Nice While It Lasted

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Anyway he's back on the prongs. And one of his nurses the other night tried to convince me I'm an idiot who can't tell time. When clearly she is the one with the mental retardation. I told his overnight nurse at 5am that I would be back at 6pm. Told his day nurse at noon the same day "I will be back at 6pm to breastfeed him." Both nurses had said they'd pass it along for me.

So I get off work, we get there for 6pm as I had said I would. The evening nurse is there, she says "I just finished his feed & touch time" I stare at her, slightly perturbed. She looks at me and says "His feed is at 6 o clock, did you not know that?" I look at the clock on the wall right behind her head, wondering if I have suddenly lost the ability to tell time. The big hand is on the 12, the little hand is on the 6. Exactly. She says "Do I need to write down his feeding times for you?" I look at her again, completely dumbfounded. She continues asking if I know what time his feeding is at, and tells me again that it is at 6 o clock..

I stand there wondering to myself if his feeding time is 6 o clock then why is she done feeding him? Does she know what time his feeding is at?? I tell her that I told both his nurses earlier today that I would be in at six. She says "Oh well if I knew that I would have waited, no one told me." Okay so I am cranky now, after being told by the doctor earlier today that I'm not keeping up my milk supply enough to keep up with him, and now having a nurse treat me like I'm retarded because she screwed up and fed him early. So I deposit the container of milk on the table by his bed and say alright then I guess we can go since there's nothing else for us to do here but watch him sleep. We leave, and then call them to say we will be back for his 9 o clock feed and to please NOT feed him before we get there.

We go back for 8:30 just in case she is on her own little timezone where everything is half an hour ahead. While we're waiting to pick him up we look over at his chart where it says on the very top in legible writing that "Mom will be in to breastfeed at 18:00" This note was made at 5am when I told the first nurse I'd be back. So Ms. Can't Tell Time either knew I would be back at 6 and didn't care or she wasn't reading his chart. We also read further in the chart where it was noted that she fed him early to take her break. Ok thanks. I totally understand having to feed a baby early because you have two babies that need to be fed at the same time, or having to feed him early because you absolutely cannot take your break at any other time. BUT I don't understand her making ME feel like I am the one at fault. Her people skills leave something to be desired.

Really is it so hard to say "I'm sorry I had to feed him early because -insert excuse here-."? That I could have handled, that would be just fine, it's happened before where I missed feedings and different nurses were on shift and explained what happened and apologized, I always say oh no problem don't worry about it. So it's not like I'm unreasonable or I puff up like a demon and start snorting through my fangs. All I want is a simple explanation as to why you couldn't read his chart to find out I was coming and wait for me to get there. (Which I wasn't even late. Though she almost had me convinced that I was.) Legitimate reason for not waiting that's fine. But don't ask me if I know when my son's feeding times are. I do know when they are which is why I told the nurses I'd be in for that exact time, and also why I was there for that exact time.

So he will be there until sometime in January, he is being slow according to his nurses and doctors. He is not developing at the rate he should be. I had one nurse tell me that they try to clear out the pods before christmas and send home as many babies as possible, but mine won't be one of them. He will be staying much longer. I was like gee thanks for that one. I've watched 5 babies go home in the last couple of days. People who have been in the NICU for a few days or a week, maybe two at the most. It feels crappy being jealous of them and knowing they get to go home before we do, they get to have christmas with their babies, while I spend it running back and forth to the hospital to make sure he has enough milk.

Honestly though today I feel much better than I have in a while. My dad talked to me last night and told me I have to stop stressing about it so much, even though it is taking forever, it's inevitable that he will come home, even if it takes forever I will have my baby. They can't keep him until he's 18. He told me that when I get upset I just have to start thinking about what I plan to do with him when he comes home. How I'm going to put him in his sling and walk around the house and sing to him and breastfeed him whenever he gets hungry not every 3 hours (or two and a half.. if the nurse can't figure out what time is what).

I started to realize today that if I just remember that he will come home eventually then I can stop focusing entirely on that goal of getting him home as soon as possible. I think I can just try to relax and let it happen when it happens. I'm still frustrated and I still want this whole NICU thing to be over with, but at least I can try to remember that it will eventually end and in the meantime I just have to deal with it a little better because he needs me.

I'm crocheting him a tiny little sweater for yule which is tomorrow. It's the first sweater I've ever made, so far it looks pretty cute. I hope it will fit over his big head. I'm going to give it to him tomorrow (we celebrate yule and christmas, yule is the winter solstice). Hopefully I can get a few pictures of him wearing it. Maybe if I have time tonight I will make a matching hat or something.