Skyler My Monster

Wow, it's been a while, where did the time go?

Skyler has been keeping us on our toes. Sleeping all day being the world's easiest baby, and then as soon as nightfall hits he is the nonstop screamfest baby from a horror flick. I'm relatively sure that last sentence made no sense whatsoever, but I can't remember what sleep is like so it will have to do. He literally will scream bloody murder from sundown to sun up and then go back to being Mr. HappySleepsALot. I'm pretty sure it's been bad gas or something making him act this way. It has only been 2-3 days, but it feels like an eternity when your baby is upset and you can't sleep. If I didn't have to work I would sleep when he does during the day, but unfortunately I'm taking care of him and N.

But hey it's Friday now, so it's officially the weekend for me. I love working Monday to Thursday. This morning Sky and I have a Mommy & Me Workshop to go to with my friend S and her baby boy A. The class is called Coping With Change. I read the booklet and was suprised at how I just don't feel any of that stuff. It lists things like post partum depression and anxiety.. I'm finding I've had no problem adjusting to Skyler being here, it's like he was meant to be here all along. I don't doubt my parenting, not for a second, and I'm not anxious anymore. At least not as much as when I was pregnant with him. Now that he is here safely it feels like I can relax a little. I mean of course I am constantly weighing him and measuring him because I need physica proof that he is still growing on his own. (If he stops growing we have to call the endocrinologist for a series of tests and get him started on growth hormones.) But aside from that I'm pretty well adjusted if I do say so myself.

Yesterday Ordinary Miracle came on the radio while I was changing Sky's diaper. I posted this like forever ago, but Ordinary Miracle was Sophie's song. And as I was changing him I started singing it, and I told him "that's your sister's song" It felt strange to hear those words coming out of my mouth. Strange, but right, he does have a sister, even if she is only ethereal. And we will talk about her. I want him to know about miscarriages and stillbirth, and the ugly side of life. Wow that makes me sound like a horrible parent doesn't it? That's not how I mean to come across. I mean I want him to know that having a baby is not just something that magically happens to people and that life is not always simple and easy. Maybe it will soften the blow for him, I don't know. There is something I have not discussed on here before, because I worried it may violate my son's privacy, but it affects me too. Perhaps I will say it like this, if Sky is to be my only child then I will never have biological grandchildren.

It has to do with his hormones. He will be normal in everything else, but he is going to be completely infertile. Forever. C keeps saying he hopes our son is gay because then he's less likely to want a biological child.. It's going to be a fun thing to tell him when he is a teenager and takes health class or biology class. I'm going to be completely honest with him I have decided already. It's his body and he needs to know all about it and how it works, at least as much as we know about it anyway.

I've been reading the blog of a father of a little girl lately. He wrote a book about her called Schuyler's Monster (Schuyler is the original spelling of the name Skyler). His daughter has a rare neurological disorder that makes her mute and will likely cause seizures when she's older. I'm waiting for my library to have copies of the book in and then I'm going to read it. He talks about how difficult it is to be a parent to a "special needs" kid. But he isn't one of those cutesy lovey dovey people who sugarcoat the whole thing. He is head over heels in love with his daughter and finds her to be the most amazing, strong person. You have to read his writing to understand it, but it makes me feel like I can do this.

Weight Gain

He's 9 pounds and 9 and a half ounces! His nurse practitioner says he's developing ahead of his adjusted age in some ways and behind in others. Like he rolls over which he shouldn't be doing until he's about 3 or 4 months old. But he doesn't focus well or follow things with his eyes like he should for a 3 month old. So he's somewhere in between his adjusted age and his actual age in terms of development.

I want to go walk around the mall today. I need to get rid of some of this extra weight. I think once I register for my courses I'll have a gym membership to the school gym. I'm thinking I'll be able to go work out there at least once a week or something. But then again if I'm being realistic here, I'll likely go once or twice and then end up too busy to go again. Ah well. That's life I suppose.

I'm participating in a Pay it Forward thing from Amy's blog so if anyone wants some random thing from me that's handmade (by me) leave a comment and let me know. I'll randomly choose two people. And the condition is you have to pay it forward on your blog too. So leave a comment telling me what you'd prefer. I can crochet scarves and hats, and I'm great at sewing random stuff. Let me know if you have a specific request. I can't promise I'll make exactly what you want, but I'll make an effort.

3 Month (w/ pics!)

He's in 3 month clothes. Seriously people, this baby is only a month old adjusted, if I had given birth to him in January he would have needed a mortar bomb to blast out of there. The Nurse Practitioner says he's going to be tall and thin. He's measuring almost 2 feet already! And his head is proportionate to his body, which is odd. I'm hoping that's just normal for him and not that he has some sort of brain abnormality.

