Consolation

This post over at Where's My White Picket Fence? got me thinking about things. About what is "meant to be" and grief and how we deal with loss. I'm so glad she found some consolation. It's definitely a good thing, but I realized that I don't have that. I can't have that anymore. I remember thinking the same thing when I lost my first pregnancy, that maybe Sophie was somehow damaged. It was something I used to console myself. That if she was different or "wrong" and just wouldn't have made it and it was better off that way. But then along came Skyler. And I know that now, that argument doesn't do it for me anymore.

If I say that I lost Sophie because it was meant to be and she likely had some sort of problem.. well Skyler isn't exactly normal either. His ectopic posterior pituitary/optic nerve hypoplasia likely developed during the first trimester. He just managed to make it out alive with his condition and the other one didn't. So I guess for me to say it was meant to be, she was damaged and her life would have sucked anyway kind of puts down the fact that my son lived and he too is damaged. I don't think his life will suck. It's hard to reconcile the two. I guess it used to make me feel better thinking that there was a reason for losing the first one. And who knows maybe she had some sort of problem much worse than Skyler's. Or maybe it was my body that destroyed her. I just don't know. I just have to accept that it happened, I have no reason why.

First Word!!

Skyler just woke up this morning and he's laying there in his crib smiling at the ceiling as usual when suddenly I hear as clear as day "Da da. Dadada Dada" I got up and said "can you say daddy? and he gave me a huge grin and said "dada. dada dada." I can't believe he said his first word!! I managed to get him to say it again! And have tried for the last half hour to upload the video to blogger but it will not have it. So instead I uploaded to youtube. Anyway he's super cute and at one point I swear he says "I love do" not sure what that means but it sounds adorable.
Okay, here's the link to Sky's First Word

At The Waterpark

Yesterday we met some friends at the waterpark, it was fun. Skyler didn't like standing in the water, it was a bit too cold for him I think, but I held him and stood under one of the sprayers that had a mist-like setting and he loved it. Maybe he'll enjoy taking a shower? Anyway he absolutely refused to go to bed last night. And he wasn't even cranky. But nothing I did worked, normally he takes his bath and his breast and then bed and he's out like a light. Last night, he would not have it. He refused to sleep under any circumstances. He wanted to play! After about two hours of trying to get him to sleep we finally said that's it, and put him in the exersaucer. He was one happy baby. Talking, laughing, playing. At midnight we put him to bed again. And again he wouldn't have it. So Chuck took him to the living room and put him in the swing. He slept for 9 and a half hours straight!! He didn't wake up until 9:30 this morning. I'm amazed!! I feel alive again, I slept a whole night. Anyway, without further ado, the baby you've all been waiting to see.

A Day In The Life

Saying goodbye was tough, but I was pretty good, I didn't cry at all with N. I did cry however with her mama, as we sat on the steps outside waiting for Chuckie and Skyler to come get me. To my credit her mama was crying too. They gave me a bouquet of lilies (one of my favourite flowers) and a gift certificate for an hour long massage. They told me they're going to miss me so much and everytime they come back to Winnipeg they'll call so we can visit. I gave N the hat I made her, which she put on right away (she loves the hats I make her, in fact when I walked in on friday morning she was wearing the one I had made her over a year ago that was way too small).

It was tough, but I'm sure all will be well. Chuck has decided he will probably go back to work because they need him back, and I will likely work at a daycare part time or something like that. Chuck is the night manager at his work, so I'd be working during the day and he'd be working at night, and we wouldn't have to put Skyler in a daycare which will be nice. Since it would be ironic if I was working in a daycare and had to put my son in one so that I could go to work..

I went down to wal-mart today and for the first time in about 9 months I bought myself new pants! Yay! I figured I'm going to need at least some clothes that fit me if I'm going to get a new job. I also got Skyler some more cereal since he's finished the last two boxes. He's going through it like crazy, and he's got a double chin now, so maybe he's finally putting on some weight. Of course I'm still breastfeeding too. Oh and we bought him his first dolly. It's a pink and red fairy doll with crinkly wings and rattles in the feet and a tummy that squeaks. It's bright and colourful and makes lots of sounds, it's also soft and cuddly. And yes I know he's a boy, but I don't see anything wrong with giving him a doll. If I had a girl I would certainly be buying her trucks and plastic tools along with dolls and all the other stuff.

