Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Confusing

Thank you so much to those of you who commented and wished me the best for the (baby?) embryo thing that I am not yet comfortable enough to call a baby. I wish I could have that innocence back, you know like when you first get pregnant (assuming you don't have to do fertility treatments) and you don't think anything will happen to your baby, and the thought that it might end in a bloody mess literally never enters your mind.

Right now it is only like 4 weeks along, almost 5 and I spend most of my time disbelieving that it's real, and wondering when it's going to miscarry. I know it's only been a few days but I have already taken a second pregnancy test, worried that the line might have gotten fainter instead of darker, and I know that the HCG can stay in your system a bit longer after you miscarry so it won't necesarily give me an accurate picture anyway, but still I am in complete disbelief. (it's getting darker, the line I mean)

C got so excited when he found out that he practically told the entire world, which I can't blame him for being so excited, but I haven't even been able to tell my parents yet, because it just doesn't seem real, and I don't know when I will be able to believe it's real. May 25th is when it's heart is supposed to start beating, maybe then.. maybe not.. maybe I won't believe it until the baby is born healthy and I get to hold it in my arms. I know I am going to have to tell my parents eventually and my employers too.. If it does really get born it would be funny to show up at Easter dinner, "'by the way mom & dad, you have a grandkid" uhmm yeah might not go over so well. or you know go to work and start ballooning out with pregnancy belly "Uhm you may have noticed I'm slightly pregnant"

Still I can't imagine it lasting that long, or I start to think about them noticing my stomach and me having to explain that I was pregnant, but not anymore. Ugh enough of my whining though. I am trying to enjoy this newfound pregnant state while it lasts be it 3 months or 9..

So far I've mastered the arts of peeing every 10 minutes, and having really sore nipples. No puking yet thankfully. Been a tad queasy here and there though. And C has decided we're calling the thing in my uterus Nemo. I keep calling it an embryo because it's not even a fetus yet, I'm so not getting my hopes up.

Today on my way home I was thinking about all those teenagers who get pregnant and then take the morning after pill or have an abortion, and it made me sad. There are so many people who want babies and can't have them.. and so many other people who have babies and don't want them. Not that I think teenagers should keep the baby or whatever, I am not anti abortion (Though personally I could never go through with it) everyone has to do what's right for them, I just think the whole imbalance in the world sucks.

The other reason for this post.. I'm having such mixed feelings, and you can call me a weirdo for this one, but I'm actually worried that having the baby on Sophie's well um death day? will make it seem like she's been replaced.. or like she is less important because I might have a real live baby on the same day that I lost her. I know that's probably insane, but I'm worried about deadbaby sibling rivalry/jealousy.. or something like that. Although I guess if I look at it another way maybe Sophie is watching out for me and Nemo and maybe the due date is a good sign. I don't know how to take it. I'm so confused.

6 comments:

Amy said...

The fears you are having are completely normal. It's going to be hard with another on the way and thinking about Sophie.

Is there a support group you can attend for subsequent pregnancy after loss? If not, come back here all the time and we'll help you through it.

Thinking of you sending you hugs!

christyna said...

girl I can say I have been there. and I am still there kind of. I get happy and think ahead and then I think what if we go in this saturday and find out there is no heartbeat now? it's never ending. each Dr Appt helps a little bit but you still worry. I'd wait until 10 to 12 weeks to be comfortable telling close people, just in case you need support, but just talk to your Dr. Have you made an appointment yet?

As for the due date coinciding, I have a few theories. 1. Sophie is watching out for you. 2. people rarely go on their due dates and 3. without losing Sophie, as harsh as that sounds, you wouldn't be pregnant with that maybe baby right now.

I was conceived after a miscarriage and wouldn't be here if it didn't happen, same thing with the bean in my belly now. slow going, deep breaths, bad and good thoughts, I'm at 9 weeks. one hour at a time. good luck.

Becky said...

It's taking a long time for me to feel like things are really happening too. I think that it's perfectly normal, considering all we've been through. I'm 20 weeks now and have seen her, feel her, and are completely ignoring the fact that she's here sometimes. It sucks.

I also think that the baby being born on Sophie's death date is going to be ok. Someone told me yesterday that my boys are jumping for joy in heaven for us, and I can imagine that is what Sophie is doing for you. I bet if you talked to your doctor he would consider inducing you earlier, if that were the case. It seems that more often than not, it's better for the baby to come a little early than putting added stress on the mother to make it past that day. Not really early, of course, but maybe a day or two.

Amy said...

I would have a hard time believing it, too, even though the test is clear. I remember that innocent feeling you spoke of, when I just assumed everything went from double lines to diapers in about nine months. Our reality isn't the only one though, it can't be, or none of us would be here. So there's hope, even if it's a tough kind of hope.

CLC said...

That's great news that you are expecting again. I would say "C...!," but some people are uncomfortable with that after loss. I think your fears sound normal to me. I would never think that's psycho to be anxious about new baby being born on the day Sophie died. I am hoping for the best for you and crossing everything so that you have a successful pregnancy.

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