He's developing rapidly too, he rolled over twice yesterday and twice this morning. Last night he almost slept through the night (well he woke up every 4 hours to feed and easily went back to sleep which is about the same thing to me) I think I actually got a total of 8 hours. Amazing! Oh and he will hold onto toys that I put into his hand and he actually puts them into his mouth to chew on. Should he be doing that already? Oh and he does this weird chewing thing after he eats. I'll finish breastfeeding him and he's gumming away like I've given him something to chew on. C actually asked me what I was feeding him one time. Isn't that something they are supposed to do when they are old enough to eat baby food?? If he thinks I'm gonna crack open a jar of applesauce he had better just hold onto his knickers. He can wait until April for that.

Last night C and I did our cooking for the week. Literally. We made stew, hamburgers, chili, and shepherd's pie. I still have to make the vat of pasta and then I think we're done for a while. The idea was if we make everything at once and freeze it in individual portions then we won't have to do any real cooking for a while. Which will help with the whole avoiding dairy thing, because half the time I get hungry and there's nothing made and I'll just grab whatever I find, and that's harder now that I can't have a cup of yogurt or a grilled cheese sandwich. We actually had a great time cooking together, spending time together in the kitchen was fun. We put the baby in his close & secure sleeper thing and put him in the kitchen with us, and talked to him while we cooked.

In other news, it looks like February is a very expensive month. My course is going to cost $324, and the other day we got in the car to go to the bank or the store or somewhere and realized something wasn't quite right. We went over a tiny bump in the road and my head almost hit the roof of the car. Now I have to hold my boobs in place everytime we drive because they're full of milk and it hurts when they bounce. I made Chuck take the car to his cousin's auto shop this morning, and he confirmed what I suspected: the shocks are busted in the front. So that's getting fixed on Friday and is going to cost $400. Luckily his cousin is going to do the work for us and we can pay him half up front and half later or something like that.

Skyler has managed to spit up twice in the span of a few hours and has gone from his 0-3 month outfit that fit perfectly, to his 3 month outfit that fit really well, to a 0 month outfit that is way too small on him. But H (the 1 yr old that C watches) is sleeping in our bedroom where Skyler's dresser is so I can't go rifle through his drawer of sleepers to find him something that fits.

I'm excited for Friday, it's going to be a very busy day. 9 am we're taking the car to get fixed, that won't be done until about noon or 1pm. Then 1:45pm is Skyler's check up with the Nurse Practitioner. (I can't wait to find out how much he weighs now!) Then after that we're having friends over for dinner. I love not working Fridays. (Watch, now that I've said that they'll ask me to work.)

Oh yesterday we went to the mall to talk to my cousin who works there. And we finally brought the stroller with us. We were walking along minding our own business when this little girl who must have been about 8 came racing up to us and grabbed onto the handle of the stroller and tried to pull down the stroller canopy so she could see the baby. Now we were walking, and she stopped the stroller when she grabbed it, and almost knocked it over, she wouldn't let go either. C was pushing it and was pretty pissed off. He was like "Excuse me?!" And then another girl ran up and tried to look at Skyler. Must have been the first one's sister. Anyway we walked back a few paces to find the parents who were sitting on a bench not even looking in the direction of their kids. And asked them if they would mind actually watching their children because they almost tipped over our stroller. Seriously what is wrong with people today?? When I was a child I was taught it's very disrespectful to invade anyone's space. In fact I wouldn't even step on the corner of someone's lawn even if they were my next door neighbour and I had lost a frisbee or a ball in their yard. Ridiculous I can't even imagine grabbing someone's stroller, even if I knew them.

And now, as a reward for reading my long boring post some funny pictures of my little guy:

Back To School

Yes, I'm doing it. I start in April. I'm taking distance ed, and I'm going to get my ECE II. Which is Early Childhood Educator Diploma. Meaning I'll be able to teach nursery school or run a licensed daycare center or preschool. I can't wait, I love working with young children. And I'll be able to take my courses at home, so I won't have to sacrifice my work or time with my son.

Tonight C turned off all the fuses in the apartment and we just disconnected from everything. It was lovely. We lit candles, and relaxed. It's crazy to realize just how plugged in we are to everything, it felt strange taking a few hours without using my laptop or watching tv. Very nice.

Intolerant

This past week was interesting. C broke so many glasses we had to go buy a new set of them. In fact we got two new sets, one for me and one for him. We're giving the remaining of our old set away to friends who don't have many glasses. I redid my bathroom, it is no longer a mismatch of random towels and accessories, it has a theme now. Black and blue, everything matching, except the shower curtain which is clear.

