June 10th

!!! Thats when we find out if this baby has two heads, or is potentially a sea monster. Or if it has a heartbeat/is growing as it should. I'm excited and freaked out at the same time.. Apparently I have to have a physical which blows cause I hate those, and I always freak out, and it's on my lunch break from work.. so I'm hoping I won't be late to get back to work.. but oh well who cares how much physicals suck I am going to get to see if my baby is thriving inside me or not. I wonder if the heartbeat will be nice and strong by then or not.. I am so excited and worried at the same time. I'm worried that I am going to get so excited and then find out that it's dead or something and then the universe will be laughing at me again. Like I'm some sort of hilarious joke.

Gah! Wish me luck with not losing my mind or my baby! I love you all! (except anonymous, you can suck it.)

Revolving Door To The Universe

It seems in my life that when one family member is about to make an exit, (the eternal one where they don't come back, at least not as the same person) that another one is about to make an entry. I bring this up because I just found out that my nana had a stroke yesterday. We don't know how bad it is yet, they are still running tests. But I do know that she is 81 years old, and smokes and takes a lot of prescription drugs for lots of different ailments. So I'm not too sure just how long she has left on her meter.

When I was 11 my grama died of cancer, later that same year my baby cousin was born. It seemed to me (at that tender age anyway) that one leaves, and another one enters. I'm wondering if this theory will hold true again this time around. Is my nana going to pass on? And is my baby possibly going to live and be born afterwards? I don't know and time will tell I guess. For now I am hoping that I will get to go to the hospital with my dad after work to see my nana. And at least try to make my peace in case she doesn't make it. I'm not too sure what I will say since it's been about two years since I last saw her or spoke to her.

I've decided to do something therapeutic for myself. I started writing letters to my embryo. I've accepted that this baby may live, or it may die, and in either case I want it to be clear that I love it all the same, and that it is a part of me. And so I'm writing to Nemo, so that I have something to look back on when I am not pregnant, and a way to remember everything I felt about this little being growing inside me. I'm trying to write the letters with the assumption that the baby will survive. I'm going to try to keep all that mushy gushy crap over there so that this can be a place to talk more about how I feel about sophie and other things like that. So if anyone wants to read the letters to the baby the link is on the side of the page called Letters To Nemo.

And You're Here Because?

This post is in response to a flamer who commented on clc's blog. Now for anyone who doesn't know clc, she is someone I've been reading for quite a while. Someone who deserves immense amounts of respect for dealing with what she deals with, and for being so kind and compassionate despite how much she is going through. Now someone made a very unkind, very insensitive comment on her blog, and followed it up with another (that fortunately was deleted before I read it because I can just tell my blood pressure would be through the roof right now). I want to say to you anonymous (yes this person was too chicken to even use a screen name, hello you don't have to use your real name, yet you are too afraid to even make one up) that you need to re-evaluate what you are doing reading blogs like clc's.

Are you here in deadbabyland just to criticize people who have been through tragedy and make us feel guilty about greiving? Do you really consider this the way a good christian would act? And I am sorry to say that I have seen/heard far too many people who consider themselves christians acting like this. Which to be fair, this happens with people of ANY religion, class, race, age, gender, whatever. Too many people act like this. It just grates on my nerves that people would use a religion which is supposed to be something that helps you get through the dark times, as a weapon against others. Can you not see that clc is clearly hurting for very obvious reasons? And that saying she will have a baby, and that everyone will eventually have a baby because it is god's plan, is in no way going to make this pain any less significant or meaningful. she lost a child. This is not something you can just replace, like a lamp or a chair.

And another thing I'd like to point out here is that you are completely wrong. Not everyone will have a child. Some people never will. Is this god's plan? I doubt it, that's just the nature of life. It is unfair. Very unfair. Things just happen without rhyme or reason sometimes, like babies dying and infertility, and car crashes, and cancer. So is god going to magically wave a wand and make everything all better by granting everyone babies? Um doubtful. Should you go around spewing bs about how easy life is and how we should all just walk around being happy and pretending everything is completely normal, and that losing a baby is no reason to be upset? Again, I don't think so. It isn't your place to tell other people how to live their lives or what to believe. And I bet you would probably be upset if someone tried to do the same to you. I happen to be pagan but you don't see me running around telling everyone on the internet that they should go hug a tree and embrace their inner goddess. These are my beliefs, and I think it is only fair that we let others decide on their own.

