Friday, May 2, 2008

No Replacement Possible

Last time I tried to write a post I couldn't for whatever reason. I think there is just always too much to say. This last week has been insane, and I think C and I found out that sometimes things do happen for a reason.

All the baby clothes and baby junk we have been steadily accumulating in a rubbermaid bin in our living room seem to have a purpose now on top of satiating some obsessive need I have to believe I have a baby still. One of our room mates friends who has a 4 month old daughter had to escape an abusive relationship and is staying with us now. We're all happy to have them both here, and of course leaving in a hurry meant she didn't have much on her for the baby, which is where my pile full of baby junk comes in.

C and I have taken the baby the last few nights to let the mom get some rest because she's pretty much been through hell over the last while and we both have some idea of where she is coming from. Let me tell you the baby has turned us both into zombies, we love her dearly and spend all night singing and rocking and changing and feeding her, but having to go to work in the morning is taking it's toll. We think it might be like a test... To say are we ready for this, to have one of our own. I think we are. Even though it has been undoubtedly hard here and there.. C made a horrible comment comparing this baby to our baby that made me feel like I failed somehow.. but he was tired and didn't realize what he was saying until after. But the reward is worth it, when the baby smiles or coos or grabs onto one of our fingers..

On the one hand I am happy and excited to have this baby in our lives to take care of and love, but on the other hand I am still somewhat jealous.. and sad to be reminded that my baby didn't make it. That I should have one of these of my own, but don't. However I think this is a good experience for everyone involved.. the baby and her mama are out of the horrible situation they were in, and everyone here is more than happy to help with babysitting, making bottles, etc. And C and I are dealing with Sophie, and with trying to have another, and well I'd like to think of this baby as practice of sorts for the two of us.

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