Skyler has had diarrhea for the last week or so. I was starting to freak out, apparently RSV can cause it. On Thursday at work, he puked all over me and himself, and then immediately after had an explosive diaper, that I noticed when I went to take off his pukey clothes. Nothing was safe. His shirt, his pants, his onesie, his blanket, his bum, his back, his legs, his arms, his ear, it was literally everywhere. I texted C, told him that baby was sick, told him about the puke and the poo and how I was freaking out. He said "I'm sorry he's sick what do you want me to do from here?" Gee thanks dear, how about bring some clean clothes and blankets for your son. So I threw all his clothes, and my sweater in the laundry at work with some of N's clothes and texted C back, asking him to bring us some clean stuff.

He didn't respond. I spent the entire morning, holding a fussy, sicky baby who was wearing only a onesie (I normally pack him an extra sleeper in his diaper bag, but had used it the day before and forgotten to replace it) and the one clean blanket I could find. I was freezing in my little t shirt, because it's Manitoba which means it's cold. And the house where I work is old and has a crappy heating system so it's rather drafty. N had been up since 6am (oh and did I mention that this all happened at 7am? Nice start to my day, let me tell you) and was tired and cranky but didn't want to sleep. I eventually just put her into her bed and left her up there. It took her almost 45 minutes to fall asleep after talking to herself about her dolls and her cooking, and her puppies and her baby Syah.

Meanwhile I spent the morning staring at my baby, feeding him a little bit every hour in the hopes that he would be able to keep it down and not puke on the only clean article of clothing he had left. I must have called C about 100 times to ask him to come and get me and Sky at lunch time, but he had his cell phone forwarded to the house phone, and was not answering. I left about 12 messages, texted him 20 times. See we had been up all night with the baby the night before, had about a solid 2-3 hours sleep. But now C was at home asleep, and I was at work panicking and freaking out by myself.

Eventually he answered the phone at 11:30, half an hour before my lunch. Of course he was sorry. But really he knew before he passed out that Skyler was sick and I was freaking out. And yet he fell asleep anyway. And I get the exhaustion thing, really I do, hello I am breastfeeding him all night long, I am just as exhausted, and yet I managed to stay awake all morning with our pukey poopy baby making sure he was taken care of. Ugh men, sometimes I tell you..

We made up of course, I didn't stay mad at him long, because I know he is trying. And he is a wonderful daddy 90% of the time. Everyone needs to be allowed to make mistakes. I just hope he remembers this next time..

As for baby, I called the Nurse Practitioner on Friday because while he hadn't puked again he still had the diarrhea. I described everything to her, he doesn't have a fever, not lethargic, eating very well on a normal schedule, lots of pee, normal colour, etc etc. She asked about changes in my diet, yes oopsie I've been having yogurt and cheese and ice cream and milk, all things I shouldn't even be having in the first place since I am lactose intolerant. Looks like I'm the culprit. Well don't I just feel like the best mommy ever. So now I am cutting pretty much everything out of my diet. It takes up to a month for the proteins to be out of my system and his! So it could be a long time before it clears up. And no more dairy for me until he is done breastfeeding.

Other than that all has been well. C redeemed himself by making me the cheesiest Valentines day gift ever. We recently got a professional quality photo printer, and he got some iron on t shirt transfers and made me a pink t-shirt with a collage of pictures of Skyler that says Proud Mommy on the back.

Today we are off to my nana's so that my dad's side of the family can finally meet the baby. My nana is one crazy old opinionated lady, but she's a hell of a cook. And I haven't had any good Scottish food in a while. Got my fingers crossed that she's making us mince n tatties.

Interview

I started this post a few days ago, but didn't finish it, and then Sky got sick. So I'm sorry for not posting sooner. Thank you Mrs. Spit for the thoughtful questions.

1. What was the single hardest thing about Skyler being born premature?



Feeling like we didn't have the chance to bond. Worrying that he was confused because he was surrounded by so many nurses, how would he know who his mommy was? He still seems to be more attached to his dad than me sometimes, and he doesn't always like to look at my face even though most babies are supposed to like looking at their mom's face. It was hard knowing that I couldn't be with him 24/7 even though I wanted to be, and that I was basically a visitor. I had to stand outside the unit and call in on a phone, and if they were busy they would make me wait outside in the hallway before I could see my own child. Also the lack of communication made me very upset. They wouldn't even tell us what drugs they were putting him on, or let us read his chart which legally they have to.



