beautiful thing, perhaps that is what happened. Maybe the baby was trying to be born over and over again and finally it was.

But personally as much as I wish that was how I felt, it's just not. I think for some reason I want to see my babies as individual souls. That Sophie is Sophie, and my second baby will certainly not get her name because it would somehow "devalue" her in my mind. As though I am saying you are not important enough to keep this name because you didn't live. So your sibling now gets it. And I do think of them as siblings. Had Sophie lived I wouldn't have named her little sister Sophie right? Or at least most people wouldn't name their children the same thing. I think for me it's about regarding them as individuals. I worry that I would feel guilt about reusing a name, that it is hers alone to keep.

I want to stress that I have nothing against reusing the same name, and if the same baby is being reincarnated over and over well that's pretty cool, it gives you a sense of a really strong bond with the baby, because it's trying to be born so many times. But for me, I just can't see her as anything other than individual.

Then again on the other hand now that I think of it, people name their children after dead relatives all the time. So I suppose in that light, it might be an honour to give your living child their dead sister/brother's name. I think maybe I'd do it as a middle name or something if I went with that. I also love what Becky did with her boys names to give Lily a middle name.

In the end I think everyone should do what feels right for them. If you know that your baby is meant to be named something then that's the name they should have. As long as it feels right, there's no reason not to do it. And just to clear things up, I was only getting out my feelings about my babies. Not judging anyone. I can't say that I wish this baby was Sophie, because I already know it's not, but I can say that I love them both equally and that they are siblings. Who I know already love each other.

The Snakes Don't Bite

I had the strangest dream just now. I dreamt there was a baby girl underwater, in the ocean. Don't ask me how she could breathe, but she seemed fine. She was playing with all these sea snakes under the water, and none of them were hurting her in the slightest. She could twist them, sit on them, poke them, anything. And they just kept on with their business as though they didn't mind.

I woke up with such a sense of peacefulness. I feel like something is trying to tell me that this baby is going to be okay. Whatever scary things there are that might cause problems are not going to affect her. Maybe this dream is right. Maybe the snakes won't bite this baby.

Everyone keeps telling me she's a boy. I don't believe them. I guess we'll see in 9 days..

Don't Cry

"Things will get better. Don't cry." He said softly, as he brushed the strands of hair from her face.

"Why do you say that? I want to know, have you seen the future?" She spewed out between sobs. A crumpled kleenex in her hand, clutched close to her face bore the evidence of the night's crying bout.

"No, but when I look into your eyes I can see my future. We will get through this together, whatever it takes." He grasps her hands gently, and gazes lovingly into her eyes.

The tears fall heavier than before, and her body heaves with each gasp for air. In this moment he is all she can see, he is everything, and he is nothing. She wishes he would just die already, with his optimism and his placating, and at the same time she feels he is more than she deserves. She longs to feel those feelings, she yearns to believe that everything will be as wonderful as he seems to believe. She drops the soiled kleenex to the floor and pushes him away.

"How can you sit there and pretend like you understand?" She asks through clenched teeth. "You have not felt loss, you have not suffered like I have suffered." She feels like a martyr, and comes close to biting her tongue but the words roll like water through a floodgate and she finds she cannot hold them back. "You can sit there and you can pretend like the worst is over, and happiness and rainbows await us on the other side of this damned bridge but I know what comes next. Hardship, pain, grief, loneliness, darkness. I will walk alone into the night. For you cannot take this journey with me."

He recoils as if he'd been slapped. Seeing the pained look in his eyes makes her wish she could take it all back, but even if she could it wouldn't feel right.



No idea where this came from.. I sat down to write something "happy" and this flowed out onto the screen. I guess sometimes certain stories want to be written.
As an aside this is not a true story. It's based on a feeling. That feeling you get when someone just doesn't understand, and all good intentions aside you can't help but get frustrated with them.

Road Kill or Petting Zoo

I'm still alive. Good stuff. Although if the drivers in "friendly" manitoba had anything to say about it I'm sure I wouldn't be. What is with people looking me right in the eye as I'm crossing the street, and then speeding up directly at me so that I have to leap out of the way?? Is this like grand theft auto? Do you get more points for scaring the crap out of the pregnant lady? This last guy that tried to hit me as I was crossing had kids in his car! I can see that conversation playing out..