And now, for something completely different, a day in the life of a baby!

"I have to get these reports finished, tomorrow is the deadline."

"Please, step inside my Pampers box, er my office. We have much to discuss"

"Ah finally the end of the day, time for a drink!"

Baby Model

Said goodbye to N today, there were tons of tears. Forgot the cam, so didn't get a pic of her wearing the hat I made so you have to settle for the pics I took of Skyler modelling it yesterday :P.

New Beginnings

I'm going to rewrite my resume today and get it out there I swear. Since I only have well til the end of this week before I am jobless. I'm hoping to actually take next week off. Since Skyler was born I haven't had any time off. I think it might be nice to just spend some time with my son, and not have to wake up at the crack of dawn, wake sleeping/cranky baby and run off to work. I'm excited about spending more time with him. Of course once I find a new job though, I'll be back to working full time, and he won't be able to come with me. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

On the one hand I can't wait to start working in a daycare and teaching little kids all sorts of new and exciting things, and to finish my schooling and get my ECE II cert, but on the other hand is C going to be as attentive to Skyler as I would be? I'm not so sure. I mean I love him and he's a great daddy, but I'm not sure he's going to spend as much time trying to teach him things as I do. Not that my kid has to be super smart.. I don't know. I'm just feeling confused I guess. Could also be that I went to sleep at 3 last night and woke up at 7 this morning.

I stayed up so late because I started a new project. I dug out a bunch of pink and red acrylic yarn last night and started crocheting a funky hat for N. I'm hoping it will fit her by her birthday in November which is when I imagine Toronto actually gets cool weather. Haha here it's winter by October. I wanted to give her something before she leaves to remember me by. I hope she likes it. I actually made it too big to start with and had to rip out 4 or 5 rows. It was kind of funny though, Chuck looked at it and laughed. It was too big to fit even his head. So chances were a 3 year old would drown in it. Haha. Hopefully I can finish it today and maybe add a picture. It's kind of cute, kind of funny looking. Haha, but she's 3 so I think she'll like it.

Marching On

My cold is finally coming to an end, and hopefully Skyler's will be done with soon too. I hate having to stress dose him. Especially because we started the first stress dose at 5:30pm and they have to be 12 hours apart, so can you guess who is up every morning at 5:30 to give little one his drugs? Of course I would go to the ends of the earth and back for him, it's just that when you sleep 2 hours a night and you're sick and have to work in the morning, getting up at 5:30 sucks. Especially when he decides that hey we're awake so let's play mommy!

So N's family is gone at the end of next week, and she said they may not need me on Monday & Tuesday, so essentially I have 3 days left with her. It's kind of crazy that's drawing to a close. I don't know what to do with myself. I made them a slideshow of her growing up that I'm going to give them next week before they leave. Watching it the other day made me cry. Haha I'm such a sap.

Ugh this thing with C's family has gone too far, and it's just getting worse. I'm starting to get pissed off. It's affecting C's self esteem. I wish his cousin would just grow up and stop being such a little ****. Feel free to choose any deragatory four letter word you feel like for that one. He's being very immature. I can't stand it.

As for my family well not much new going on there. My dad says my uncle is staying positive and upbeat, and that's encouraging. Doesn't really change what's happening but it's good to have a positive attitude right?

Anyway I know you all need new pics of my little man. So without further delay.

He has the cutest smile ever.
Breakfast time! He normally doesn't wear hats but I put it on for the pic cause it was so cute.

Face off with Theodore Edward Bear. (Also known as Teddy or Ted E. Hardy har har..)

Checking In

Gah I've been gone for a while. So many things going on. Skyler and I are both sick. Probably with H1N1 or what-have-you. I've been reading books like crazy, flying through novels, keeping my mind busy.