2. What, if anything, will you tell Skyler about Sophie?



That mommy was pregnant before she had him, and that the pregnancy ended too early and the baby wasn't born. That I loved that baby, and she was his sister. And she is always watching over him, and I'm sure she loves him too.



3. You work with young children for a living. What do you find most enjoyable about that?



I love every minute with them. I guess the very best part is seeing the world through their eyes. Everything is so new and magical and wonderful. Every new word they say, every sentence, every new development is just so amazing. I remember N's first steps, it was so exciting. Her first words! Mama, Papa, and Britt-Britt. The first time she clapped, the first time she danced to a song on the radio. I love how today when I came in the door she said "I'm so happy to see you Britt-Britt!" and when she is sad or hurt she wants me to hold her. How she wraps her arms around my neck and gives me a huge slobbery kiss on the cheek or the mouth. How at the end of the day today she said "I miss you awready Britt-Britt!" as I was leaving. When Skyler cries she alerts me immediately even if I'm in the room. "Uh oh Britt-Britt baby Syah's crying! Maybe he's hungry. Don't cry baby Syah!" Today she walked up to him and said "What's up baby Syah?" Everything she does is beyond adorable.



4. Describe your perfect day.



Every day when I wake up to find my son is here with me.



5. If you could change one single thing about your life, right now, what would it be?



It's actually pretty much picture perfect right now.. I can't say I'd wish Sophie had lived because I wouldn't have Skyler... So as much as I want her, it isn't fair to him because I love him and wouldn't trade him for the world. I want more, but I am going to wait until he is older and done breastfeeding before we try again.

there were 3 in the bed and the little one said roll over

He did it! Just a few minutes ago. I put him on his tummy time mat for a little tummy time which is something he is very good at, lifting that big head of his. For the longest time now he has been rolling onto his side. He can do it from his tummy or his back. But today he went from his tummy all the way to his back! I'm not sure what age he's supposed to do that at, but he's about 3 months, or 1 month adjusted. Do 1 month old babies roll over on their own?? I remember K (another baby C and I used to babysit) didn't roll over until 5 months. But she was a preemie too, by 1 month, so she was 4 months adjusted.. Damn all these numbers making my head spin. I know all babies develop at a different rate. Just strikes me as odd at how easily my baby seems to roll over. He does it like it's nothing. Now I'm worried I won't be able to put him down anywhere without him rolling away..

I've been bad lately. C got me Final Fantasy Tactics A2 for the ds yesterday and I literally spent the entire day playing it (even while I was breastfeeding). I didn't even shower. I'm going to consider it a late birthday gift since I didn't get one. Or maybe an early valentines day present. Either way I love this game. Very addictive. We also got Mario 64 or something like that, but I haven't tried it yet.

And now for a couple family pics we took last night. (After I managed to pry myself away from my game)

Best Day Ever

Want to hear about the kind of day I had? You may have a hard time topping this one in terms of embarrassing things.

Yesterday (I guess it is now since it's past midnight) seemed to stretch on forever. I usually don't work Fridays, but they needed me so I did. Originally the mama was supposed to be done at 2 and home at 2:30, but then found out she had a meeting and should be home at 3:30 or 4pm by the very latest. But I'll get back to that in a minute. Let's start with the morning.

C drives me to work everyday, we each take care of little ones. So at 5am everyday C picks up his 1 year old H, then I had to work at 8:30am so we packed up H and Skyler and took me off to work. C recently made a cd for the car with kids songs on it. I hadn't heard all the songs yet. Anyway there is one by Raffi or someone about 5 little ducklings who wander over a hill and far away and the mama duck says quack quack quack but only four come back, and then only three come back and so on until none come back. And can you imagine that on my way to work while listening to this song for the first time, I burst into tears! Not just a little trickle down your cheek tear, but full on crying. Because people! The mama lost her ducklings!! Of course in the next verse they all come back, but seriously even if they were only gone for a day she had to have been worried out of her head.

Now I swear I don't normally burst into tears over Raffi songs. The wonderful reason for this little insane reaction is that I have an aunt visiting. YET AGAIN. Let me explain something here, and feel free to skip ahead because this is your TMI warning. When I had Skyler I bled the customary 3 weeks or whatever it is. For me it was 3 weeks. So it ended early December. My period showed up on January 5th. Okay no problem here, that seems reasonable. It ended around the 10th or 11th. Longer than usual but I expected it to be different. Except that it came back on the 18th.. Um maybe someone forgot to tell you AF, but you are supposed to stay away for longer than 7 days, thanks. That lasted another 6 days or so, and here we are again, I started bleeding on Thursday which was the 5th of Feb. And it's not light either, it is very very heavy and bright red, and I seem to have lots of clots.. if I didn't know any better I would think miscarriage. But I haven't been cramping.

