Sometimes I want to fit in, then I think about it for a few minutes and really, no I don't. Take for instance at play group. I started taking Skyler to a play group once a week (not every week, but now and again.) I'm sitting there with these other moms (who are older than me) and they're complaining about their first baby, and how hard it was to be in labour for 20 hours and how the drugs didn't work and it was so traumatizing (it was a normal full term healthy birth aside from the anesthetic not working) and they don't think they want to have kids again because of it. All I can do is smile and nod sympathetically. I don't even have the energy to get into my story, and I don't want people to look at me and go "oh poor you, how awful". I know they can't relate to my 25 hours of premature labour, terrified that my baby is not going to make it, the two months in the NICU and the discovery that my child is "different".
The same way that I can't relate to their normal birth and healthy baby who got to go home as soon as he was born.I hate that I sometimes feel annoyed with them for complaining about it. I want to open my mouth and say "I wish I had it that easy." But really I don't. I don't want to open my mouth and say that, and I don't wish that I had it that easy. I think our life experiences make us who we are. If anything, what I went through with Skyler, what Chuck went through, what Skyler went through, as made us all stronger. It's made us able to take on the world, we're ready for just about anything that can be thrown at us in regards to his special needs. It's helped me become a stronger mommy, a stronger advocate for children with special needs, a stronger advocate for my son. It made me realize that I know best, that sometimes specialists can be wrong. That when those other moms are freaking out and depressed because they aren't sure they're doing it right, I'm holding my baby thinking I can do this, I've been through worse.
And yet again in church on Sunday I had another mommy to an almost two year old (really nice lady) chatting with me. She says "Oh I remember when she was that little," and began to reminisce about her baby being 6 months old. She stops to ask me "just how old is he again I can't remember." Oh you know.. 16 months. Sometimes I am tempted to just say yeah, he's really advanced for a 6 month old, he can furniture cruise and eat finger foods all by himself! And I hate explaining to people that he doesn't walk on his own yet. I get this question all the time when they find out he's 16 months. "Is he walking yet??" Sometimes I just get frustrated and I want to say something less than nice like "No he doesn't let go of the furniture because he can't see the floor, he can't see 3 feet ahead of him, wouldn't you be just a little bit hesitant to let go if you couldn't see?"
But alas, I smile, I nod, I say "He's furniture cruising! He's doing really well, he can't see very far, but he'll be walking on his own in no time I'm sure." I don't make them feel bad for asking, really they don't have bad intentions, but I get asked these questions so often that I'm starting to feel the need to make him a shirt explaining everything, but he's so small that I wouldn't be able to fit it all on there. I suppose it would have to say something like "My name is Skyler, I'm over a year old, I don't walk yet and I'm visually impaired, any other questions?" Of course I'm sure they'd think of some like "Why is he so small if he's over a year old?" And then there are the people who question whether or not I feed my child. Oh trust me, this kid eats more and better than I do. This morning for breakfast he had 2 bananas and 4 huge strawberries followed (an hour or so after) by a teething cookie, ten ounces of milk and a peanut butter sandwich. Dinner is usually chicken breast and vegetables. Or meat and potatoes. He eats a lot.
Wow, okay it felt good to get all that ranting off my chest. Thanks for putting up with me! Aside from other people annoying me, I'm doing great. Skyler is learning so much and is so happy, life is good. I swear he will be walking on his own soon. He stood on his own the other day for a few seconds. And I had a dream about it last night, I'm pretty sure that's a portent of things to come.
Oh last night my internet went down for a few hours, and this is the result of that:
Yay rainbow pillows! They totally brighten up your black toddler armchair. Plus it took me less than half an hour to make, and that included ironing, cutting, sewing and stuffing.