"Daddy what was that thump!?"

"Oh nothing honey, just go back to eating your human flesh sandwich."

"But daddy did we just hit someone??"

"Of course not sweetie, pregnant women aren't actually people. They're breeding pods."

I don't know, that's all I could come up with to explain someone being that sick in the head. He seriously saw me crossing the street, and sped up and was about an inch away from hitting me. I had to leap out of the way. And I'm definitely showing. I have a nice big round belly. Which is another new thing. Apparently upon the arrival of the baby bump, comes your obvious permission for everyone to touch your stomach. Whether they know you or not.

We went to a party the other night, it was all C's family pretty much, and their friends. Some of whom I didn't know, some of whom he didn't either. Anyway this one girl comes up to me says 'I've never touched a baby belly before" puts her hand on my stomach and then walks away. Ok.. did I miss something here? C's sisters and our old room mates as well were feeling me up and down like I was some sort of fuzzy baby animal. I guess they were confused because we were on a farm with a petting zoo. After about 15 minutes of being petted and having people fight over who was going to pet me next I finally found a way to sneak off to another area.

I admit they weren't hurting me. But I must say it is strange to have everyone all of a sudden in my bubble rubbing my belly. I feel a little like a freak show. It makes me wonder if animals ever get annoyed when people are constantly petting them. Maybe if they were rubbing my back or something it wouldn't be so annoying. I wouldn't mind a free massage. But this belly groping thing is just weird.

So we got a new dresser for the baby. It's huge. it was a gift from C's parents. It's very wide, and at a good height for a change table, so we set it up opposite our bed, and centered the change pad underneath Sophie's flowers. It looks perfect there, it kind of brings everything together. I know Sophie would want to be there watching over all of us. I wish she could be in my arms though.. As I explain to her that she is going to have a younger sibling.. But I know that had she lived, this baby never would have been conceived.. It's one or the other..

I'd Like to Trade

Is there some sort of exchange program going on? Where do I hand in this nasal/breathing thing and get a new symptom. I think I'm done with this one, I'd like vomiting my brains out instead.

So it's progressed into a full blown asthma attack today. I'm not sure what it's from, if it's just from my sinuses (doubtful) or more the result of a myriad of triggers such as dust, pet dander, and cigarette smoke that I was exposed to yesterday. I haven't had an asthma attack in about 4 or 5 years. Which means I haven't bothered to get any ventolin. Which I'm not sure if I should be taking that while pregnant anyway. So the point is moot I guess.

So right now lets see, I cannot breathe through my nose, I cannot smell, cannot taste, headache, ears are plugged, and uncontrollable wheezing and coughing and hacking up phlegm. Right now I can handle it, and I am hoping it will go away, but if it doesn't I will go to the ER. Obviously. Ugh, and after a day like yesterday... Chuck was right I shouldn't have said things can't get any worse.

By the way I should have mentioned in my last post that I have been using a neti pot. It doesn't seem to do much for me. It goes in the one side and my head is tilted down and to the side as much as possible and it just seems to hit a brick wall of snot in the middle and pour down my throat or into my ear. Sometimes it'll go all the way through and then one of my sinuses will be clear for maybe an hour tops. The other one is always stuffed. I can never have both clear at once.

Seriously who do I see to trade this in. I like vomiting. In fact I projectile vomited in my bosses bathroom once. Right now it sounds a lot easier than this whole breathing thing.. :( (yeah I know some of you are probably ready to club me to death for that one. I apologize I'm not getting much oxygen to my brain at the moment)

One Of Those Days

They seem to be getting frequent. Far too frequent if you ask me.

Ok, so I skipped out on the wonderful symptom of morning sickness. Lucky me. Really. Which as many books have assured me this is a bad thing, morning sickness purges the toxins out of our bodies, and keeps baby safe and healthy. And being nauseated by the way certain foods smell keeps us from eating things we shouldn't eat while pregnant. Apparently. Well my body must be trying to sabotage me big time. And the universe is getting me back for not suffering with all the puking. I have sinusitis. Sounds lovely huh. This is not just some run of the mill sniffles and sneezing. This is I wake up at 5am every morning not just to pee any more, but to sneeze until my brains are in the kleenex, which I have completely run out of by the way and am now using and reusing toilet paper which seems to disintigrate when you look at.

On top of lovely symptom number one come the rest of them including, pounding nonstop headahche, the inability to breathe AT ALL. I kid you not, blowing my nose no matter how many times and no matter how hard, will not allow me to breathe for even a blessed second. All I get is popped ear drums, I guess I am blowing too hard, but it is all I can do because the stuff at the bottom is runny and trying to slide down my face, but the rest of it has built a lovely barricade that no amount of blowing can get through. So I cannot breathe, which means I cannot sleep, which is lovely, I assure you. I spend most of the night trying to fall asleep and making horribly annoying sounds as I try to blow air through what used to be my sinus cavities and is now just a wall of mucous. I cannot stand breathing through my mouth although this is exactly what happens pretty much every night, which leads to the next lovely symptoms cotton mouth and sore throat respectively. I am chugging as much water as my bladder can handle which is next to nothing, I practically have to drink my water while I am on the toilet, and I continue to have to go about an hour after I have stopped peeing and drinking. And somehow it seems to be doing nothing to help this dry mouth/throat combo.

Next my favourite symptoms of all, not being able to smell or taste anything, for the last 3 weeks consecutively. Nothing, not a single thing. It is driving me up the wall. And guess who keeps making it worse by pointing out all the things I cannot smell or taste. Not that he is trying to on purpose the poor dear. But how many times do I have to remind you that I cannot taste or smell anything! Not your shirt, not that chocolate bar you got me, (thanks by the way it was a sweet idea, but it's really just taunting me now and making me even crazier. ) not the lovely strawberry scented candle you got me, which thank you strawberry is my favourite. Too bad it smells like everything else: nothing..

Okay, yeah I'm done venting I guess. . C is trying to find me some natural remedies right now, like sniffing hot steam (without burning myself of course..) it helped when I took a nice shower (I kept the hot water off my body and instead sprayed it at the bottom of the tub and sniffed up the steam. Pretty much the only thing that's somewhat worked so far.

Anyway.. there is nothing I wouldn't do for this baby, and everything is worth it, even though I am frustrated beyond belief with this. It's temporary and it's worth it. Every second of congested misery. I love you little baby, we'll get through this together.

Yay! Meme!

Ok so I should start this off by once again acknowledging my wonderful amazing (probably insane to be staying with me still) C. I've been off my rocker the last few days. Like uncontrollable emotional roller coaster that I can't seem to stop or get off. I keep randomly yelling about crap that doesn't even matter anymore, and of course the crying.. Anyway Chuck (and I might as well call him that because he comments on here and his name shows up..) is on the receiving end of pretty much every freak out I have. Understandably he is getting worn out, and yet still he has been the most patient, amazing person I could ever wish to have. We fought today over something irrelevant and the only reason was because I was outside, walking for a long time, sweating, chaffing (oh gods do my thighs hurt) and being miserable and he happened to call me.. So I chewed him out for old fights and thing I just made up on the spot, and even though I could hear myself doing it and I wanted to stop it was like I couldn't do anything.

So when he picks me up from work (after he gets off work 2 hours before me and sits around by my work waiting just so he won't be late to get me..) what does he have for me but chocolate, a new scented candle, massage lotion, fancy soap, strawberry chapstick, body wash, face mask stuff, cashews and dinner! So now that dinner and bathing is done, I'm soaking my feet and writing my blog.. Baby you deserve some sort of award just for being you. :D

Ok now on with the meme that Amy tagged me for!! Yay Amy thank you :)
Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play