Which leads to my next lovely embarrassing little moment of my life. Of course I had run out of pads. Of course. And now I'm at work, and my boss only uses tampons. She has pantyliners, but only a few left. So I steal one of those and try to continue on with my day. But of course it's soaked right through within about an hour or less, and is getting very uncomfortable. I try again, and it soaks through again. So I eventually decide that I can't take this anymore, and then I did something I'm sure I should never admit to doing, but I went into my son's diaper bag. You guessed it, I used a size 1 pampers diaper as a pad. Feel free to tell this story at parties where you accidentally embarrass yourself and need something horrifying to draw the attention away from yourself.

So back to me waiting for the day to end so I can run to the store and get some real pads. I had hoped to go to the Super Store near by because the one by my place had baby clothes on sale. They go all out once a season and mark things down to 94 cents to $5.97. These are nice clothes too. Anyway C shows up to get me at 3:30, because my boss says that's when she should be home. C has little H in the car with him. Well you guessed it, the meeting ran late. She didn't get home until after 4:30. This day seemed to never end. I had fed Sky at 3pm and put him in his carseat at 3:30 thinking she would be home any minute.. And that any minute stretched into an entire hour. So we get to the store, quickly find the pads and I picked out about ten items of baby clothes (which I got for $20. Not bad at all) and try to get our crying baby out of there as quickly as possible because by now he is hungry again and not to happy about being in his carseat for so long.

Wait, the embarrassment doesn't end just yet. He's so hungry and so frantic that I leave C my debit card, and take Sky out to the car. Can you guess? I breastfed him in the parking lot at superstore. I didn't bother to cover myself or anything, nope I swear I have no dignity left. I'm already wearing pampers. The woman in the car next to us on my side of course, gets into her car and probably caught an eyeful of tit but hey who cares, every nurse in the St B hospital has seen it, why not random people at a grocery store parking lot. I didn't even care really, my son was happy with his boob. Isn't that all that matters?

So shall we recap? Cried over a Raffi song, used my son's diaper as a pad, showed my boobs in broad daylight in a busy parking lot, yep sounds like a great day to me. How about you? Can you top this one?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVewNO3vsB0

Half My Life

So 11 years ago today I buried my grama. It's sad to think she's been dead half my life now. Sad that she never met my son, I know she would love him. I'm sure she's floating around somewhere watching over him with Sophie..

I miss you Dorothy Fern

I love you

I'd go visit you but it's so cold, you know I'll be there in the summer again, with the baby..

Comment Moderation

Thanks to everyone who commented, and thanks Litterof1 for finding all that stuff for me. I appreciate it.

I haven't been commenting on everyone's blogs as much as usual lately. I'm still reading everyday, but I don't know I just don't feel right. Everyone else has such deep meaningful things to say, and when someone makes a sad post I just don't know how to be comforting. I feel like it's all been said before and I kind of feel like it isn't fair to everyone, here I am all happy in my little bubble with my little baby.. I mean I got what I wanted, while everyone else is still mourning or losing and trying over and over, or being terrified of how things will turn out. I just hate to feel that I am sort of rubbing my happiness in people's faces when things aren't working out the way they should for them.

Even with no sleep, and a million feedings a night, and thrush and his pituitary problems and his development things from being a preemie, I still have nothing to complain about, there are so many people who have it far worse than me. And C asked me the other day if I would still want another baby. I said in a heartbeat, I'd do it all again right now if I didn't want to continue nursing Sky. He said he thought that maybe after the NICU experience I wouldn't want to try again. But I would, I told him that at least now I have some idea of what to expect, even if the next one were to end up there. And I know that anything could go wrong again, and I'd be completely paranoid all over again because there is still miscarriage and stillbirth to worry about, but I'd still do it again anyway. Even if I lost the baby, I would be devastated, but if there's a chance I will end up with another one like this one I already have then I will take it. Of course that won't be until Sky is one or two, but I really do want another, and I am willing to face all the risks that come along with it.

Anyway let me know if it's okay to comment on your blogs, or if you'd prefer I didn't. Don't worry I won't be offended, I'd rather know than continue doing it if it's something upsetting.

