I don't know why but for some reason it is always the springtime that reminds me the most of my would-have-been-daughter. The other day I told one of my closest friends about Sophie. We don't talk about her much not to anyone. I think so C and I she is very sacred, we don't like the thought of sharing her. And with Skyler's "condition" (I hate that word..) that people will say stupid things like "Well it just wasn't meant to be, there was probably something wrong with it and it would have died anyway". It isn't hard for us to believe that people would say that kind of thing especially after C's grandmother and mother both told me that Skyler would be stillborn.
The thing is I felt alright about sharing it with my friend.. and now I am thinking about sharing this world with her. Perhaps I will let her know I have a blog.. I always thought that this is where I come to put my most darkest secrets and that if people who I knew in real life knew about it that it would complicate things. I suppose I am worried she will see me in a different light.. Perhaps not. I was slightly uncomfortable with the idea that someone would know everything that's bouncing around in my head, and know me in the flesh. But I do believe I trust her enough.
It was March last year that I bought Sophie her flowers. I don't know what it is about the spring time but it reminds me of her. I suppose springtime is when new life blooms, the world seems to come back to life. I don't know why I would think of the one who died at the time of year when everything is coming back to life. I suppose it's obvious though, death and new life go hand in hand. I went back to my first post today, and I guess I missed my blogoversary, and I noticed another thing. It was the 17th, and that day that held so much significance before, I seem to have totally forgotten. I mean January 17th this year I did pause for a moment and remember that my baby was due and that I lost a baby that day.. But each month the 17th has slipped past me completely unnoticed..
I realize I was only two or three months along when I lost her, and all I had to show for it afterwards was a small empty barely there babybump causing my mom to remark that I had gained weight. Thanks mom that's what I want to hear after miscarrying. It wasn't her fault though, she didn't know I was pregnant to begin with. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if Sophie had lived. Sometimes I wonder what stopped her from going to full term. I still think it was something I did. Maybe if I hadn't broken my arm in November and taken the morphine and whatever else they gave me.. Maybe this maybe that. I suppose the entire point is moot. She is gone, and I have a beautiful son.
I can't just let it go that easily though. I have so many mixed emotions. I wonder if her brain didn't form quite right, was her pituitary in the wrong place? Was she missing the corpus callosum? Would she have been like Skyler? Did something else go horribly wrong?
In some strange twisted way, the product of me losing her is sitting in a swing right now taking a nap. I mean if she hadn't died he never would have been born. And if I hadn't ever been pregnant with her and lost her I doubt we would have tried so hard to have another. It is because she existed however briefly that I now have my son. And I wonder too about our future children. Will I miscarry again? Will I have a stillbirth? Will I have more babies with de Morsiers? Will the next one be born so early that it doesn't make it? We have to go to a geneticist next time I get pregnant, perhaps they will have more answers for us. I don't know.
I just don't know. This spring I will get her more tulips though, and I will bring her baby brother to the flowers and let him feel them and smell them and tell him more about his sister. Sophie we love you, and we miss you.