This week has been tough to far and I don't see it letting up anytime soon. Also my dad called me about a week or two ago and said his brother had a heart attack (he's only 53) and then yesterday my dad calls me again to say the same brother has a malignant tumor in his intestine. My aunt has cancer in her liver, pancreas and spleen. My dad only has one brother and one sister. That makes two out of three... My dad hasn't been to a doctor in.. well I can't remember him ever going to a doctor. Scary. And of course I'm worried because I know my aunt won't have much longer. Treatment options are dim, they can only treat one organ at a time and they're all pretty badly affected. I'm worried too now about losing my uncle. He has a young son too, he is only about 13. Sigh.

I'd write more but I feel horrible right now, my head is so stuffed up that I can't breathe or hear anything, and my throat is sore. Of course Skyler is sick as well so he woke me up every hour last night and then I had to work this morning. Oh and my boss today told me that next week is my last week as her work here found someone to replace her. They'll be leaving for Toronto in one week's time. Oh and there's this whole drama going on with C's family that I'd love to just forget about but C is in the very middle of it. I'm pretty sure his whole family is going to tear apart over it too. Which sucks, but the people involved are being less than civil and there's not much we can do.

No Photos Please

Just chillin'

Someone Who Gets It

So C decided he didn't want to go to the appointment without me and rescheduled. So I have no idea what Skyler weighs, but I'm thinking maybe I'll take him to the youville center today or wednesday and take a look for myself. Oh and Karen I should have mentioned that's exactly what I've been doing with him since she said he wasn't gaining well. But it's a battle to get him to stay on the same side, I swear he pulls away as soon as the hindmilk starts and he gets fussy. But we've been working on it, and I think *fingers crossed* that he's been getting most of it.

On the weekend we ended up hanging out with my mom, and I'll be honest it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. She actually may have listened to me last time when I told her I didn't want to hear about the break-up. We went to a bonfire celebrating Canada Day (except it was on July 4th, go figure) and it was good. Lots of food and friendly people. C and I met our first rl special needs mom. We saw another baby stroller and started chatting with the mom and she mentioned that her baby has down syndrome. So we told her Skyler's story and she told us her baby's. It felt pretty good to talk to someone who actually gets what it's like, the challenges of having a baby who's "different".

I'm really excited for the CNIB picnic in August. It's for the families with blind children. I'm hoping to meet other parents who have things in common with us. I'm sure we will find someone to talk to there.

It's just amazing how much Skyler grows each day. Last night in the bath he wouldn't stop splashing me and himself and he was unfazed by the water getting in his face. He just smacked his lips like he was trying to taste it. This morning he's in his exersaucer, jumping and bouncing around. It seems like it wasn't that long ago that he wasn't able to reach the bottom in that thing. Now he's playing with all the toys and spinning himself around like a little pro.

On Saturday I went and got Age of Empires 3. AoE was one of those games I grew up on, I've played every version. I've gotta say I'm liking this new one. It's fun because C and I can play together. We build our little civilizations, gather resources, amass giant armies and then attack!

I'm thinking I might like to take Skyler for a walk, before it starts raining as it seems to rain every day now.

Skyler Smiles

Thank you for your answers to that last post, they were most helpful to me. Last night I got my student ID for Hadley and I completed and submitted my first assignment. And Skyler is really distracting me right now. As I type this he's in his exersaucer (which he loves) and he's just staring at the bookcase like there's something there.. but not the actual books because he's facing the wrong side, so he's basically staring at the side of the bookcase very intent and with such focus that it's freaking me out. Creepy.

Anyway moving on, I really need to clean my apartment because it's such a disaster and it's starting to stress me out, but there's so much to do before I can do that. Oh well..

Last night I was exhausted so I got home from work, shovelled down some microwaved food and then went and passed out. I slept from 7pm until 11pm, it was nice but crazy. When I woke up I was pretty awake so I went on my computer, chatted on msn and did my assignment for school. Went back to bed around 2am, and of course Skyler wakes up shortly after, and every hour and a half after that. Until 5:55am when he woke up and decided that he's up for the morning (until his nap hopefully, which he will have to take with daddy before his appt with the NP)

He's supposed to go today to the NP to check his weight again and see if he's gained anything since last time.. I was supposed to be there too, but since they've changed my work schedule on me at the drop of a hat yet again I ended up having to work today so I will have to miss his appointment. I told C to call me and put it on speaker phone so I can hear what she has to say. I'm not looking forward to it honestly. If he hasn't gained much I'm guessing she's going to suggest formula supplementation. Which honestly I don't want to do. Formula is just too expensive and how is something that comes in a can, manufactured by some company (possibly with melamine or some other unknown dangerous ingredients in it) supposed to help my baby be healthy? It works for some people, some people just can't breastfeed for whatever reason and formula is the best option, but I worked so hard to get him to breast so this will feel like a major setback to me. Sigh.

In other, happier news, my baby gets cuter every day I swear!

Tact & What's Left Unsaid

The other day we went to a restaurant, and as I was sitting there with Skyler a man from a table nearby commented to his wife or possibly whoever was around that "the baby's eyes are crossing from trying to look at his soother." Now it wasn't said in a rude or ill-mannered way. And yet, here I sat debating internally, do I say yes his eyes are crossed because he is legally blind and looking at things tires out his eyes very quickly, or do I just stare at my baby and pretend like I never heard the comment? I chose the latter. I'm not sure why, probably because it's much more work to explain to someone who may or may not care about why my baby is cross-eyed. It was just a random comment made by a random stranger who I will likely never see again in my life, but I suppose it's part of something bigger in my life.

I have to start taking stock of how I want to respond to the comments, it seems like such a trivial thing, but it isn't. It affects my life, my family, and especially my son. Had the man specifically asked me about his eyes I would have been completely honest and followed the conversation through for as long as he held interest. I don't believe there is anything to hide. Yes my son is blind, he was born that way, he is a happy baby. I'm not sorry about it or for it, and neither is he. I think the hard part is making others understand that. They can't see past the "OMG THAT KID IS DIFFERENT THAN MOST OF US!! HOW HORRIBLY SAD!!" point of view. Which honestly I think is the sad thing. Why can't people open their eyes and see that we don't all have to experience the world in the exact same way?

I know I've said all this before. It's just I guess I have to internalize how to deal with the random comments. I want to say something to these people, but I don't know how or if it's worth it. It would be easy if people just talked to me directly and asked about his eyes. It's the commenting to other people thing that I don't know how to respond to. Or if the man had been rude about it I would have cut in and said something, that I know for sure. I guess if it's a harmless remark to someone else I can let it go.. I don't know. This is just as troubling to me as "Is this your first?" How do I answer that? First child yes, first pregnancy no. I usually just nod my head when they ask if he's my first because I don't know how to respond.

Oh and on that note, last weekend at the in-laws we were watching some stupid show on TLC where women give birth and didn't even know they were pregnant or something. We were discussing how not every woman has the same symptoms, and I said "Yeah I never had morning sickness with Skyler." and of course SIL says (sarcastically) "Like you did with your other kid??" Ha ha ha so funny. She doesn't know we lost our first, but it cut deep nonetheless and I had to hold back the tears. I wanted to say yes I did have morning sickness with Sophie, I couldn't even look at eggs or red meat without feeling queasy and running for the bathroom. But I didn't, I couldn't because that family is not a very compassionate one. They would make jokes or blame me and C for losing the miscarriage. So I just kept my mouth shut.

I suppose I should be fair and mention that they have been getting much better, they are trying hard to be nice and to impress us so we will bring Skyler over to visit them. I appreciate their effort. I mean they still insult each other constantly and act like jerks most of the time but it's not as bad as it has been in the past. So yay for improvements no matter how small.

Oh and Smolder got her apartment today! Yay! So excited for her.

So I'd like to leave you with a question: How do you deal with the comments that make you uneasy or the questions that you're not sure how to answer?