Baby Massage

I love baby massage. It is awesome. When I first started it with him he was less than thrilled. In the NICU they believe that touching a baby is too much stimulation, so you're only supposed to change their diaper, take their temp and feed them quickly, then shove them back in a swaddle and put them back in their little plastic box to wait another 4 hours to be held again. So clearly Skyler was not quite used to the whole being held and touched thing. But now he loves baby massage. After every diaper change I massage his tummy and his legs. He hates having his diaper changed, but as soon as the massage starts he calms down completely. As I rub him I tell him the names of each part, thighs, knees, calves, ankles, heels, feet, toes. I definitely recommend baby massage for when your little one is fussing.

The day before yesterday we took one of the gift cards we got at the shower, and we bought him the rainforest play gym from Wal Mart, it's pretty cute and he seems to like it so far. We also got his high chair. At the baby shower one of C's aunts gave us a $150 gift card for sears to buy the high chair. So we looked at Sears and the cheapest one there was over $150, and they were all ugly. So we ended up using the gift card to buy Sky's bedding instead. We had looked all over the city while I was pregnant for crib bedding with stars and moons and had found nothing. Which I thought was strange because crib = sleepy time = night time = stars & moons so you would think it would be more popular, but instead I found like 12 different Winnie the Pooh patterns, which give me a break that stupid bear is so overdone for babies. So when I found out Sears had the perfect bedding set I was ecstatic. We still have to wash it so I'll just show you the picture from the sears website, but it's cute. Anyway back to the high chair.

We had decided to buy it from Babies R Us because they had a nice one for $54. I tend to research everything online before I buy it, and this one had a lot of good reviews. It was the Evenflo Expressions Plus. So why spend over $150 on one we don't like from Sears when we could get a much cheaper one that has good reviews from another store. So we went to Wal Mart next, and took a look at the high chairs there, but they only had three and I didn't like any of them, so just as we were about to leave C spots a bunch of boxes in the middle of an aisle (I would have passed them by, and I think I did several times, because it just looked like stock that hadn't been put away) and noticed one of them was a high chair with a $30 clearance tag on it. Turns out it was the Expressions Plus High Chair we had been looking at, marked down from $50 to $30. So we bought it. So far I am very pleased.

Our apartment is getting to the point where we need to start throwing out some of our useless junk to make more room for baby's stuff. C is a hoarder, and it drives me insane, literally. He has tons of useless crap that he cannot get rid of. If I even ask him (heaven forbid) to throw something away or give it to charity he comes up with some lame excuse, even using "sentimentality" as a reason for keeping things that we have no use for. And these are things that I know have no sentimental value whatsoever, he is just saying that so I will let him keep it. For instance he has a body pillow that is completely past it's prime. We haven't used it in ages, I tried to use it while I was pregnant, but it is so flattened out and old that it has become completely uncomfortable and basically a waste of space. We have tons of other pillows, including another far more fluffy body pillow that I hand sewed. But ask him to get rid of the pillow and we end up having a fight, and he stuffs it under the couch to hide it from me so I can't get rid of it! I kid you not ladies.

There are also boxes upon boxes of useless knick knacks that he "needs" to keep because if we ever get a house he wants to put them on display. And I'm sorry but this shit is creepy. Like terrifying clowns and other things that I would think of as tacky and pointless (sorry dear, I guess I am just not that into creepy wall hangings and that terrifying clown doll.) He has this clown thing that sits up, and he knows I hate it, so one morning he stuck it right next to the bed on my dresser so that it was staring at me when I woke up. I swear he is trying to kill me. I almost had a heart attack when I opened my eyes to that thing looking at me. In fact I feel sorry for our son, because he will no doubt have nightmares about these things that his daddy refuses to get rid of.

Not to mention all the crap his parents keep bringing over. They brought us a stupid dining table set with a leaf, and four chairs (Which wobble). We already had a nice glass table with two chairs. There are only two grown ups living here, we don't entertain much and if we do we prefer to sit in the living room. So now we have two tables and no space for either of them. Not to mention the extra couch they brought which I don't like because the cushions tend to slide right off the damn thing as soon as you sit on it. Space wasting crap. Ugh. Oh and the dresser in the bedroom that we used for the last few months which has now completely collapsed in on itself and is holding all of my underwear and other miscellaneous stuff hostage. I'm serious it's collapsed to the point where I can't open the damn thing to get anything out. We have to get rid of it so bad. This is funny because his parents brought it to us, and these are the people who said MY furniture is dangerous to have around the baby. And yet mine is all still in one piece. I'm sure that collapsed dresser that is falling apart completely is perfectly safe for when my baby starts walking and exploring.

