This post over at Where's My White Picket Fence? got me thinking about things. About what is "meant to be" and grief and how we deal with loss. I'm so glad she found some consolation. It's definitely a good thing, but I realized that I don't have that. I can't have that anymore. I remember thinking the same thing when I lost my first pregnancy, that maybe Sophie was somehow damaged. It was something I used to console myself. That if she was different or "wrong" and just wouldn't have made it and it was better off that way. But then along came Skyler. And I know that now, that argument doesn't do it for me anymore.
If I say that I lost Sophie because it was meant to be and she likely had some sort of problem.. well Skyler isn't exactly normal either. His ectopic posterior pituitary/optic nerve hypoplasia likely developed during the first trimester. He just managed to make it out alive with his condition and the other one didn't. So I guess for me to say it was meant to be, she was damaged and her life would have sucked anyway kind of puts down the fact that my son lived and he too is damaged. I don't think his life will suck. It's hard to reconcile the two. I guess it used to make me feel better thinking that there was a reason for losing the first one. And who knows maybe she had some sort of problem much worse than Skyler's. Or maybe it was my body that destroyed her. I just don't know. I just have to accept that it happened, I have no reason why.