1. Where is your cell phone? nightstand
2. Your significant other? amazing
3. Your hair? wet
4. Your mother? caring
5. Your father? loving
6. Your favorite thing? love
7. Your dream last night? weird
8. Your favorite drink? mocktail
9. Your dream/goal? family
10. The room you're in? living
11. Your hobby? crafts
12. Your fear? loss
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
14. What you're not? normal
15. Muffins? chocolate chip
16. One of your wish list items? baby
17. Where you grew up? Manitoba
18. The last thing you did? bath
19. What are you wearing? underwear
20. Favorite Gadget? laptop
21. Your pet? Loki
22. Your computer? Alexxis
23. Your mood? relaxing
24. Missing someone? grama
25. Your car? Betsy
26. Something you are not wearing? clothes
27. Favorite Store? Michaels!
28. Like someone? Chuckie
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? today

I tag anyone reading this who wants to do a meme :) I love you all.

Common Curtesy

Thanks Mrs. Spit & CLC. I'm gulping down the tapwater again. I need to take a step down the paranoia ladder. Anyway today's post is about common curtesy. I believe it is common curtesy to slow down and in fact even to stop when you are driving through a parking lot, and someone is crossing at those painted on yellow lines in front of the store.

C and I are crossing the street to go to Zellers, and this young woman is driving towards us, and makes eye contact, kind of slows down so I think okay I'm probably safe to cross.. We start walking, she speeds up and goes around us, and another woman who is also trying to cross the street. The other woman tries to hit her car with her purse. I (being hormonal and kind of pissed off at this point,) realize that her window is rolled down and so I yell "thanks bitch" cause seriously I'm walking here, at the damned crosswalk in front of the store, and yeah those painted yellow lines mean something. And I don't understand how I can fail my driver's test because I didn't stop for long enough at a stop sign, (apparently I was supposed to hold for 3 seconds not 1 second) and yet someone who almost runs over pedestrians in a mall parking lot can get her license.. Makes me crazy.

In other news.. I was listening to the radio the other night and Sophie's song came on. The baby started kicking like crazy. Baby loves it's big sister. It made me tear up. Of course most things do now a days. I rarely stop to catch a breath anymore between the random sobbing. Oh and how come no one ever told me that around the second trimester you get super stuffed up in the sinuses and can't breathe at all ever. I swear I haven't been able to taste anything in like 2 weeks. Nor can I sleep at night because I can't breathe.

I didn't get this stuffed up with Sophie, but again I also hated eggs with Sophie and this time I've been eating eggs like every morning. I guess just like every baby is different so is every pregnancy..

Anyway so far so good. I wish I could remember what else I wanted to write about tonight.. Oh well.

Water

I'm dying of thirst, seriously I love drinking water, and I'm supposed to drink like 8 gallons a day or some ridiculous thing. But we're living in an apartment in a certain end of the city where most of the pipes are made of lead. I used to live in an apartment just down the street from here and the girl down the hall had kidney failure from drinking the water from the tap. Or so she claimed.

Anyway I was downing a lot of water last week, just gulping glass after glass of filtered tap water. (We use a brita) And I started to get heartburn and then eventually ended up on the toilet a good part of the night.. Now I don't know if it was the water, or something I ate that day, or if it's just part of being pregnant. And I am well aware that I am paranoid, but since then I haven't been able to bring myself to drink much filtered tap water.. And it's making me go crazy. I need to go buy bottled water or have our water tested or something because I don't know if it was lead, or some sort of bacteria in the water or maybe it wasn't the water at all.

Either way I am soo thirsty. I've been resorting to drinking those sports drinks, like Powerade. They're supposed to replenish your elctrolyes and whatever, so for now that will have to do.

The baby last night must have kicked me at least twelve times. I am happy baby seems to be doing so well, but everytime I think about it I think about the insurmountable future. It just seems like there is still so much time left in this pregnancy for anything and everything to go wrong. Lots of the women on here have had stillbirths.. I'm terrified that even if I make it past the miscarriage stage unlike last time, that I won't make it to happy healthy living baby. That there is still that chance that I'll have a stillborn. I'm trying not to think about it, being grateful for the moment, for the fact that I am pregnant, whether it ends well or not. I guess this time together is better than nothing right, and I made it further than last time. I really hope this one lives..