Wow I have no idea how that got turned into a huge rant, but yeah.. time for a time out. So to soothe you (or me, whichever) I've added the crib bedding (but we don't have the mobile because I couldn't find it anywhere, which sucks cause it looks cute.) and a pic of mommy and baby.

and yes I made that hat, and mommy and daddy have matching ones. I have yet to take a pic of the three of us wearing them. It will be perfect to embarrass him when he's a teenager.. muahaha

It's Official

The baby now owns more stuff than me and C, and has taken over the apartment with it.

The baby shower was pretty good. We ended up with a ton of stuff. I think Skyler is going to be the envy of all the other babies in his baby group what with the new swing, the bouncing rocker chair, new crib bedding, nursing pillow, rainforest play gym, giant box of diapers, organic baby food, playtex nurses and the mountain of new clothes. Why don't grown ups get showers? I could use some new toys and books. Haha.

Right now he is in his swing, hiccuping away. He sounds like a dog's squeak toy when he hiccups. He's been feeding like a monster the last couple of days. He's attached to my boob pretty much every hour and it's making things slightly difficult to say the least. Ever try to prepare dinner for a two year old while walking around the kitchen holding a newborn to your breast with one hand? It isn't as easy as it sounds.

I've had maybe a grand total of 3-4 hours of sleep tonight/last night/whatever day this is I have no clue. And when I say grand total I mean I am waking up every hour to feed him. Which wouldn't be so bad but he is doing that thing again where he is hungry but screams at my breast like I'm offering him brussel sprouts or something. And of course he will eventually suck a little bit and then fall asleep with the nipple in his mouth, I try everything to wake him and nothing works, oh and do not try to remove that nipple if you want to keep it attached to you. For someone who isn't using it to feed he sure keeps a good grip on it. When I eventually do manage to extracate him from it and put him down to sleep he wakes up and begins rooting and crying all over again. Rinse and repeat. Funny thing is that he tends to like to do this in the middle of the night when I am most exhausted and feeling less than patient with his antics.

On another note he is becoming more alert and aware of the world around him. He's started noticing that hey there is stuff to look at around here. He's been spending a lot of time just staring at me, which is wonderful. I bet he thinks I am some sort of weirdo though with the huge smile and wide eyes repeating "Hi!! I'm your mooooooooommmy yesss I aaaaaaaam" in a high pitch voice over and over. Oh well at least there will be no confusion over who this embarrassing woman is. Heh heh. Poor kid. Anyway he is getting a little disenchanted with his swing, and his daddy was supposed to be up a while ago.. Time to go. Hope you all are well.

Wicca 101

I've been meaning to write this post for quite a long time. Most of the people whose blogs I read are Christian or atheist. Many people when I first meet them (upon finding out my religion) think I must be a devil worshipper or a crazy person who thinks she can turn people into frogs. I'd like to allay these myths today. So I've come up with a FAQ. I must tell you that I am explaining my belief system, and that I know most people don't understand it, and that is okay, I'm hoping this will help clear things up. I don't have anything against any other religion, I just know that this is the one that feels right for me. So please don't try to convert me. I'm happy for you for having something you can believe in and feel secure in, but this is what works for me. So here without further delay:


1. What is Wicca?

Wicca is an earth based religion. Wiccans are people who believe in nature, and sometimes a God/Goddess or Divine Spirit. The god/goddess and divine spirit are ways of saying that we believe in masculine and feminine aspects in everything that occurs in nature. The Divine Spirit is both masculine and feminine, because life could not be created without both. (Personally I must say that it confuses me how people can worship a single God as a male entity when life shows us that we need both male and female to carry on our species, to reproduce. That there is masculine and feminine energies in just about everything, the two should be equal in my opinion. Which is obviously part of the reason why I am Wiccan). There is one "rule" that Wiccans hold themselves to. It's within a script called the Wiccan Rede, and it's quite long, so to prevent myself from boring you to death I will give you the last and most important part.

With these eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill
An it harm none, do what ye will

2. Do you believe in Magick?

Yes in a way. But probably not the way you think. It's not about levitating pencils or casting love spells or turning people into frogs. Anyone who claims they can do this is likely disillusioned from watching too much Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and has no clue what it means to actually be Wiccan. Believing in magick means seeing extraordinary in the ordinary. It's about realizing that every flower that blooms, every tree that grows, every body of water that flows, every mundane thing that happens in every day life is a form of magick. Do you remember being a child? When everything was so new and wonderful, and anything seemed possible. It's about remembering that feeling. Being truly grateful for the amazing things in life that we take for granted every day. When you stop to think about it, doesn't it seem magical that the earth and the sun nourish seeds and help plants to grow. I think that concieving a child is a very magical thing. I found myself in complete awe and wonder that my body could do this wonderful thing. Most of all I felt amazingly empowered as a woman. The reason we spell magick with a k is to tell it apart from other uses of the word such as magic tricks, which are not the same.

4. Do You Cast Spells?

Yes I do, but it's about the equivalent of someone of another religion saying a prayer. Sure I may light my incense and some candles to do it, but you can't tell me that other religions don't light candles. The difference between my spells and another person's prayers is that I look within myself to find the things I need to achieve what I want. In other words I do not ask that god do something for me. I look to myself to find the strength I need or the courage or creativity or whatever it is, to achieve my goals on my own. I think a large part of my belief is that we hold our own responsibility for our actions, and that nature controls many things that we cannot, and it does not help to blame an unseen being for things that are simply out of our control. For instance I would not say that "God took Sophie, because it was her time, heaven needed it's angel back" or something like that. I have no doubt that those are comforting things to some people. But for me it would just infuriate me. It's easier for me to believe that some things happen in nature, and there is nothing I can do about it, it's nothing I caused but there is no one to take responsibility for it either.

And I do believe in the power of prayer, from any religion, because to me it is all positive energy and there is nothing wrong with lots of positive energy.

5. Do You Sacrifice Animals or Worship the Devil?

No and no. Wiccans love nature and this includes animals. In fact many Wiccans are vegetarians because they don't like the thought of harming animals. However some of us (including myself) believe in the cycle of life, and that in nature animals eat other animals in order to survive. Having said that I don't think it's right to hunt for sport ever. Why kill an animal if you do not need to? Also most Wiccans have what we call familiars, which is an animal that is very loved and well taken care of. Familiars are like our connection to the spirit world. Animals have heightened senses and can alert us to things we wouldn't notice on our own. A familiar can be a dog, a cat, a bird, anything you feel a strong connection to. Though I don't know of many Wiccans who have a pet lion or zebra or anything like that.

And as for worshipping the devil, we do not believe that such a thing exists. Satan (or the devil) is a christian concept. I don't believe that the evil in the world is caused by an unseen evil thing, just as I don't believe the good is caused by an unseen good thing. People choose their own actions for the most part (barring insanity, which is a thing that occurs randomly in nature, not a blight inflicted by the devil imo). They do and they are. Saying that the devil made someone do it, is to take away the person's responsibilities for their actions.

And as for the pentacle, it is a symbol of protection, and has been used throughout the ages as such. The one that cults and satanists use is turned upside down. Just as the cross is turned upside down to be used as an evil symbol. I personally wear three pentacles, because three in Wicca is a very important number.

6. How Do You Make Sure Wiccans Do Good?

Well we don't. We are only in control of ourselves. There is no threat of eternal damnation if you don't follow the rules exactly. We do believe in karma though, and that if you commit bad deeds they will come back to you times three. I suppose that would be a deterrent. But other than that, it is up to each individual person to "police" themselves. We have to make our own judgements on what is right and what is wrong. And there is lots of debate about the "harm none do what ye will" rule. Some would consider certain actions as harm that others would not. It is up to each person's discretion. As a Wiccan one must take the responsibility and the consequences of their actions. The Law of 3 goes like this:

Mind the threefold law ye should,
three times bad and three times good


Anyway I must stress that this is just my opinion, just my belief system. I can cast no judgements upon others for their beliefs. I only know that mine hold true to who I am, and I ask only that others try to respect that, and try to respect that each person is an individual and what works for one may not work for another.

6 Things About Me

Thanks for tagging me Never Clever.

The rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Okay here we go

1. I have two metal plates in my arm, that are held together with interlocking screws through my humerous bone. I used to be right handed but while recovering from the surgery I had to learn to use my left hand for most things. I hardly even notice it anymore but I always pick up N with my left hand and carry everything heavy in my left hand. Technically my right arm is reinforced now and the bone is stronger than the one in my left, but because I don't use my right arm the muscle is now weaker. Also this arm with the metal in it has a name. His name is Clancy. Which leads me to the next one..

2. I tend to name inanimate objects, such as my arm and my laptop (Her name is Alexxis in case you were wondering). Though technically I guess the arm moves..

3. I took 3 years of university and was pre law. I majored in English and minored in theatre.

4. My favourite band has always been and always will be Queen.

5. I have worn the same necklace since I was 14 and I never take it off not even to shower. It is in every picture of me where my neck/collarbone area is visible.

6. I've never not had a computer. My dad has been in IT for as long as I can remember. I've had a pc since I was 5 years old. At one point my dad had 7 computers set up in his bedroom, I kid you not.

I have to run off to C's family's baby shower for Sky so I don't have time to tag anyone. So if you want to be tagged, consider yourself tagged.