Also I hope you respond to this, and I hope you say something about my religion, because that will just prove to me how narrowminded you are. And just how badly you seem to want somebody to care about what you're saying.

In the meantime, I know I am going to keep loving and missing and grieving for the baby that I lost, and I have a feeling that the others in deadbabyland will do the same. And I for one know that I am not going to censor myself, this is my blog, just like clc's blog is hers. If she wants to talk about how uncomfortable she is around pregnant women then she should talk about it. And by the way she is not in any way mean to pregnant women ever. She has been nothing but perfect to me, and I happen to be pregnant, and I honestly don't know how she does it after what she has been through.

Peace.

Wow Wrong Yet Again

So it turns out it wasn't insane random morning sickness, I had a flu or something, unless morning sickness is extremely contagious. Because C, and the baby I work with, and her mom all got it right after me. Ugh.. so.. strong little one I hope it is, because now I'm paranoid that whatever I just caught could have irrepairably damaged the embryo. Wonderful. I feel like such a fool now too.. I'm sorry universe was I being too optimistic, thinking it was morning sickness? You had to knock me down a peg, ok whatever, thanks for putting me in my place.

C and I decided last night that we're going to believe in this baby, and start acting like those innocent people who think every baby lives. I've already gotten too attached to it. And everyone keeps telling me, negative begets negative or something. Self fulfilling prophecy, if I'm sure the baby won't make it, then it probably won't make it. So I am going to try to put my blinders on. But I don't think this is going to be easy for me at all. It's hard to block out the truth, and pretend like bad things don't happen when I know for a fact that they do.. But if having a positive attitude means keeping my baby alive then I will try my best. It will probably hurt all the more if the baby doesn't make it.. but I'll do what I have to do..

I love you baby, whether you live or not. I'm your mommy and I always will be.

Vitamin B?

Thank you, I hope you're right about the strong little one thing ;) I think my prenatals are what's been keeping me from having morning sickness this entire time, because I've remembered to take them first thing in the morning everyday except that one day that I puked, and I haven't had a repeat of that since it happened, it must be the vitamin B6. It seems as long as I take them as soon as I wake up I am ok. Though I haven't quite been able to eat as much as usual, I seem to "tire out" like a few bites into a meal. It kind of sucks, but maybe I'm just not supposed to be eating so much right now or something.

I had a crazy dream last night, one where I saw an Ob and she checked everything and said my hCG levels were unusually high. I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. Is that even possible? Maybe it means I'm having twins, they run in my family, but would twins make my hCG levels high? I don't know. Time to consult dr. google. Anyway maybe the dream was telling me that it's time to schedule an appointment with a doctor soon.. Seeing as I haven't done that yet. Which I assure you I have good, if not crazy reasons for not doing it yet. I have anxiety disorder, and guess what sets me off.. Doctors. I don't know what it is, I guess I am always fearing the worst.. And especially after losing one, I'm terrified that I'll go in, and they'll get that look on their face, and then tell me the heart stopped beating or my baby has two heads or something.

The other day C's sister said something that really made me stop and think for a moment. I don't know if you've seen Finding Nemo (I'll admit I've only seen the first half, because C's other sister barged in and started a fight and ruined it and we had to stop the movie, but) I mentioned to C's sister M that we're calling it Nemo for now, and she said "That's fitting" I was like "huh?" (and she doesn't know anything about our miscarriage, so I thought the next bit was interesting) and she said "Nemo was the one who survived, all the other eggs didn't make it." I was taken aback for a moment. It seemed kind of like a sign that she would point that out to me. Neither of us had thought of that when we decided to call it Nemo, but it's true at the beginning of the movie there are a million eggs, and they all get eaten by a shark, except for Nemo. Weird..

Yesterday I had a family reunion thing with my mom's side of the family. It was pretty fun, except that I had to hold myself back from yelling out I'm pregnant. I wanted to tell the whole room, but at the same time I didn't. There were lots of sweets, which used to be my favourite thing.. I've always loved sweets and there was never anything that was too sweet, but yesterday, it seemed like everything assaulted my taste buds. My mom gave me a mini donut with icing normally one of my favourite things, I couldn't finish it for the life of me, it was just too sweet. Even the punch at the reunion was too sweet, and it was just orange juice mixed with club soda. My dad made icecream with fudge sauce after dinner and I could only have a few bites. This is getting scary! What next? Am I going to like almonds? Ew.

Well we have to go drive our room mate and her baby to look at a new place to live, we're all moving out on July first and I can't wait. C and I are going to get our own place where we can be away from his sister, and have our own life. Start our family just the two of us, + one (maybe)

I Take It Back

Why did I ever say I was worried that I didn't have morning sickness?? Man you'd think I would know Murphy's Law by now. But nooo I had to go and curse myself and look what happens. I end up somehow managing to puke 15 times in a 5 hour span. All while at work. Lovely. The first time, I barely, and I mean barely made it into the bathroom, in fact I projectile vomited onto the wall, the floor and my dress, and oh yeah about an ounce of it actually made it into the toliet. Later on as the baby's parents were leaving, we were sitting in the kitchen when it overcame me and I didn't have enough time to make it to the bathroom so what do you know, embarrassment of all embarrassments I puke my guts out right in front of both of them. Luckily there was a mixing bowl near by that they gave me to puke into. And then they worried over me for a while until I managed to convince them that it was heat stroke and I was fine..

This morning I promptly took my prenatal as soon as I woke up and had some carrots, I was still feeling a bit icky from last night, but not pukey anymore. As of about 1pm I was feeling weak and not so great, but no longer queasy, and fortunately I have made it this far in the day without puking so I am doing great. But man last night.. that was just fricken great. (NOT). Someone remind me next time before I say something stupid that I'm dooming myself.

Complain and You Shall Receive?

Blah so now I feel like I am about to puke, hardcore naseaous. Might be because I forgot to take my vitamin this morning and instead took it an hour ago, or because I also didn't eat anything this morning. Who knows all I know is the whole sensitive smelling thing seems to have kicked in, I could barely touch the food C made me for lunch and I feel like I'm about to hurl. I also have a major splitting headache. I seem to be getting those often since I got pregnant. Not the really bad ones, but minor headaches here and there. I'm also so tired I might fall asleep on my laptop trying to type this.

As you guys mentioned in the comments C kind of screwed us over. Well he didn't really mean to, he asked me if it would be alright if he told his parents. I said okay because he's really excited and I didn't think his parents would be that insensitive, I know that they have had miscarriages in their family before, and I thought I would give them the benefit of the doubt. Well I guess they thought to themselves what's the harm in telling the girls (C's sisters) who are 15, 17 and 20.. and girls.. which = gossip combined with excitement about being aunts.. = the whole town knows. So really, it wasn't that he blabbed all over town. In fact when he found out that everyone knew he was really upset, and apologized to me over and over, so before you get out the pitchforks and bales of burning hay I thought I should let you know he wasn't trying to start this rumor mill.

I thought about it and I'm actually okay with it for two reasons. 1.) I'm not actually from that town, so I know practically no one there, and they live well obviously live in that town outside of the city I live in, and therefore I will likely never talk to them and they probably have no idea what I look like even. 2.) Again even if I lose the baby, I don't know any of those people so it's not like I have to explain it to them, and we don't spend much time out there except to visit C's family. So it's likely that it doesn't matter at all. I've come to accept that it's just kind of funny that there is a whole town gossiping about me and I have no clue who any of these people are. And on the plus side if the baby actually makes it, at least I can tell the kid someday that he/she/it must be pretty popular since a whole town was talking about them before their birth.

Eeeew right now I just feel like I've been spinning around all morning, and I'm about to lose my cookies. When I was a kid spinning around for any length of time was pretty much the guaranteed way to make me upchuck. I'm trying to write more but I'm busy resisting the urge to vomit. Hopefully this is just a side effect of not taking my vitamin first thing in the morning or something. I guess this means I really am pregnant, for now.. Not that the first 3 pregnancy tests I took meant nothing.. Though I don't seem to be believing my eyes at all.

On a funnier note, today I wore a dress that I got for my (hopefully) soon expanding stomach, and it has pretty easy access to my boobies. It's like the same type of shirts that my boss wears for breast feeding the baby. So today the baby comes up to me and points to my boobs and signs for milk. I laughed and said not quite yet baby, not yet. It was cute. Man if I start puking at work this afternoon what do I say? I've got a flu? Blah. I'm sure they'll be happy for me when I tell them, but I just don't want them to get all excited for me and then have to tell them that I lost it, and they are like the most caring people in the whole world so I know they will support me and worry over me and probably give me time off work to recover.. I think I'm going to tell them when I tell my parents. Maybe after I get a sonogram or whatever and hear the baby's heartbeat. It might feel a bit more real.

But i gotta go look for a bucket now cause omg I'm gonna puke

Watching Over

Thank you all so much for your throughtful comments. You're right I think that it's due date being Sophie's deathday might mean something, that she's watching over me and this almost-baby. I realize the due date is just a guess really.. but I think it's more the symbolism of it. That that specific date would come up, I think it just has some sort of significance. And the more I think about it, the more I think it's a positive thing. And you're right when you say if I hadn't lost her I wouldn't be pregnant with this one, I hadn't even thought about it that way, which is kind of freaky.

Oh and so far so (good?) I'm scared to say it to jinx it, but no blood yet, and the lines on the test just keep getting darker. But it's still so early on. I haven't had any morning sickness and I'm starting to worry, like if I don't get it maybe the baby isn't okay. But that's ridiculous right? I shouldn't be upset that I'm not puking my guts out. I'm just worried because most people have morning sickness and I so far don't.. Although on the other hand I do have to pee every 2 minutes, so I guess that's a plus (sort of?). With Sophie I remember I didn't even know I was pregnant and thought I had a UTI because I was peeing so much. Luckily I didn't take any antibiotics.. although now that I think about it I guess it doesn't matter because she didn't make it anyway..

Wow that was depressing.. Moving on.. I also remember I couldn't eat eggs with Sophie. They just turned my stomach it was like yuck get that away from me. I haven't tried eating eggs yet, but I don't know if it will have the same effect. Everyone keeps asking me if I have that heightened sense of smell thing yet, which I don't, but I think that's because the entire time I've known about being pregnant I've had a cold, and I can't smell a thing, or taste anything. Another thing which had me worried I was going to lose the baby, but apparently a lot of pregnant women get more colds because the immune system is preoccupied with other stuff.

I'm doing my best to stay calm about everything because I read somewhere that when you stress out it sends adrenaline to the fetus/embryo/baby/thing and it will freak out too, so that's probably not so healthy for either of us. I'm trying to just let it roll and see what happens.. I keep telling myself if I lose it no big deal it wasn't meant to be, but I just know I can't believe that and I can't convince myself no matter how hard I try. I just want so much for this baby to be meant to be.

I'm apologizing to everyone out there right now who finds this hard/impossible to read. And I want you to know I totally understand and you don't have to read my blog (obviously) if it's painful for you. But thank you so much to everyone who has stuck around and the people who read this and comment. It means a lot to me.

Confusing

Thank you so much to those of you who commented and wished me the best for the (baby?) embryo thing that I am not yet comfortable enough to call a baby. I wish I could have that innocence back, you know like when you first get pregnant (assuming you don't have to do fertility treatments) and you don't think anything will happen to your baby, and the thought that it might end in a bloody mess literally never enters your mind.

Right now it is only like 4 weeks along, almost 5 and I spend most of my time disbelieving that it's real, and wondering when it's going to miscarry. I know it's only been a few days but I have already taken a second pregnancy test, worried that the line might have gotten fainter instead of darker, and I know that the HCG can stay in your system a bit longer after you miscarry so it won't necesarily give me an accurate picture anyway, but still I am in complete disbelief. (it's getting darker, the line I mean)

C got so excited when he found out that he practically told the entire world, which I can't blame him for being so excited, but I haven't even been able to tell my parents yet, because it just doesn't seem real, and I don't know when I will be able to believe it's real. May 25th is when it's heart is supposed to start beating, maybe then.. maybe not.. maybe I won't believe it until the baby is born healthy and I get to hold it in my arms. I know I am going to have to tell my parents eventually and my employers too.. If it does really get born it would be funny to show up at Easter dinner, "'by the way mom & dad, you have a grandkid" uhmm yeah might not go over so well. or you know go to work and start ballooning out with pregnancy belly "Uhm you may have noticed I'm slightly pregnant"

Still I can't imagine it lasting that long, or I start to think about them noticing my stomach and me having to explain that I was pregnant, but not anymore. Ugh enough of my whining though. I am trying to enjoy this newfound pregnant state while it lasts be it 3 months or 9..

So far I've mastered the arts of peeing every 10 minutes, and having really sore nipples. No puking yet thankfully. Been a tad queasy here and there though. And C has decided we're calling the thing in my uterus Nemo. I keep calling it an embryo because it's not even a fetus yet, I'm so not getting my hopes up.

Today on my way home I was thinking about all those teenagers who get pregnant and then take the morning after pill or have an abortion, and it made me sad. There are so many people who want babies and can't have them.. and so many other people who have babies and don't want them. Not that I think teenagers should keep the baby or whatever, I am not anti abortion (Though personally I could never go through with it) everyone has to do what's right for them, I just think the whole imbalance in the world sucks.

The other reason for this post.. I'm having such mixed feelings, and you can call me a weirdo for this one, but I'm actually worried that having the baby on Sophie's well um death day? will make it seem like she's been replaced.. or like she is less important because I might have a real live baby on the same day that I lost her. I know that's probably insane, but I'm worried about deadbaby sibling rivalry/jealousy.. or something like that. Although I guess if I look at it another way maybe Sophie is watching out for me and Nemo and maybe the due date is a good sign. I don't know how to take it. I'm so confused.

Mother's Day

So today has been a really good day. As I can tell no one actually reads this anymore, which is probably a good thing since what I have to say next might upset some people..

Today I got a faint second line on a pregnancy test. And I had spotting on the ninth, a sign of implantation.. chances are I am in a very early stage of pregnancy. Which means there is a chance I could miscarry yet again. The thought of which terrifies me.. Also the other thing could happen.. the baby could survive..

Not to mention according to my calculations.. (and by mine i mean the internet due date calculator that I googled..) This baby would be due on January 17th. The same day I lost Sophie..

Overwhelmed much? I'd say so.

No Replacement Possible

Last time I tried to write a post I couldn't for whatever reason. I think there is just always too much to say. This last week has been insane, and I think C and I found out that sometimes things do happen for a reason.



All the baby clothes and baby junk we have been steadily accumulating in a rubbermaid bin in our living room seem to have a purpose now on top of satiating some obsessive need I have to believe I have a baby still. One of our room mates friends who has a 4 month old daughter had to escape an abusive relationship and is staying with us now. We're all happy to have them both here, and of course leaving in a hurry meant she didn't have much on her for the baby, which is where my pile full of baby junk comes in.



C and I have taken the baby the last few nights to let the mom get some rest because she's pretty much been through hell over the last while and we both have some idea of where she is coming from. Let me tell you the baby has turned us both into zombies, we love her dearly and spend all night singing and rocking and changing and feeding her, but having to go to work in the morning is taking it's toll. We think it might be like a test... To say are we ready for this, to have one of our own. I think we are. Even though it has been undoubtedly hard here and there.. C made a horrible comment comparing this baby to our baby that made me feel like I failed somehow.. but he was tired and didn't realize what he was saying until after. But the reward is worth it, when the baby smiles or coos or grabs onto one of our fingers..



On the one hand I am happy and excited to have this baby in our lives to take care of and love, but on the other hand I am still somewhat jealous.. and sad to be reminded that my baby didn't make it. That I should have one of these of my own, but don't. However I think this is a good experience for everyone involved.. the baby and her mama are out of the horrible situation they were in, and everyone here is more than happy to help with babysitting, making bottles, etc. And C and I are dealing with Sophie, and with trying to have another, and well I'd like to think of this baby as practice of sorts for the two of us.