Click? Anyone?

Being a mom sucks. At least that's been my experience so far. I've been able to feel more like a parent to N than to my own child. So far every decision made about him has been by a doctor or nurse. The only thing I've had control over so far is what outfit to put him in. And that's only happened twice, and this last time he only wore the sleeper we brought from home for a few hours. By the time we came in the next morning he was wearing a NICU sleeper again, oh and it has blood stains on it. I'm assuming it's his blood, which doesn't make it any better, nor does the fact that we mentioned it to the nurse the day before yesterday and when we came back the next day he was still wearing it.

They're mixing my breastmilk with so much enfacare, hmf and iron that it's pretty much formula and I'm wondering why the hell I am pumping every two hours when clearly they don't think breastmilk is good enough for him. I guess I'm doing it because I want what's best for him, but as they remind me daily I'm just his mom and clearly have no idea what that is.

I can't stand that I am whining all the time. This is driving me crazy. I actually sat down to write something positive and just started spewing. The worst part is that I almost want to give up. I feel like I should just let them do whatever it is they want to do. I'm not allowed to make decisions regarding his care, or even be informed as to what they're doing with him, and it's starting to wear me down. Is there a fast forward button somewhere so I can skip past this whole hospital thing please? I'd rather be trapped in a bad Ada.m San.dler movie than here.

I'm sure I have something positive to say.. For instance I'm producing a lot of milk. Not tons, but enough to keep up with him. And the evening nurse we've had for the past few days has been great. She is a bit older, and knows that some of the nurses lack bedside manners. She even whispers "I know exactly who you're talking about" when we mention certain incidents. She agrees with us that it's very difficult and as she put it "They all have different opinions on the best way to do things and no matter which way you do it you're going to get told it's the wrong way" which is true. Some of the nurses insist you bundle the baby at all times, others say let him go without it. Some say to hold him only in the cradle hold, others say put him on your chest, some tell you to rub his back others say that's too much stimulation, and on and on. Most of them tend to micromanage every single thing we do and it's so frustrating. This nurse understands that we're going to get corrected no matter what we do. And I appreciate that she acknowledges it. So far she hasn't corrected us with anything.

Also he is taking most feeds by bottle now and we spoke to the head doctor of neonatology last night and asked if they would try him on ad lib demand, meaning he will be able to feed as much as he wants when he wants. We're not sure yet if they are going to try him on ad lib demand or ad lib minimum (where they feed him at the same times, but let him have as much as he wants). I have my fingers crossed that it goes well because it's another step closer to home.

And to leave you all with something positive here is my gorgeous baby boy: