Monday, May 19, 2008

Watching Over

Thank you all so much for your throughtful comments. You're right I think that it's due date being Sophie's deathday might mean something, that she's watching over me and this almost-baby. I realize the due date is just a guess really.. but I think it's more the symbolism of it. That that specific date would come up, I think it just has some sort of significance. And the more I think about it, the more I think it's a positive thing. And you're right when you say if I hadn't lost her I wouldn't be pregnant with this one, I hadn't even thought about it that way, which is kind of freaky.

Oh and so far so (good?) I'm scared to say it to jinx it, but no blood yet, and the lines on the test just keep getting darker. But it's still so early on. I haven't had any morning sickness and I'm starting to worry, like if I don't get it maybe the baby isn't okay. But that's ridiculous right? I shouldn't be upset that I'm not puking my guts out. I'm just worried because most people have morning sickness and I so far don't.. Although on the other hand I do have to pee every 2 minutes, so I guess that's a plus (sort of?). With Sophie I remember I didn't even know I was pregnant and thought I had a UTI because I was peeing so much. Luckily I didn't take any antibiotics.. although now that I think about it I guess it doesn't matter because she didn't make it anyway..

Wow that was depressing.. Moving on.. I also remember I couldn't eat eggs with Sophie. They just turned my stomach it was like yuck get that away from me. I haven't tried eating eggs yet, but I don't know if it will have the same effect. Everyone keeps asking me if I have that heightened sense of smell thing yet, which I don't, but I think that's because the entire time I've known about being pregnant I've had a cold, and I can't smell a thing, or taste anything. Another thing which had me worried I was going to lose the baby, but apparently a lot of pregnant women get more colds because the immune system is preoccupied with other stuff.

I'm doing my best to stay calm about everything because I read somewhere that when you stress out it sends adrenaline to the fetus/embryo/baby/thing and it will freak out too, so that's probably not so healthy for either of us. I'm trying to just let it roll and see what happens.. I keep telling myself if I lose it no big deal it wasn't meant to be, but I just know I can't believe that and I can't convince myself no matter how hard I try. I just want so much for this baby to be meant to be.

I'm apologizing to everyone out there right now who finds this hard/impossible to read. And I want you to know I totally understand and you don't have to read my blog (obviously) if it's painful for you. But thank you so much to everyone who has stuck around and the people who read this and comment. It means a lot to me.


Amy said...

I can only imagine how hard it is not to be a nervous wreck, but take whatever time/space/action you need for yourself to be in the best place you can be. It's hard to feel that indomitable excitement when you've experienced the devastation of a loss. But this can be has to be!

CLC said...

Calm is good. And easier said than done. But I am glad you are trying to remain calm. Your new baby/embryo/thing deserves it!

Hopeful said...

You are in my thoughts, i just hope everything turns out great for you and the baby(embryo). You deserve it.

Anonymous said...

you're doing really well. some days it won't matter how positive you try to think and thats ok too.

I wasn't sick with my son, barely nauseous and nothing bothered my stomach. This time around about 7 weeks in I got nauseous a lot and things turn me off. But i noticed the kater in the day I took my prenatals the less ill I felt. each pregnancy is different. and some have more symptoms. It's hard to do but try not to overthink too much.
Some of us who are there and have been there totally get it and you are SO normal. fingers crossed for you.

Antigone said...

Wow - me too. My due date is Henry's birth/death date. I wish I believed in something beautiful like reincarnation.